Donnie McClurkin - I_ll_trust_you_Lord - Live

Trusting The Great I AM

Yesterday at church, I taught the youth a lesson on the Name of God - I AM.  The lesson went well for the most part.  I try to never take credit when I teach a lesson that God should get the glory for.  We spoke about how Moses went to Pharaoh and told him to let God's people go, and how the Lord manifest Himself  and His wrath each time Moses had to go back.  Most of all we focused on how Moses was unsure that the people of Israel or the Pharaoh himself would believe him.  He asked the Lord at the burning bush, who should I say sent me?  He ask the Lord the same question about addressing  the nation of Israel.  Both time the Lord said to tell them - I Am Who I Am, has sent me.  Was the answer.

The pastor spoke about the same thing, and choir sang two songs calling God the Great I AM.

So why the sermon before the blog - just to lay a foundation.

As you all know, I have been unemployed for the past 3 years.  I went through my own "man/provider" issues during that time.  Not once did my wife make me feel like less of man while she worked and I kept house, took care of school issues, cook, pay bills, scouts, church, etc. etc. etc.

Through it all, I gained a peace that surpassed my own understanding.  Every day possible, I would send out 5+ resumes applying for jobs all over Charlotte.  One day, I woke up and realized that I am the person that is too old to apply for a job that a recent college grad could apply for, and get half the salary I was getting.  I sat in interviews where I never heard from the company again, after making follow up calls and emails.  Being unemployed has made me trust God like I've never trusted Him before.  

I served at church with a glad heart.  There were times that I deserved to have more recognition that I was getting - WRONG!!!   God gets the glory in all situations and circumstances.  I know it's not about me or how I feel about anything.  I contemplated not working in the youth for a hot second - and then one of the youth told me how much I helped change their life.  Talk about timing!!!!

While teaching this lesson, I taught myself  that God continued to say that I(HE) AM God and beside Me there will be no other.  That He would/has supplied my families needs for 3 years.  That He has kept my find from going into depression.  That He has made me more of a man than I thought I could ever be.  That He is the restorer of relationships.  That He has kept a roof over our heads, provided food, clothing and kept us in good health.  I also learned that He is not a man that He should lie.  He taught me that I need to trust Him before I can trust myself or anyone else.  He let  me know that I am not just qualified to teach - but I am called to do it.  

With all of that, I took a medical aide/assistant class, maintained a 99.75; did 5 weeks of clinicals, took and past my NC State Exams, applied for and got interview (the same day) a job working in Pediatrics.  I know Him to be a Keeper of my soul.  Just when I was ready to throw in the towel - He refreshed my thirsting mind/soul and gave me strength to push forward.  Being the only male in a room of woman, while learning how to care for both men and women was an interesting place to be.  I just prayed - Lord, give me what I need to learn, practice and implement what I need to know.  

So now what do I do?  I continue writing that long list of characteristics of who He is in my life.  I continue to give Him my life.  I ask Him to continue to be my provider.  I give him my entire self - mind, body and soul, knowing that in and of myself, I can do nothing without Him.  Through Him, I encourage others, while He encourages me through His Word and His people.

Trusting Him requires me to make things right with others.  I wrote my father a letter asking him to forgive if I have offended him in any way.  It wasn't until that moment - that I felt the yoke removed from my neck.  I no longer wear it because He shattered it into a million pieces.

I trust you Lord.  What if it hurts?  I'll trust you Lord.  What if it doesn't work the first time I try?  I'll trust  you Lord!!!

Getting Back Into The Swing of Things

I know I have been gone for quite some time.  I have been working on ME.  It was time to take inventory and reevaluate who I am, the decisions that I've made and life choices.  Cutting to the chase - I enrolled in nursing school after 21 years of being an accountant.  I know someone is saying "is he crazy?"  No.  I understand that I have to take a pay cut.  What difference is it going to make at this point?  I am collecting unemployment which is a 1/3 of what I was making CT.  I know people on welfare who are getting more than I am.  So, it was time to kiss the accounting world a fond farewell.  Kids out of college are making half of what my former salary for the same work.  I don't blame the companies out there for doing that.  In this economy, you have to save every penny you can.  So why hire the person with more experience at a higher pay grade?

