Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Live Through It
James Fortune has a song entitled "Live Through It"
This song speaks to my heart. It brings me to a place of deep thought. It reminds me that I shouldn't put my mouth on things that I don't have all of the facts about. How can I condemn someone who might be struggling with an issue or situation in their lives, that I have to idea of what the struggle feels like.
Even thought I may not be able to know directly, I know what it is to go through some things. However, I also know what means to honestly - LIVE THROUGH IT!!!!
These past months have taught me how to live life to the fullest. Not just because of what my wife is going through, but - my entire family. Each one of us is dealing with this battle in each of our own ways. We talk, yell, scream, cry, pray, worship, laugh, close ourselves in rooms, etc. But, we live through it.
There are days when I want to pick up a disrespectful, entitled, self-centered person who is also rude and appears to have a heart of stone and throw them through a wall. Just when my hands reach out - ready to touch - I remember that we(household, extended family members, friends) are all going through this together.and each of us will show our emotions in different ways.
All I ask is that the offensive comments not be mentioned in the presence of my wife. She doesn't need to hear things like "it's not my responsibility," "why I have to do that?" and the best one of all "I'll pray for you, but I don't have time to come over and help you, give it to God"
Not that I'm complaining, but I just live through it now. It's a matter of me taking care of her and asking for the help when I most desperately need it. My sister-in-law keeps the kids in check for me when I'm working so that Audrey has what she needs, when she needs it.
Next week, we go back for the third time to try the surgery again. It's the first of the year and we're about to rack up over $5K in deductible bills. That's something I can't worry about right now. Her health is first. So, what do I want you to pray for? Pray that the surgery happens and then goes well. Pray that the temporary pacemaker gets put in place so that the cancer in her right kidney is removed and that the ultrasound doesn't show anymore tumors. Pray for her mindset - because if this surgery doesn't happen - she's made up her mind that she's not going back. Pray that our children can understand her decision. Pray that the Lord will give her body comfort, peace and rest.
Some of the words to this song are:
Read more: James Fortune - Live Through It Lyrics | MetroLyrics
This song speaks to my heart. It brings me to a place of deep thought. It reminds me that I shouldn't put my mouth on things that I don't have all of the facts about. How can I condemn someone who might be struggling with an issue or situation in their lives, that I have to idea of what the struggle feels like.
Even thought I may not be able to know directly, I know what it is to go through some things. However, I also know what means to honestly - LIVE THROUGH IT!!!!
These past months have taught me how to live life to the fullest. Not just because of what my wife is going through, but - my entire family. Each one of us is dealing with this battle in each of our own ways. We talk, yell, scream, cry, pray, worship, laugh, close ourselves in rooms, etc. But, we live through it.
There are days when I want to pick up a disrespectful, entitled, self-centered person who is also rude and appears to have a heart of stone and throw them through a wall. Just when my hands reach out - ready to touch - I remember that we(household, extended family members, friends) are all going through this together.and each of us will show our emotions in different ways.
All I ask is that the offensive comments not be mentioned in the presence of my wife. She doesn't need to hear things like "it's not my responsibility," "why I have to do that?" and the best one of all "I'll pray for you, but I don't have time to come over and help you, give it to God"
Not that I'm complaining, but I just live through it now. It's a matter of me taking care of her and asking for the help when I most desperately need it. My sister-in-law keeps the kids in check for me when I'm working so that Audrey has what she needs, when she needs it.
Next week, we go back for the third time to try the surgery again. It's the first of the year and we're about to rack up over $5K in deductible bills. That's something I can't worry about right now. Her health is first. So, what do I want you to pray for? Pray that the surgery happens and then goes well. Pray that the temporary pacemaker gets put in place so that the cancer in her right kidney is removed and that the ultrasound doesn't show anymore tumors. Pray for her mindset - because if this surgery doesn't happen - she's made up her mind that she's not going back. Pray that our children can understand her decision. Pray that the Lord will give her body comfort, peace and rest.
Some of the words to this song are:
Life is filled with so many ups and downs
Have you ever been there?
One day you're smiling, the next day you're fighting
To hold back your tears to hide how you feel
So tired of faking like everything is ok
When you know it's not right
No sleep at night.
Have you ever been there?
One day you're smiling, the next day you're fighting
To hold back your tears to hide how you feel
So tired of faking like everything is ok
When you know it's not right
No sleep at night.
