How does one sit in the presence of their spouse and pretend that everything is good, so that you don't let them know just how concerned you are? Or, how afraid you are, but won't say it. You heard the same thing that the doctor said. You just hope that the anxiety of being in this medical facility will block the part of the brain that allows comprehension to take place.
Deep down inside your gut, there is a wrenching taking place that could take your very breathe away in an instant. The last thing you want to think about is another surgery, more complications, how soon to schedule surgery, or what this is going to do your home.
As most people know, my face tells the true story about how I feel. However, in the presence of my spouse, doctors, and other "professionals," I somehow manage to keep face. I show no emotion. I go deadpan in my countenance. I am as stoic as Lincoln sitting upon his chair in Washington's monument. Nothing can cause my face to change to so it's true self because I have learned over the past few years, to keep face when my wife is the main focus.
I ask a lot of questions to hold the muscles from reacting in my face. I get up and walk when I feel the twitches about to take control. I sing, and quite badly at times so that the off key voice will mask the cry of my heart. No matter what, I remain strong for her!
Recently, we received bad news about the cancer she is fighting. It sent her into a tailspin of emotions. As she spiraled out of control, falling from a 20,000 foot high of excited from earlier in the day, I watched as she began to descend. 18,000 feet - "what should we do?" 15,000 feet - "will we have surgery this year, or wait until January?" 11,000 feet - "the tears begin to flow" 8,000 feet - "I don't want to have surgery anymore, can it wait?" 5,000 feet - "Tony, I don't want to do this again, am I going to be alright?" Prepare for crash landing!!!! "Tony, why are you singing?" Place your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!!!! Full blown panic, oxygen masks drop, lights flashing and the air slide has deployed.
It's all I can do to reassure her that everything is going to be fine. I might have a hard time pushing through this landing but someone has to land this plane on the proverbial Hudson River. If it takes Captain Tony to keep face and make it right, I will. My feelings, emotions and fears can wait, I have to bring down this plane and make sure the first responders aren't needed at touchdown. So, as calmly as I know how, I held her hand, spoke softly to let her know that I was going to be by her side on the this journey.
Keeping face is no easy task. Especially when you wear your feelings on your sleeve. God allows me the fortitude and resilience to pull it together just when I need it most.
Tonight I find myself sitting in the dining room writing to release what I couldn't on my face at those critical moments. Keeping face is just as important in front of our children. They need dad to be courageous, strong and brave for them and their mom. They need to know that Captain Tony is going to do his absolute best to land all of the plane that they are. Keeping face graces me to be able to take the hard times I face with them. Keeping face let's our extended family know that I am doing the best that I have, with what I have.
A patient that I met said some very wise words today. "This battle is not mine to fight, it's God's. This is just my journey" How profound? All of these years as a Christian, and she made it so simple. You hear all of the time, but she made me realize that I was allowing it to be more complicated than it needed to be.
Keeping face. Not good all of the time, but when you have to use it - it's great/
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Why?
I find myself asking that question alot lately. Why?
Why does it seem the harder you try, the worse things appear? Why do relatives act like they don't have the good sense the Lord gave them? Why do I have to keep explaining myself over and over and over again? Why can't children just do what you ask of them the first time you ask them to do something? Why can't people find the good in what looks like a bad situation? Why do we allow ourselves to be brought down to other people's levels? Why is that stress and tension are so strong? Why do people watch "reality" tv and try to bring it into their homes - that's not reality? Why do relationships fall apart when one person is doing their best? Why do bad people seem to prosper while those of us working people, fall further and further behind? Why did you ask me a question if you didn't want an honest answer? Why do you speak to me in that condescending tone of voice? Why do I feel so lonely when I am surrounded by people all day everyday? Why doesn't that man want to go home after work? Why are you blowing up my phone - don't you trust me? Why do you put me down, call me out of my name and scold me in front of our kids, and wonder why they don't respect me? Why did my father leave for another family - wasn't I good enough? Why does God allow this mess to happen to His children?
Yes. These are questions that I hear every single day. Sometimes I sit back and wonder about some these questions myself. There are days when I feel like the guys who ask these very questions. I am human. So tell the truth and shame the devil.
As a father, husband and man -you can find yourself at a crossroads looking at directional signs that point every which way, except the right way. So, what does one do in this situation? He stands still, gathers his thoughts, takes a deep breathe (or 30), and he waits for an answer.
An answer from where? Well that depends on your relationship with the Lord and others. For whatever reason too many men, think that it's taboo to talk about the things that bring us down. We don't want the "fellas" to think we are weak, vulnerable, soft, or a whipping board for our significant other.
Let's be real here for a minute brothers. There are some things that a woman is NOT going to understand about us and what we are dealing with. There are some things that only another man in our same/similar position, is going to understand. Thus the reason why you can count your real friends on one hand.
You need a buddy that is going to tell you when you are wrong. Someone that you can REALLY confide in when things get tough.You need that ride or die that isn't going to run home and tell the wife what you discussed, because you know she will be on the phone spreading it faster than a wildfire. As men, we need to get to a place that we can confide in each other.
Yes, I can count on one hand the men that I really trust. These are brothers that will go through the fire with me to make sure that I come out on the other side, and not smell like smoke because they had my back. My brothers have a pure interest in how my heart if doing/feeling/beating/ and hurting. They can look at my face, hear my voice, know from a handshake or brotherly hug - how I am doing down on the inside.