I started my clinical training a couple of weeks ago at a local nursing home.  It's been very interesting working with the elderly.  I didn't realize the heart that I have for them.  I don't plan to make working in rest homes my goal, but I do plan to learn as much as I can about elder care while I am there.  I am enrolling in the next level of classes as soon as I take my state test and move on to greater levels.  However, I do plan to make a difference in the rest home.  I can't believe that lack of concern, lack of care and lack of professionalism  that is provided for our elderly.  It seems like the workers forget that their grandparents, parents and relatives could be there and that they deserve the best possible care.

I have also gotten back into my first love - baking.  I made a princess cake and cupcakes for my god-daughter this past weekend, and my heart was filled with passion for my craft.  Passion that says, this is the gift that is going to make room for me and family.  Passion that reassures me that God has shown me a more excellent way to provide for my family.  It's the kind of passion that you wake up and think about your next recipe.  It drives me to apply for the Next Great Baker on the Food Network.  So, a few months ago, I submitted an application, and now I wait to see if I will be chosen to be on the show.

I am working on my facebook page for my baking business - Heavenly Scent.  I make icing that smells as good as it tastes.  It's not too sweet,and it not to thin.  The more I bake the more I want to create.  I know God is going to allow me to use this gift for His Glory and for my family's financial well being.

I am getting back into the swing of things.  Watch out Indian Trail - here comes the best baker you have ever had.  With Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

When Men Hurt

I haven't been here in a minute.  With school, family and school ending - I still have no excuse.

My thoughts for today are brief.  Why is it that a woman thinks her man is weak if he shares his feelings with his best friend.  She wants him to talk to her, share his feelings and share his heart, but not with another man.  Why?

Now, I don't mean this to sound like I am making excuses because of where I am in my life.  I love my wife and God knows I love her.  There are some things that she is not going to understand from the male point of view.  We are very open and honest about that fact.  I don't have a brother to share my heart with, nor do I have the father that I would love to have in my life to bounce things off of.  So, I share my heart with my best male friends who I know have my best interest are heart and are going to tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear.

I have several friends who are going through major  life issues.  Some of them are dealing with financial issues, marriage issues, spiritual issues and emotional issues.  These are men who stand firm in the faith, yet they are realist when it comes to life difficulties.

Guess what?  It is o.k. to say I am hurting.  It's in my brokenness, that I find my breakthrough. I can't understand why people think that the ring is a shackle that allows you to speak down to, berate, demoralize or disrespect your spouse (male or female).  Two people stood before God and a church full of witnesses, and proclaimed that they would be together for good and bad - so why make and dwell on the bad?

A relationship is not about control, but about team work.  I don't have all of the answers, but I think that after 21 years of marriage and working through hard times, I have something to offer to hurting men.  I have been where most of them are heading.

I can not understand why some women can not let a man who wants to lead the family - have to be in control.   IF he is doing his job around the house - let him.  IF he is protecting him - let him.  IF he is praying for you - let him.  IF he is providing for you - let him.  IF is financially responsible and a good stewart of money - let him.  IF his is walking in the authority of man who is led by God - PLEASE LET HIM.  On the other hand, IF he is showing you no respect, no love, no affection, no support, not helping with the kids, not, helping around the house - SPEAK UP!!!!  However, remember this - he married the woman that he loved, not his mother.  Don't put him down in public and think he or other people are good with that.  Those who witness it, are not thinking good of you, they are feeling sorry for him and wondering why he puts up with it.

As men, we don't like to be talked to as though we are children.  We want you to talk to us and not at us.  We want you to show us the same love and respect that you want.  We want you to ask us about our heart.  We want you pray with us and for us.  We want you to take our hand and look into our eyes and see our hearts for you.

We just don't want to hurt with words that you can't take back.  We don't want to believe that your actions and words are controlled by hormones out of control.  But don't come back and tell us that's what the problem was.  Only you control what comes out of your mouth.  We are men - strong, tough and loving, just remember that under that manly exterior there is a heart that has feelings.

I am so grateful to God that I have a woman who submits to God as she submits to me as the head of the family.  IF I wasn't doing what God wanted for my family - I could understand her doing/saying whatever she wants.  However, I love her and she loves me.  WE work things out together for our household.  I am a blessed man and I acknowledge it as often as I can.  I found my good and perfect gift and I thank God for her. She hears my hurts, asks where my heart is, and understands that I might need a man to listen to my thoughts. At the same time, I have to willing to share 100% of who I am with her because she is my LIFE PARTNER and my helpmate.  Where I am weak, she brings me up.  Where I low, she helps me rise.  When I need an ear, she listens.