Bridge:
You may be asking 'cause you never imagined
How can this be God?
This cannot be God.
I can only tell you what he told me
You may be asking 'cause you never imagined
How can this be God?
This cannot be God.
I can only tell you what he told me
Chorus:
Live through it
Grow through it
Get through it
You can make it if you just
Pray through it
Don't let this be the end for you.
So live through it.
Live through it
Grow through it
Get through it
You can make it if you just
Pray through it
Don't let this be the end for you.
So live through it.
Read more: James Fortune - Live Through It Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Monday, November 25, 2013
Here We Go Again
Strike two. The surgery never got started. She was given the meds to go to sleep and her heart rate went down. Now we are back at square one. Her job is letting her go at the end of the month and her insurance rate just went up if we use her cobra plan.
I am going to my job and add her to mine. This really stinks. How many times does one person have to keep being cancelled? I am so upset that the last crew didn't see this problem. It was so easy for the new crew to find the problem. It appears that there is a lapse in the time it takes her left atrium to push blood through the left ventricle.
The next time we come back, she will have wires inserted to her heart so that the rate doesn't decrease. The longer this takes the more stressed she is becoming. Her heart rate was in the 160's which is way to high for anybody.
One thing I do know, it's this. We know that people were praying for us. It's only God that allowed this surgery not to proceed. I would be having a different conversation. Thank God for His grace and mercy.
I am going to my job and add her to mine. This really stinks. How many times does one person have to keep being cancelled? I am so upset that the last crew didn't see this problem. It was so easy for the new crew to find the problem. It appears that there is a lapse in the time it takes her left atrium to push blood through the left ventricle.
The next time we come back, she will have wires inserted to her heart so that the rate doesn't decrease. The longer this takes the more stressed she is becoming. Her heart rate was in the 160's which is way to high for anybody.
One thing I do know, it's this. We know that people were praying for us. It's only God that allowed this surgery not to proceed. I would be having a different conversation. Thank God for His grace and mercy.
Surgery Day
Here I sit in the surgery waiting room. You can feel the tension in the air as everyone in here is waiting for any kind of status update. The receptionist calls people up to the desk one by one informing each person that their family member has been taken into surgery and how it's proceeding.
Me, I continue to wait. Every time I hear the overhead system ramp up, a new knot forms in my stomach. I don't know what else to do besides blog. I've called my kids and told them that I love them and that their mom loves them.
For some people here, it's life as usual. Some people are talking about an affair within the family. Some are conversing about how things went bad fast with their loved one's health. Others are just trying to get a little bit of sleep. Through all of it, there is still that underlying sense of fear. The little old lady sitting across from me sits and shakes her foot as her pastor reads to her. She is worried that her husband of 55 years won't make it through this one. Her pastor continues to read words of comfort from the scriptures.
I go back to visit my bride before they roll her into surgery. The smile on her face is priceless. We hug each other and cry a little, say how much we love each other a little more, and do it all over again. I can't help it that my heart is heavy, very heavy for her. They miss three times trying to put in an IV and she is not happy. her hands shake uncontrollably, her speech very slurred, and her eyes well up with tears again.
The OR nurse tells me that they've allotted 4 hours and 45 minutes for the surgery. I thought it was only going to be 2 hours. That news makes both of us nervous. She is strong, much stronger than I could I be in the same situation. My pastor was right - woman are stronger than men. My wife has an inner strength that gives her a peace that passes all understanding. While she has fears, she also has a great sense of peace, that the Lord will take care of her while she's having this procedure.
How I long to trade places with her. Lord I lift her up to you. Thee are some things that I can't do. She has a void, that I can't fill, and she has some tears, I can't wipe away. Please hear me when I pray, as I lift her up to you.
So I will sit her and people watch, pray for them as I pray for my wife. I'll watch the news and prepare myself to see her after surgery. Listen to others and see what they are talking about. It's funny how our faith is tried at times. I want to think about Thanksgiving dinner and what to make for her, but the mind wanders again. Now that we've decorated the house for her, it's time to get other things going. I need to prepare a room downstairs for her so that she doesn't have to go up 14 stairs.
Time to focus. Time to get into a new way of passing time. I need to call someone. This receptionist is call names that start with the letter M and I am wondering why my name hasn't been called yet. Good thoughts Tony - good thoughts.