For those that know me, you know I wear my feelings on my face. You know how I feel about any given subject just by looking at my face. My countenance reflects how I feel at that immediate moment without regard for those in my present company.
So again, the question remains - WHY? The answer is simple. We have freedom to make choices. Not everyone is going to treat you the way they want and deserve to be treated. They don't realize, that we ALL fall short. Somewhere the realization that for the grace of God, there go I, has fallen by the wayside.
Listen fellas. Life is too short and getting shorter by the second, to be treating each other like second class citizens. One thing is for sure, the more things change, the more they stay the same. If you don't like the laws of this country -please leave and stop causing problems for me and my beliefs. If you don't like the president - deal with it until his term is over - congress stops everything he does anyway. If you don't like my distaste for your flag, get over it. Try flying a nazi flag and you will go to jail for hate crimes.
They point here is, that as Americans, we can do and say what we like - regardless of the majority. Voting is quickly becoming a joke. There are these people in Washington that sit on some very high benches lording their prowess over us by overturning what we voted into place. The sad part is, we have to accept it. This is not the former USSR, this is America. So guys, let's take our rightful place and get our homes, jobs, community and country back where it belongs. Never have I faced blatant racism until I became an adult. I would take back the days of Honeyhill Elementary School on Eddy Lane in Norwalk, CT in a heartbeat. The kids I went to school with didn't exclude me, but included me in all things possible.
So again - WHY? Because we are demonstratively becoming more and more desensitized to the hurts, outcries and sorrows of others. Ask yourself why do I do the things that I do? Why?
Why does it seem the harder you try, the worse things appear? Why do relatives act like they don't have the good sense the Lord gave them? Why do I have to keep explaining myself over and over and over again? Why can't children just do what you ask of them the first time you ask them to do something? Why can't people find the good in what looks like a bad situation? Why do we allow ourselves to be brought down to other people's levels? Why is that stress and tension are so strong? Why do people watch "reality" tv and try to bring it into their homes - that's not reality? Why do relationships fall apart when one person is doing their best? Why do bad people seem to prosper while those of us working people, fall further and further behind? Why did you ask me a question if you didn't want an honest answer? Why do you speak to me in that condescending tone of voice? Why do I feel so lonely when I am surrounded by people all day everyday? Why doesn't that man want to go home after work? Why are you blowing up my phone - don't you trust me? Why do you put me down, call me out of my name and scold me in front of our kids, and wonder why they don't respect me? Why did my father leave for another family - wasn't I good enough? Why does God allow this mess to happen to His children?
Yes. These are questions that I hear every single day. Sometimes I sit back and wonder about some these questions myself. There are days when I feel like the guys who ask these very questions. I am human. So tell the truth and shame the devil.
As a father, husband and man -you can find yourself at a crossroads looking at directional signs that point every which way, except the right way. So, what does one do in this situation? He stands still, gathers his thoughts, takes a deep breathe (or 30), and he waits for an answer.
An answer from where? Well that depends on your relationship with the Lord and others. For whatever reason too many men, think that it's taboo to talk about the things that bring us down. We don't want the "fellas" to think we are weak, vulnerable, soft, or a whipping board for our significant other.
Let's be real here for a minute brothers. There are some things that a woman is NOT going to understand about us and what we are dealing with. There are some things that only another man in our same/similar position, is going to understand. Thus the reason why you can count your real friends on one hand.
You need a buddy that is going to tell you when you are wrong. Someone that you can REALLY confide in when things get tough.You need that ride or die that isn't going to run home and tell the wife what you discussed, because you know she will be on the phone spreading it faster than a wildfire. As men, we need to get to a place that we can confide in each other.
Yes, I can count on one hand the men that I really trust. These are brothers that will go through the fire with me to make sure that I come out on the other side, and not smell like smoke because they had my back. My brothers have a pure interest in how my heart if doing/feeling/beating/ and hurting. They can look at my face, hear my voice, know from a handshake or brotherly hug - how I am doing down on the inside.
For those that know me, you know I wear my feelings on my face. You know how I feel about any given subject just by looking at my face. My countenance reflects how I feel at that immediate moment without regard for those in my present company.
So again, the question remains - WHY? The answer is simple. We have freedom to make choices. Not everyone is going to treat you the way they want and deserve to be treated. They don't realize, that we ALL fall short. Somewhere the realization that for the grace of God, there go I, has fallen by the wayside.
Listen fellas. Life is too short and getting shorter by the second, to be treating each other like second class citizens. One thing is for sure, the more things change, the more they stay the same. If you don't like the laws of this country -please leave and stop causing problems for me and my beliefs. If you don't like the president - deal with it until his term is over - congress stops everything he does anyway. If you don't like my distaste for your flag, get over it. Try flying a nazi flag and you will go to jail for hate crimes.
They point here is, that as Americans, we can do and say what we like - regardless of the majority. Voting is quickly becoming a joke. There are these people in Washington that sit on some very high benches lording their prowess over us by overturning what we voted into place. The sad part is, we have to accept it. This is not the former USSR, this is America. So guys, let's take our rightful place and get our homes, jobs, community and country back where it belongs. Never have I faced blatant racism until I became an adult. I would take back the days of Honeyhill Elementary School on Eddy Lane in Norwalk, CT in a heartbeat. The kids I went to school with didn't exclude me, but included me in all things possible.
So again - WHY? Because we are demonstratively becoming more and more desensitized to the hurts, outcries and sorrows of others. Ask yourself why do I do the things that I do? Why?
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