When a man hurts, and turns off his heart - you might not ever get back in.

In His Strength

There are some days, some people, some decisions that make you feel like you just want to throw in the towel.  Some of those same things make you wonder if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have decided to look at them in a different light.  They are not obstacles - they are opportunities for me to learn a lesson and help someone else who might deal with the same issues later.

I have taken into consideration all of the events of my life and all of the times I could have just let go of the rope.  Not one of those times did God give up on me.  He reached down into my mess, snatched me out, cleaned me up, taught me a lesson, and allowed me to be put me right back out there in the midst of the wolves.  Not because He didn't care, but because I needed to grow in His strength.  He wanted me to learn to depend and trust in Him and not in "my" abilities.

I have done it wrong for so long, that it felt like I was doing it correctly.  I once made a statement about a former pastor of mine and I stand by those words.  He was abusive and used the Word of God as his choice of discipline.  He did twist God's Word to get what he wanted and he pimped God while he hurt hundreds of people.  I know that might sound like an indictment on the man, but I am just speaking what hundreds of others know to be the truth.  It's no wonder why so many people are turning from the church instead of running to the church.


Now, why is it in His strength?  It's simple.  If I do it.  If I ask you for your help in doing it.  "It" will never work out the way it was supposed to because I didn't seek God first.  Plain and simple, cut to the chase, over and out. 

Don't we ever get tired of things not working out because we failed to seek direction first?  I know I do.  There have been more than enough "issues" in my life for me not to seek God first. Last week I was talking with our Youth Pastor and he asked me about my testimony.  I told him it's a "but God" testimony.  I told him how it started over 40 years ago and had brought me to the place that I am at right now. 

He made the point of telling me that I have ever reason not to be a Christian - but God.  I started my life in the projects of Bridgeport, CT; mom died when I was 5, dad took off before that, moved to several relatives homes before settling in Norwalk, get raped at 13, run away from home twice,  move out of the house at 16, try to kill myself at 19, brother gets murdered at 27, sister dies of AIDS from her husband at 29, several aunts and uncles die during all of this time who have a great impact on my life.  BUT GOD had a better plan for me.  He told me that I should have been a statistic - BUT GOD!!!!!

I feel like preaching!!!!  Praise God for His infinite wisdom and unconditional love.  I have no right to be the man I am today - BUT GOD!!!!  I am so glad He looked beyond who I was, and saw who I could become.

You see, it started at a very young age for me.  I was playing around in my aunt's room one day and found a bible.  Something in me, made me stop playing and start reading it.  It fell open to 2 Timothy 2:22-26 - and spoke about youth.  It changed my life from that day going forward.  I was 9 years old, and for the next 4 years I was a model  child until I got raped.  I would get up on Sunday morning and go to church without anyone else in the house.  I would walk or ask the neighbor for a ride.  For years I would be the only person walking around the house on Sunday morning.


Even after the rape and the hurts - I still believed God had a better plan for me.  I was mad at Him for a little while for letting me go through all of this.  Then one Sunday, Rev. Williams got up and preached about the children of Israel trying to get away from Pharaoh and how Moses would go to Pharaoh seven times until the freedom finally happened.  They wandered for 40 years and then entered the promised land.  All of sudden, I found myself in the wilderness. When I ran away, I gave up on church, but not on God.  I wanted nothing to do with the church anymore.  Nobody there hurt me or did anything to me.  I just found the kids to be very unfriendly with the exception of a few classmates and my Sunday School teacher who was also my 7th grade science teacher.

In His strength, I would get up everyday and live my life.  The one friend that I trusted told other kids about the rape and I lived a very lonely life until I graduated high school.   I was called all kinds of names.  Other boys would accuse me of being gay and saying I was "looking" at them in a funny way.  But God - I still trusted Him for strength. 

 I am going to move into present day, that stuff makes me want to cry for all of the kids who are suffering today.  Listen parents - if the kid tells you they have been touched - listen to what they have to say.  Even if the perpetrator did not have intercourse with them - SOMETHING  sexual happened that shouldn't have.