Me, I continue to wait. Every time I hear the overhead system ramp up, a new knot forms in my stomach. I don't know what else to do besides blog. I've called my kids and told them that I love them and that their mom loves them.
For some people here, it's life as usual. Some people are talking about an affair within the family. Some are conversing about how things went bad fast with their loved one's health. Others are just trying to get a little bit of sleep. Through all of it, there is still that underlying sense of fear. The little old lady sitting across from me sits and shakes her foot as her pastor reads to her. She is worried that her husband of 55 years won't make it through this one. Her pastor continues to read words of comfort from the scriptures.
I go back to visit my bride before they roll her into surgery. The smile on her face is priceless. We hug each other and cry a little, say how much we love each other a little more, and do it all over again. I can't help it that my heart is heavy, very heavy for her. They miss three times trying to put in an IV and she is not happy. her hands shake uncontrollably, her speech very slurred, and her eyes well up with tears again.
The OR nurse tells me that they've allotted 4 hours and 45 minutes for the surgery. I thought it was only going to be 2 hours. That news makes both of us nervous. She is strong, much stronger than I could I be in the same situation. My pastor was right - woman are stronger than men. My wife has an inner strength that gives her a peace that passes all understanding. While she has fears, she also has a great sense of peace, that the Lord will take care of her while she's having this procedure.
How I long to trade places with her. Lord I lift her up to you. Thee are some things that I can't do. She has a void, that I can't fill, and she has some tears, I can't wipe away. Please hear me when I pray, as I lift her up to you.
So I will sit her and people watch, pray for them as I pray for my wife. I'll watch the news and prepare myself to see her after surgery. Listen to others and see what they are talking about. It's funny how our faith is tried at times. I want to think about Thanksgiving dinner and what to make for her, but the mind wanders again. Now that we've decorated the house for her, it's time to get other things going. I need to prepare a room downstairs for her so that she doesn't have to go up 14 stairs.
Time to focus. Time to get into a new way of passing time. I need to call someone. This receptionist is call names that start with the letter M and I am wondering why my name hasn't been called yet. Good thoughts Tony - good thoughts.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
True Intimacy
Well, tomorrow is the big day. We head to the operating room from our house at 0430AM.
So how are we feeling about all of this. The truth of the matter is this, WE'RE both concerned, but trusting that God will have His way. So, why should we worry or be afraid. No matter the outcome - we still love Him.
Like Moses at the Red Sea, I can you feel you all holding our arms up so that we will not lose hope. Our arms are up in surrender to Him. We want Him to take over the operation tomorrow. Please join us in prayer for the every single person that will touch her body, her chart, and those who speak over her.
I want to tell you what a man is supposed to do for his wife. A man who stood before God, a minister, and a cloud of witnesses and made vows on the day you married her. You see, when things look bad and look they are about to fall apart - he stays around and doesn't run out. Dogs run away, a real man has broad shoulders and can bear the weight of the day. When she is weak, he remains steadfast for her and holds her in the middle of the night and lets her tears run down his chest. He doesn't push her away because she woke him up in the middle of the night 2-3 times. He asks her "hey baby, are you all right, what can I do for you?"
When she needs to get to the bathroom, he doesn't turn tail and pretend he didn't help her. If she was good enough to have your children, be man enough to help get clean herself. Look her in the eye when she cries because she didn't want to be in her current position. Assure her and reassure her that she is loved, safe and protected in your arms and they you will be gentle in washing her body. LOVE IS NOT SELFISH, IT HAS NO PRIDE!!!!
When she is too weak to feed herself, man up and pick up the utensil and feed her. Give her your full attention. Football can wait, the boys can wait, the phone can wait, the computer can wait. It's like the song says, "when a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nothing else" She becomes my main focus.
Our pastor put it well today. God first, family second, church third. Like him, I don't care who doesn't like that. I have attended churches where they wanted it to be first. My first love is now, and will be the Lord with my family right beside Him. A man that doesn't take care home first, is worst than a murderer. He is not concerned about other areas of intimacy- that's being selfish. She just wants you to love on her during the times of pain. A simple holding of hands, resting her head on your chest or in your lap is more than enough. She wants to know that you've got her back and will go the extra mile for her.
Yesterday, we were in walmart. She had to ride one of those scooters because walking takes to much strength. We're strolling through the store and there are two men conversing. They look at us coming up the aisle, see her in the scooter, and the one with the cart proceeds to walk away from his cart, leaving it in the way. Short fuse Tony in his short stature - grabs the cart and shoves it aside. I don't care how big they were or if they didn't like it. My woman needed to get by and in your ignorance you left that cart in the way. When it comes to her, I am David running toward Goliath. You see, I will take a hit for her - she's mine!!!!
Constantly, she is telling me that I am a good father and husband. She appreciates that I take the time when I come home from working 12 hours at either hospital, drop my things, and take care of her. Right now, her brain injury has her talking like a 2-3 year old. She has involuntary shaking of her hands, and she tends to drift off into another place. 23 years ago, I promised her that I would always be around and that she could depend on me to do whatever it took to keep our family intact - short of illegal activity. I will go to the food pantry when it gets tight, I will go and apply for assistance if we need it. I will call on people that love us to lend a helping hand. I don't have time to allow my pride to get in the way of doing what's necessary to take care of the family God was gracious enough to give to me.
Intimacy is not just sexual. It means so much more. Take some time to discover who she really is. You will love her more and more. I've done the Love Dare Challenge. Let me tell you, I am not the man I thought I was until that time 2 years ago. I was doing everything I was supposed to do for her and by her. I realized I was going through the motions without adding in the unconditional love, support, respect, and time that she needed.
Now that we are facing surgery again in the morning, I realize that Jesus was preparing me for a time such as this. That in this new season of our lives, I need Him even more. My heart belongs to the Lord.
So how are we feeling about all of this. The truth of the matter is this, WE'RE both concerned, but trusting that God will have His way. So, why should we worry or be afraid. No matter the outcome - we still love Him.
Like Moses at the Red Sea, I can you feel you all holding our arms up so that we will not lose hope. Our arms are up in surrender to Him. We want Him to take over the operation tomorrow. Please join us in prayer for the every single person that will touch her body, her chart, and those who speak over her.
I want to tell you what a man is supposed to do for his wife. A man who stood before God, a minister, and a cloud of witnesses and made vows on the day you married her. You see, when things look bad and look they are about to fall apart - he stays around and doesn't run out. Dogs run away, a real man has broad shoulders and can bear the weight of the day. When she is weak, he remains steadfast for her and holds her in the middle of the night and lets her tears run down his chest. He doesn't push her away because she woke him up in the middle of the night 2-3 times. He asks her "hey baby, are you all right, what can I do for you?"
When she needs to get to the bathroom, he doesn't turn tail and pretend he didn't help her. If she was good enough to have your children, be man enough to help get clean herself. Look her in the eye when she cries because she didn't want to be in her current position. Assure her and reassure her that she is loved, safe and protected in your arms and they you will be gentle in washing her body. LOVE IS NOT SELFISH, IT HAS NO PRIDE!!!!
When she is too weak to feed herself, man up and pick up the utensil and feed her. Give her your full attention. Football can wait, the boys can wait, the phone can wait, the computer can wait. It's like the song says, "when a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nothing else" She becomes my main focus.
Our pastor put it well today. God first, family second, church third. Like him, I don't care who doesn't like that. I have attended churches where they wanted it to be first. My first love is now, and will be the Lord with my family right beside Him. A man that doesn't take care home first, is worst than a murderer. He is not concerned about other areas of intimacy- that's being selfish. She just wants you to love on her during the times of pain. A simple holding of hands, resting her head on your chest or in your lap is more than enough. She wants to know that you've got her back and will go the extra mile for her.
Yesterday, we were in walmart. She had to ride one of those scooters because walking takes to much strength. We're strolling through the store and there are two men conversing. They look at us coming up the aisle, see her in the scooter, and the one with the cart proceeds to walk away from his cart, leaving it in the way. Short fuse Tony in his short stature - grabs the cart and shoves it aside. I don't care how big they were or if they didn't like it. My woman needed to get by and in your ignorance you left that cart in the way. When it comes to her, I am David running toward Goliath. You see, I will take a hit for her - she's mine!!!!
Constantly, she is telling me that I am a good father and husband. She appreciates that I take the time when I come home from working 12 hours at either hospital, drop my things, and take care of her. Right now, her brain injury has her talking like a 2-3 year old. She has involuntary shaking of her hands, and she tends to drift off into another place. 23 years ago, I promised her that I would always be around and that she could depend on me to do whatever it took to keep our family intact - short of illegal activity. I will go to the food pantry when it gets tight, I will go and apply for assistance if we need it. I will call on people that love us to lend a helping hand. I don't have time to allow my pride to get in the way of doing what's necessary to take care of the family God was gracious enough to give to me.