Present day - I still live, move and have my being in His strength.  I can't function without Him.  I don't pray like I should,  I don't read like I should, I don't meditate like I should.  There are days when it seems like my tank is on empty - but in His strength I get a refill.  I don't wait for the my pastor to preach before I get with God - I take the time and do what I have to do.  I don't treat God like He is my servant, but I am His.  I don't expect Him to react to my every word, but I should be proactive because of His Word.  In His strength I can stand before people and tell them I know God is working things out for me in spite of a lack of a job for almost 3 years.  He promised He wouldn't see the righteous forsaken or His seed being bread.  In His strength - my family has not gone without food, shelter and clothing.  I praise God for my church family who not only check to see if we are doing well, they take steps to make sure we are well, and they provide the need when  it presents itself.

I am a blessed man today.  I am striving to be a great husband and father.  I want to be an example to my children so that they can be proud whenever my name is mentioned.  Not because I need the approval of man, but because I wanted to make God proud to be my Father.  In His strength, I can do these things.

What Is He Doing With Me?

As I sit at my desk today, I wonder "what is God doing to me and through me?"

No, this is not a pity party for myself, this is a question and answer session.  About a week ago, I had an interview with one of the areas largest employers. My first interview in over a two years.  I think it was going well until I couldn't recall how to do revenue recognition.  It's not that I didn't know what it was, I just couldn't recall the steps involved.  About half way through, a light came on and it was like I never left accounting.

I have not heard from them yet, but the bright side is, I have been offered an opportunity to cater a lunch for 60 people.  I am going to take them up on the offer once I hear back from the office that called me.  This is where my passion is - in the kitchen cooking and baking.  Culinary arts is my dominant gifting and I pray it continues to make room for me.

A few weeks ago, I won the Cub Scout bake-off again.  I made a coconut cake with pineapple filling.  What won the contest for me was that I didn't just stick the pineapple in the cake, I seasoned them like one would an apple pie.  I am always trying to think outside the box.  One of the other scout parents told me not to enter next year because I have won 2 out of 3 contests.  The only reason I did not win one of them is because I wasn't there to participate.

Just this week, my local bank asked me to make something for them, and my son's school is looking for another lemon cake.  I am not trained in cooking, I have not taken any classes, and I think about what I would enjoy eating and would like to share with others.  So, again I ask myself - what is He doing with me?  I have asked Him over and over again why the offers aren't coming and He keeps pointing me back to the food aspect of my life - it's going to make room for me. 

I have a great peace about doing this even in this economy.  I believe I can compete with the big guys.  I don't say that in arrogance, but in the boldness God has placed in me.  If He is with me, who can come against me? 

I visited with the greatest retired exec at SCORE in Charlotte and he gave me the best words of encouragement, advice and resources.  He took the time to listen to my heart about food, and all of my stories about how important was was/is at all family gatherings.  He let me talk about how good God is, and how He blesses me with a new day - everyday.  Talking with him has been a great time of fellowship and opportunity to glean information.

He asked me if I would bring back something on my next visit to see him - of course I will.  I look at it as a chance to get my ability out there and someone of his caliber to speak it up.  The best of advertisement is word of mouth. 

I believe "He (God) is preparing me for something that I can't handle right now. He's making me ready for the just because He cares.  He's providing me with what I need to carry out what matters in my life.  God is preparing me" - Daryl Coley and the Wilmington Chester Mass Choir.

With that, I know I can't pursue wishes, but go after the hope that is within me.  I have to write the vision and make it plain.  I have to run with it and not faint.  I have to take it and write it on the tablets of my heart.  I can't sit around and wait to hear back from TLC/Food Network.  I know He has placed this burning desire within me to cook and to share great tasting food with the world.  The greatest thing is, it's not about the money - my gift will make room for me and give me the increase when the time is right.  It's all about doing what He wants me to do.  This is a ministry - feeding people is one of the greatest ways to get His Word out to the masses.


I keep hearing, "use what's in your hands"  For a long time, I didn't know what that meant because there wasn't anything physical in my hands.  After all of these years of being a Christian, I didn't see that it was a spiritual "thing" in my hands - my area of gifting.  So, I will do whatever it takes to make a few bucks right now.  I have applied for youth minster jobs at other churches, accounting jobs, even at Wal-Mart - what is He doing with me?  He's allowing a twig to become a tree.  He's allowing to a prince to become a king.  He's equipping me. 