Intimacy is not just sexual. It means so much more. Take some time to discover who she really is. You will love her more and more. I've done the Love Dare Challenge. Let me tell you, I am not the man I thought I was until that time 2 years ago. I was doing everything I was supposed to do for her and by her. I realized I was going through the motions without adding in the unconditional love, support, respect, and time that she needed.
Now that we are facing surgery again in the morning, I realize that Jesus was preparing me for a time such as this. That in this new season of our lives, I need Him even more. My heart belongs to the Lord.
My Bride
The Wife of Noble Character
10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Pink Socks
With October coming to a close and cancer awareness programs coming to an end, there is a boy who continues the awareness of the importance.
Just this past Thursday, I watched my son as he walked up the street to the bus stop four houses away. I couldn't help but notice that he was still wearing this pink cancer awareness socks. Now, I know that you are thinking how could I see his socks. Remember that I live in North Carolina, and the boys down here wear shorts all year long - Michael included.
After the bus drove down the street, turned around in the cul-de-sac, and left our village of Carlisle; I sat down with my coffee and thought about that moment. Trying to watch Good Morning America, all I could think about was that pair of pink socks and why he's still wearing them.
Obviously, he knows that October is over. Football season is over and he doesn't need them for anymore games. It consumed me for the rest of the day. All day long, I would think about how often he was wearing these socks. It came to me that he wears the solid pink with white ribbon and the solid white with pink ribbon every single week.
The second he walked in the door, I had to ask. His answer was this. " I wear them because I don't want people to forget about other people who have cancer. It's because Mommy has cancer and I want to support her."
We have talked to him about her situation, and allowed him to ask any questions that he felt he needed understanding with. We were very open and honest about every aspect of cancer. However, we asked him what he knew about cancer. He explained that people get sick, their hair might fall out, they go to the hospital a lot, and that they die.
He is very well aware that his mother is sick and just how incapacitated she really is.and that she may never be the same again. He prays for her all the time. He is concerned about her and that her voice has changed, and that she has to go to bed early to gain some strength. He's not afraid of her and her altered mental status - he's afraid that he just might not every see the woman he knows as mom again.
He comes into our bedroom at night, hugs us and kisses us. But, there is now a new feel to his hugs with her. They last longer, they look more compassionate, his eyes tell a story when he looks at her. You can see the love he has for her and the fear that he may not have her around.
Those pink socks are his way of dealing with things. They represent his fight in the war against cancer. Those pink socks give him comfort, hope and show the world that he is standing in the gap for his mom. They are also a way for him to talk about what he's dealing with when people ask him why he's still wearing them.
That day I asked about the socks, he and I had a little falling out about wearing shorts to school in November. Regardless of how warm it is, the weather here in NC can be fickle. He begged me not to take away his shorts and if I did, people could not see his pink socks.
I know this might sound crazy to some people, but here it goes anyway. My boy will be in shorts with snow on ground. If this is his coping mechanism, and it gets him through the day because he can't express his feelings in words, but in pink socks. WEAR YOUR SHORTS AND PINK SOCKS SON!!!!!
He is talking to his friends about a real life issue that he needs to deal with. Yes, we have open and brutally honest conversations, but he just might need someone else to talk to. So, if you see him wearing pink socks and it crosses your mind, pray for him, ask him about it, talk to him about it, pray with him about it. He is an 11 year old boy who is VERY concerned for his mom.
Now, I have to find myself some pink socks also.
Just this past Thursday, I watched my son as he walked up the street to the bus stop four houses away. I couldn't help but notice that he was still wearing this pink cancer awareness socks. Now, I know that you are thinking how could I see his socks. Remember that I live in North Carolina, and the boys down here wear shorts all year long - Michael included.
After the bus drove down the street, turned around in the cul-de-sac, and left our village of Carlisle; I sat down with my coffee and thought about that moment. Trying to watch Good Morning America, all I could think about was that pair of pink socks and why he's still wearing them.
Obviously, he knows that October is over. Football season is over and he doesn't need them for anymore games. It consumed me for the rest of the day. All day long, I would think about how often he was wearing these socks. It came to me that he wears the solid pink with white ribbon and the solid white with pink ribbon every single week.
The second he walked in the door, I had to ask. His answer was this. " I wear them because I don't want people to forget about other people who have cancer. It's because Mommy has cancer and I want to support her."
We have talked to him about her situation, and allowed him to ask any questions that he felt he needed understanding with. We were very open and honest about every aspect of cancer. However, we asked him what he knew about cancer. He explained that people get sick, their hair might fall out, they go to the hospital a lot, and that they die.
He is very well aware that his mother is sick and just how incapacitated she really is.and that she may never be the same again. He prays for her all the time. He is concerned about her and that her voice has changed, and that she has to go to bed early to gain some strength. He's not afraid of her and her altered mental status - he's afraid that he just might not every see the woman he knows as mom again.
He comes into our bedroom at night, hugs us and kisses us. But, there is now a new feel to his hugs with her. They last longer, they look more compassionate, his eyes tell a story when he looks at her. You can see the love he has for her and the fear that he may not have her around.
Those pink socks are his way of dealing with things. They represent his fight in the war against cancer. Those pink socks give him comfort, hope and show the world that he is standing in the gap for his mom. They are also a way for him to talk about what he's dealing with when people ask him why he's still wearing them.
That day I asked about the socks, he and I had a little falling out about wearing shorts to school in November. Regardless of how warm it is, the weather here in NC can be fickle. He begged me not to take away his shorts and if I did, people could not see his pink socks.
I know this might sound crazy to some people, but here it goes anyway. My boy will be in shorts with snow on ground. If this is his coping mechanism, and it gets him through the day because he can't express his feelings in words, but in pink socks. WEAR YOUR SHORTS AND PINK SOCKS SON!!!!!
He is talking to his friends about a real life issue that he needs to deal with. Yes, we have open and brutally honest conversations, but he just might need someone else to talk to. So, if you see him wearing pink socks and it crosses your mind, pray for him, ask him about it, talk to him about it, pray with him about it. He is an 11 year old boy who is VERY concerned for his mom.
Now, I have to find myself some pink socks also.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Just Because He's God
As everyone knows, I worship at Central Church of God at the satellite location in Lake Park. We have the service on streamed into our location. The choir is one of the best by far. They sing a song - Just Because He's God.
That song reminds me that the He will take care of me and my family. It reminds me that He will provide more than enough strength for the day. Their music is anointed, uplifting, encouraging, hopeful and it transcends the heart.
Yesterday, my wife wanted to go out and look at Christmas decorations at Old Time Pottery. Just something to do and to get out of the house for a few minutes.
Well our adventure started out very well. She turned around to look for ornament hooks. When she didn't find them, she broke down in tears because she forgot what they looked like. When she couldn't see me, she cried even harder.
So, why the song and how does it correlate to this journey. In her, I could see the innocence and beauty that comes with being a Christian who is totally dependent upon the Lord. I saw that my role as priest, prophet, provider, prince and protector was vital to her in these moments.
My relationship with the Lord has to be on point as much as I can humanly strive to get it there. Much like us and Jesus, I can never let go of her hand. I have to keep my arms wrapped around her so that she knows that she is safe in my arms. I have to make sure the next 23 years are better than the latter, and rekindle the love and romance, even when she doesn't understand. When she's asleep, I can hold her so that the pain isn't so bad.
Just because He's God, He's given me an extra measure of compassion, gratitude, appreciation, and faith. He's my real life superhero and He ALWAYS swoops in and saves the day. Just because He's God, He knows what I need when I need it most. Just because He's God, He sends His angels to my front door to bless my family (Adam). Just because He's God - He is still taking my tears and storing them up for our healing. He promised He wouldn't see His righteous forsaken, nor His seed begging bread.
I love Him for giving her to me. We (together) have made up our minds that as long as His will is done, that's good enough for us. Not yet have we asked, why us. He is a just God.
During the most difficult of conversations talking about end of life wishes, He steps in and takes control. He doesn't just allow me to hear what she is saying, but to listen with intent ears to each and every word. Knowing her wishes, and she knowing mine is not comfortable to discuss, but it needed to be done. I now have to be Consevator and Health Care Power of Attorney for her and make all decisions. Just because He's God, I can clearly, and with a glad heart, follow what she wants in the event things drastically change.