Daryl Coley-He's preparing me

He Can't Hear God

Recently, I listened to Derwin Gray in Fort Mill.  He is a good teacher/preacher in Fort Mill.  One of my friends told me to listen to his podcast because of the last post I did.  Now, if you know me and how much I love the Lord, you also know that I don't listen to everyone who is on TV.  The last thing I am going to do is send someone money for "miracle water" or an "anointed handkerchief" I am not into - "everyone is prosperous" when the Bible clearly states " the poor you will have with you always"  Derwin did not try to sell anything but, he did try to get you to listen to the voice of the Lord.

To make my point, let me get back to Derwin Gray.  He was talking about relationships and how they tend to bad.  Not because of how things were going between the man and the woman, but between the man and God.  I did like what he had to say about relationships - it was a good sermon.

I hear a lot of men say that they are not hearing anything from God today.  They can't seem to focus on the Word while they are reading.  They aren't being ministered to in the way that they should be.  They are so stressed out at home, work and  in the community, and there seems to be arrows coming at them from every side.  They don't know when or how it got "this bad" or "I didn't see it coming"

Digging deeper into their personal lives, there was a common thread that I just couldn't help but notice.  Every single one of these men have/had wives who were very strong willed, had larger than life personalities, had hurtful relationships in their pasts, and their wives had nothing good to say about them or to them.

While none of these "excuses" justifies the male lack of a relationship with God.  However, I do understand what they are saying.  Think about from our vantage point.  Why would I want to pray with a woman who called me less than a man?  Why would I pray for you when you tell me I am not a real man?  Why would I seek out the Lord on your behalf when you compare me to other men?  He can't hear the voice of the Lord, when all he hears is yours.

Men want to hear the main points, go and process it, work it out and move on.  If you want him to be the man of God that he was always destined to be, then you need to be quiet, pray for him that God will work out his issues, stop pointing the finger at him - he feels bad enough, learn how to encourage him even when things don't look that great.  It's no wonder he can't stay focused, he is too worried about what you are going to tell him he could be doing instead of reading the Bible.  He is stressing about about paying bills when he should be trusting God who promised that He would never see His righteous forsaken or His seed begging bread.  In the midst of the storm, the man can't hear God's still small voice because the voice of doubt, discouragement, emotional deterioration and verbal beat downs have taken him to a very low place.

If he is showing you he values you - why can't you do the same in return for him?  Why do you disrespect him in front of the kids?  Those same kids are going to think that's the way marriage is, and we will have divorced daughters and weak sons.  They model what they see.


To all of my brothers out there - regardless of what your skin looks like - we are all brothers trying to reach the same place - home with Jesus.  Make sure you are doing your part to be the prince, priest, provider, protector and prophet of your home.  I haven't worked a day in almost 3 years and yes, there are days when I feel like I don't provide for my family.  Providing goes above and beyond money.  You have to give your heart to your wife, children and your home.  If you be honest with yourself, you might have a hand in the issues and you might have to eat a little crow.  I am not telling you to be like one of my readers who does all of apologizing and has to say why he's sorry and she NEVER does the same for him.  I am saying love her more than you love yourself.  Hug her when she is not huggable to you at that moment.  Encourage her to dream and tell her that she can do whatever she sets her mind to do.  Bring/send her flowers just because.  Run that hot bath in anticipation that she might need a moment to relax and get away for that short moment.  In short, because the prince charming that she fell in love with.

Ladies, you know how to pick a fight with him.  You know all of the right buttons to push.  You even know how far to push him before he retaliates with hurtful words.  If you want you man to hear from God, you have to love him from a different direction.  Turn off that TV and stop comparing him to these fake, unrealistic ideas of what a man and a husband should look like, act like and be like.  Those shows are for ratings and getting people to live a life of unrealized dreams and fantasy.  If God wanted us to be programmed, he would have made us into robots like the Stepford wives.  As men, we aren't supposed to "show emotion"  I don't know where that hog wash came from, but it needs to be squashed.

We have emotional needs just like you do.  We like to have our egos stroked once in a while.  We like it when you make us feel like a man.  We want you to share our dreams and goals for ourselves, our family and our relationship.  We want to hear what God is saying to us about our homes, but we need you to give us time to hear Him over what you have to say.  We want you to respect us enough, that we are hearing God speak to us and through us.  We don't want to be compared to other men.  Ask yourself this -  why did I choose him?  Make that list of all of his qualities and what you consider  his shortcomings and then pray about them.  Men - you do the same thing and really pray from a place of love for her.  IF you really want to hear from God - get your heart to a place where He would want to reside.  He is standing at the door looking for a vacancy sign - not "no room in the inn"  Your heart is the seat of your soul - just give it Him.

If you are genuinely praying for each other, and not a "God please change him/her.  I can't stand it when...."  No, you took vows that said for better or for worse.  In your weakness, you will find strength.  Those places that you think are weakness are really presenting themselves as opportunities to grow together.  So, if you want him/her to hear God's Voice - you need to close your mouth, repent and start thinking about how you are going to present your words, prior to letting them have free reign over your.  Words are like toothpaste, once it's out, you can't put it back.

When Your Best Doesn't Seem To Be Good Enough

Recently, a young man asked me how I stayed married for 21 years while his marriage of 3 years seems to be falling apart.  Communication is the major key to any marriage being successful.  You have to be honest without being hurtful when you disagree and it takes time to learn how to do that.

His biggest gripe is this.  Whenever they argue, she points out all of his flaws and reminds him of his present and past failures, compares him to men in other marriages of their friends, is very condescending when she speaks to him, degrades him in front of their baby and proceeds to tell the how useless dad is, and the list goes on and on.

At the end of the argument, she expects an apology from him and for him to say why he is sorry.   Sort of like you would treat your 2 year old.  She never admits that she had anything to do with the problem, that she was upset over some trivial little item.  Now, I said it wasn't easy.

When she realizes that she is what has happened and she has deflated her man, she wants to blame it on her "time of the month"  Now ladies, please don't take this the wrong way but, YOU decide what comes out of your mouth, how it is presented and delivered.  If you can keep it on a level field at work and nobody knows it's your "time"  why do we as husbands have to suffer the brutal side effects of a verbal tongue lashing?  I'm just saying.

This is not some Divorce Court drama that I'm talking about.  This young lady has a very false sense of what a marriage is supposed to be like.  She watches way too much TV and bases reality on fantasy.  Life is not The Cosby Show or Daddy Knows Best.    I really wish I could say this is some made up stuff, but I have been witness to the young man's 40 lashes by his wife.  I have stepped in after he walked away totally embarrassed because of what he had to endure in front of his friends and family.

I wish I could say this young man was not doing his part but he is.  He is getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby.  He is the only financial support in the house.  He does his best to take care of house and keeping it maintained.  He cooks, cleans, does the laundry, the shopping and everything else it takes to run the house and yet - his best isn't good enough for her.

This has nothing to do with her having had a baby a year ago.  She was like this prior to the baby.  He had no idea what he was getting into when he married her.  It's funny how people change after they say "I Do"  The love and support that was there prior to the vows, seems to be a shackle placed on the 3rd finger of the let hand at the ceremony.  What happens to the happiness that was shared when you were dating?  Why did you change when the planning started?  If you were so in love before, how did it all go so badly that you treat someone like dirt.

Again, I wish that I could say that there was something that wasn't being seen, but trust me, everything is in the wide open with her.  He can't talk on the phone without her yelling for something in the background.  Listen to this and hear my heart.

When you get married and the vows are spoken, you are supposed to remain faithful to the words you've spoken in front of the people and most importantly to the GOD!!!   Being faithful to one another goes above and beyond adultery.  You have to be faithful to your promise to each other and God.  I really wish young couples would stop having someone read 1 Corin. 13 at their weddings until someone gives them a clear understanding of what LOVE is.  Yes, it sounds good at the ceremony and everyone expects to hear it recited.  But what's the point of reciting it, if you aren't going to apply to your life?

I was on the phone with this young man as he spoke through the tears and pain for over an hour.  I love this man like he were my own brother.  I believe in the union of marriage but I also believe in a peace of mind.  If I can't go home and find some peace - I need to make a change.  Sometimes it just doesn't work.  The sad part is this, she brings her family into the marriage.  They know all of the details of the finances, the mortgage issues, the problems with the house, the late bills, and even their sex lives or lack there of, and her family has no problem weighing in on the matters, calling and sending demoralizing texts, questioning his manhood, telling him that he isn't a real man or saying "a real man would...." - SHAME ON YOU!!!!!

That man is doing the best he knows how to, to take care of you and his child.  Did I mention he is also raising a little girl that isn't his from a past relationship of hers?  This little smart mouth kid, tells everything she knows and hears the mother say, and this man has to have it told him again at the school, from the neighbors, from her family - SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!  It's like he is paying for the all of the men who hurt her before - and he is paying the ultimate price.