Just because He's God, I can sit on the phone for more than an hour talking to my Wonder Twin and take the form of Vulnerable Man and my twin takes on the form of Great Listener/Encourager. My sister Salt can threaten to beat me to a pulp (in love) for not speaking up about gas for the car. That's why Adam can roll up to my house regardless of how long we've seen or talked to each other. It's why my sister in Bama (Roll Tide) can remind who my superhero is and speak life. The brothers at my church home can give me hug in the Lord and we can have a bromance and still be men.
Thank you for your love and support, your prayers and calls.
AND BECAUSE, JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOD!!!!!
That song reminds me that the He will take care of me and my family. It reminds me that He will provide more than enough strength for the day. Their music is anointed, uplifting, encouraging, hopeful and it transcends the heart.
Yesterday, my wife wanted to go out and look at Christmas decorations at Old Time Pottery. Just something to do and to get out of the house for a few minutes.
Well our adventure started out very well. She turned around to look for ornament hooks. When she didn't find them, she broke down in tears because she forgot what they looked like. When she couldn't see me, she cried even harder.
I turned her around and held her for a few minutes so she get herself together. I told her it didn't matter if we didn't have ornament hooks and we would just lay them on the branches. As we walked through the store - she pointed and laughed everytime she saw ornament hooks. It was like have a 3 year on a treasure hunt. She was determined t find every hook in the store at that point.
If you saw Forrest Gump when he got tired of running and went home, that was her today. "I'm tired now, I want to go home and go to sleep"
I found her a seat in the store and before I knew it, she was fast asleep resting her head on one of the displays in the store. I woke her up and we headed home. She cried most of the way home. Once inside the house, she cried again because she needed the bathroom and couldn't think fast enough to remember where it was.
So, why the song and how does it correlate to this journey. In her, I could see the innocence and beauty that comes with being a Christian who is totally dependent upon the Lord. I saw that my role as priest, prophet, provider, prince and protector was vital to her in these moments.
My relationship with the Lord has to be on point as much as I can humanly strive to get it there. Much like us and Jesus, I can never let go of her hand. I have to keep my arms wrapped around her so that she knows that she is safe in my arms. I have to make sure the next 23 years are better than the latter, and rekindle the love and romance, even when she doesn't understand. When she's asleep, I can hold her so that the pain isn't so bad.
Just because He's God, He's given me an extra measure of compassion, gratitude, appreciation, and faith. He's my real life superhero and He ALWAYS swoops in and saves the day. Just because He's God, He knows what I need when I need it most. Just because He's God, He sends His angels to my front door to bless my family (Adam). Just because He's God - He is still taking my tears and storing them up for our healing. He promised He wouldn't see His righteous forsaken, nor His seed begging bread.
I love Him for giving her to me. We (together) have made up our minds that as long as His will is done, that's good enough for us. Not yet have we asked, why us. He is a just God.
During the most difficult of conversations talking about end of life wishes, He steps in and takes control. He doesn't just allow me to hear what she is saying, but to listen with intent ears to each and every word. Knowing her wishes, and she knowing mine is not comfortable to discuss, but it needed to be done. I now have to be Consevator and Health Care Power of Attorney for her and make all decisions. Just because He's God, I can clearly, and with a glad heart, follow what she wants in the event things drastically change.
Just because He's God, I can sit on the phone for more than an hour talking to my Wonder Twin and take the form of Vulnerable Man and my twin takes on the form of Great Listener/Encourager. My sister Salt can threaten to beat me to a pulp (in love) for not speaking up about gas for the car. That's why Adam can roll up to my house regardless of how long we've seen or talked to each other. It's why my sister in Bama (Roll Tide) can remind who my superhero is and speak life. The brothers at my church home can give me hug in the Lord and we can have a bromance and still be men.
Thank you for your love and support, your prayers and calls.
AND BECAUSE, JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOD!!!!!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Getting Through
My wife and I have been dealing with renal cell carcinoma for the past few months. Our.children are doing their absolute best to keep life moving as normal. We've not interrupted their schedules, kept them from school activities, or changed our pattern at home.
Our girls are stepping to the plate when asked, and our son asks a lot of questions which we answer with honesty. As for me, I am just trying to hold it all together.
Recently my pastor (the anointed Loran Livingston) preached about being strong in the Lord. We were reminded in that sermon that we try to do things in our own strength, and we tell others to do the same. Never do we encourage them to be strong in the Lord. Why is that? Is telling someone to be strong, just the right thing to say? Is it because we don't know what else to say? It's not enough to tell someone to be strong if you aren't going to tell them to be strong in the Lord. I've been on the "just be strong" side before. Not until my pastor said to be strong in the Lord did I get the revelation.