He said something to me that made me pause.  "When will this end?"  You can look in his face and see that he deeply loves this woman.  No matter what he does to please her, it's still not enough.  He reads his bible to get some answers but his mind is a mess and doesn't focus on what the words. He is too busy thinking about how to get the bills caught up and keeping her happy.  I did tell him this - take your rightful place as the man.  Take a day off of work, go to the library and write a new plan for your household.  Start working on refinancing your house or having the loan modified, either get rid of the house phone or the cell phone - people who know you, know how to find you so why have that extra bill; your kids primarily watch dvd's anyway - so shut off the cable, plan your errands wisely - lump all into one trip a week and save that gas; most of all -PRAY!!!!  When you have done all you can to stand, STAND!!!.

If you are one of those people who asks/tells your spouse, "where are you going?  who is going to want you? these kids will keep you here, you can't make it without me"  Please check yourself.  The other person can make it without.  Staying for the kids is not always smart.  They need to see what a healthy marriage looks like and yours is toxic unless you make major changes. If you are going to argue in front of them - apologize to each other in front of them. Hey sweetie, if you wanted him/her, someone else will also.

Trust me, when he gets his weight back up, starts taking care of himself again, dressing nicely because he feels good about himself, going back to the gym.  She will see that her words no longer have power over him.  She needs to seek therapy for past issues, get medicated and delivered, and build her man up and stop beating him down.  What made you fall in love with him in the first place?  Stop trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a Kool-Aid budget.  This is not the Housewives of Atlanta - this is real life and no one cares if you have the "best of everything"  We are all hurting in this economy, so cut back like the rest of us.

He wants his marriage to work.  My hat is off to him for that.  The average man would have run a long time ago. But he is not average, he is a real Christian man who is doing his human best to trust God.  He needs to surrender his heart, his life, his wife and children to God and allow God the time it's going to take, to make his house into a home.

So, how do I stay married for 21 years.  By loving her. Doing my best to meet her needs and not just hearing her speak, but listening to what she has to say.  When I feel like I am being attacked - sit still and listen because I might need to hear the end of the statement before I react and retaliate.  I didn't say I was perfect - but I am working toward being a better man/husband/father.  By letting her know what's in my heart without sounding weak.  I do it by expressing what my needs are as a man - and yes our needs go beyond the bedroom if you are honest.  I pray for her and for us.  I ask the Lord to show me how to do this.  There is no manual that gives you every answer.  However, there is the Word of God that guides me day by day.  I am wise enough to speak to men who have been where I am going.  I don't ask single men to speak into my life or marriage - they have NO CLUE WHAT IT TAKES.

There is much more to making it work.  Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100% each.  If you are only going to give me 50%, please keep it.  I want all of you, or none at all.  If your best isn't good enough - run to the cross.  God knows your heart and your intentions.

To end the conversation with the man, I told him that he might want to get away for a few days just to clear his mind and seek the Lord for direction.  He looks tired, worn out, older than his age and beaten down.  Being unequally yolked to someone is not a good thing for you, for the other person and not for the kids.  When you best isn't good enough, it's time to take inventory and see if it's worth it all.  When everyone around you can see you doing your best and it's not good enough - you might want to listen to them.

I did direct him to a book entitled, "The Power Of A Praying Husband"  Back to Tyler Perry and Madea.  Some people are trying so hard to keep things together that God might be trying to rip apart.  I do believe in the union of marriage, sometimes it doesn't work out for many reasons no matter how good your best is.

Let It Ripen

Like most mornings, I start the day with a little Joyce Meyers.  Today she gave one of the best nuggets that I thought I would share.  She said "too many people are bearing leaves and no fruit"  That thing completely woke me up at 6:15AM.  I wanted to hear more.

She went on to say that many of us pick the fruit to soon.  God is trying to ripen us for service and like grocery stores - we pick it, package it and try to sell it before it's ready to be eaten and enjoyed.  It looks good on the outside but, when you peal back the skin of the fruit - it's dry, mealy, hard, and tasteless.  The way we look on the outside, is the way we should be in our homes.

Now this is my own commentary on the matter.  I do agree with her.  Before my family became members of our church, we weren't sure what to think about the people.  We thought that they were putting on an act and that no church can maintain this look for long.  We were so wrong.