I cried like a baby from the minute he said it, until well after the service was over. He and the Lord, took me to a place of brokenness that I've not visited in years. It was refreshing, cleansing, and it felt good to release some of the weight that I was carrying for no reason. I was literally down to my last few cents and less than an 1/8th of a tank of gas with no idea of how I was getting to work the next day. So, I figured if I am going to use up the gas - I may as well go to church, and leave the rest to God. The day prior, we had to go and pay a bill that was way overdue in the amount of $142 and some change or risk losing my car
During the service and me being the weeping prophet, Kim Green sat next to me. This woman does everything the Lord tells her to do, much like my big sis Phyllis. At the end of the service, she hugged me and told that God told her to give me everything she had in her purse. It was the exact amount of money that we had to pay the day prior, to the penny.
My wonder twin - Missy Howard (love her like she were my natural sister) ALWAYS has the perfect song for me to listen to when she knows I'm going through something. No distance, miles or time can destroy the love we have for her and her for us. She is in tune with what is going on with us, and is there if we need her.
Well, my wife and I went and had another test done last week. The results were that she has an anoxic brain injury. What is that? Part of her brain tissue is dead. What is the impact? Her speech may never return to normal, her thought pattern may never be the same and putting words together will remain a challenge. But GOD!!!!!
She cries a lot and thinks she is a burden to me. I assure and reassure her that I love her and that she is stuck with me for the rest of our lives. A real man hangs in there and does what he promised before the Lord and witnesses on the their wedding day. He doesn't punk our and run out. He has unconditional love for her. When she is weak, he remains strong and has his moments at a later time. If she needs to be bathed or fed, he rolls up his sleeves and does what needs to be done by her. Why? She is my wife, my best friend, the love of my life, the mother of my children, my helpmate, and my good and perfect gift.
Our girls are stepping to the plate when asked, and our son asks a lot of questions which we answer with honesty. As for me, I am just trying to hold it all together.
Recently my pastor (the anointed Loran Livingston) preached about being strong in the Lord. We were reminded in that sermon that we try to do things in our own strength, and we tell others to do the same. Never do we encourage them to be strong in the Lord. Why is that? Is telling someone to be strong, just the right thing to say? Is it because we don't know what else to say? It's not enough to tell someone to be strong if you aren't going to tell them to be strong in the Lord. I've been on the "just be strong" side before. Not until my pastor said to be strong in the Lord did I get the revelation.
I cried like a baby from the minute he said it, until well after the service was over. He and the Lord, took me to a place of brokenness that I've not visited in years. It was refreshing, cleansing, and it felt good to release some of the weight that I was carrying for no reason. I was literally down to my last few cents and less than an 1/8th of a tank of gas with no idea of how I was getting to work the next day. So, I figured if I am going to use up the gas - I may as well go to church, and leave the rest to God. The day prior, we had to go and pay a bill that was way overdue in the amount of $142 and some change or risk losing my car
During the service and me being the weeping prophet, Kim Green sat next to me. This woman does everything the Lord tells her to do, much like my big sis Phyllis. At the end of the service, she hugged me and told that God told her to give me everything she had in her purse. It was the exact amount of money that we had to pay the day prior, to the penny.
My wonder twin - Missy Howard (love her like she were my natural sister) ALWAYS has the perfect song for me to listen to when she knows I'm going through something. No distance, miles or time can destroy the love we have for her and her for us. She is in tune with what is going on with us, and is there if we need her.
Well, my wife and I went and had another test done last week. The results were that she has an anoxic brain injury. What is that? Part of her brain tissue is dead. What is the impact? Her speech may never return to normal, her thought pattern may never be the same and putting words together will remain a challenge. But GOD!!!!!
She cries a lot and thinks she is a burden to me. I assure and reassure her that I love her and that she is stuck with me for the rest of our lives. A real man hangs in there and does what he promised before the Lord and witnesses on the their wedding day. He doesn't punk our and run out. He has unconditional love for her. When she is weak, he remains strong and has his moments at a later time. If she needs to be bathed or fed, he rolls up his sleeves and does what needs to be done by her. Why? She is my wife, my best friend, the love of my life, the mother of my children, my helpmate, and my good and perfect gift.
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