The way you see the people serve, volunteer and represent God first and then the church, is the way they are when you see them on the streets.  We have had the pleasure of becoming good friends with a few of the members, and I have to say - they are some of the best people we know.

Like the three bananas that Joyce had (all at different stages of being ripened) you can see how it was a great comparison to people.  Who wants to be around anyone who is hard, dry, and tasteless like a dark green banana.  Nobody can say anything good about you because your skin is so thick and you aren't trying to let anyone see what's really there.

Then you have the banana that is starting to turn yellow with green edges.  It sat in the sun a bit longer and has gone through the heat, but it's not quite ready to be eaten.  The problem with this person is that they go to church and seem to be ready to do the work of the ministry.  They haven't been trained, they have the heart attitude but not the level of commitment/maturity  needed to the best job for the task at hand.  They look good, and are picked to soon.  They allow you to pull back the skins, but it takes work.  They allow you to see what they want you to see.  They are up and down, hit or miss, moody, seem soft - but is really hard.

Then you have the perfect banana - nice and yellow.  Tastes sweet, easy to peel.  This is the person who has gone through some things.  They don't allow themselves to be picked for things they know they aren't ready for.  They have a great work ethic even though they volunteer.  They know they aren't getting paid, but they perform their work as though they are being paid.  They allow people to see their hearts, hurts and triumphs.  They stayed on the tree longer than most.  They know that their life source - the tree - didn't want them to go and be tasteless, hard and thick skinned.  Instead, the tree wanted to let go when person was enjoyable to be around, that had a good Word all the time, didn't complain, was a source of encouragement to others.

Yeah, all of that from a piece of fruit.  The Word of God does tell us that "they will know you by the fruit you bear"  Now, I am not saying to go out and tell people that they aren't ready to do a work for the Lord.  Just look at the fruit they bear.  You can be a fruit inspector.  Just remember - if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks life a duck - AFLAC!!!!!.  That can go both ways, ripened and rotten fruit.

Do you want people to look at you and say "taste and see that the Lord is good" or "I will spit you out because I know you not"  There is some strange fruit around here passing itself off as something good.  Trust me, it's all wax fruit.  Be careful that your teeth don't get stuck in it.

So many people want to be used by God, and that's a good thing.  Please sit still and let Him ripen you first.  You will be tempted to break free from the tree, but there is nourishment in that tree that you need.  The tree will let you go when you are perfectly made.  Yes, bruised fruit can still be used and makes some of the best  people to be used.

You don't throw out bruised apples, you make cider.  You don't throw out brown bananas, you make banana pudding.  You don't throw out bruised peaches, you make preserves or cobbler.  You don't throw out bruised people - they make great testimonies.  God will ripen anyone who wants to be made whole.  Don't give up on the fruit that was picked to soon.  You might have to put them in the window so they go from green to glorious. Let it ripen.

Go To Church Man

I've often wondered why more men don't go to church, especially in the Black Church.  I was listening to the radio the other day and the host was asking the question "is the Black church dying?"  First, let me say this and I know it's going to raise some eyebrows, but here it goes.  There is ONLY God's church!!!!

I know what the host meant - the predominantly black church.  I was once a part of the "black church"  Bad teaching had me believing that between the hours of 11AM - 1PM on any given Sunday, was segregation time in the church.  Growing up,all I would hear at church was how to get them before they get us, God's Word was prostituted, twisted and taken out of context to drive the point home.  You will never be treated as an equal.  Give me a break!!!! 

Don't get me wrong.  Some of my best experiences and memories are a direct result of the Black church experience.  You can't beat the music and the sermons (when they are of God)  From my own personal experience you also can't beat the way you get abused when you are in leadership positions.  I have been beaten financially, spiritually, and emotionally in the church - both black and white.  I served for over 20 years in church and have never been paid for the full time work I was doing.  Nor was I reimbursed to the money out of pocket for supplies - "you just sowed into the kingdom and your pay day is coming after while"

I read a book entitled "War In The Pews" when I was going through the process of leaving one church.  I wasn't allowed to pray, read the scripture, or teach a Sunday School class because I couldn't afford the 15 offerings listed on the envelope.  One night at a men's bible study, the pastor said - I am sitting at the this table with Judas and directed the comment at me.  You see, the power had gotten to his head and some 300+ people walked out on him just prior to that meeting.  Knowing that I was friend with the majority of them, he assumed I would turn on him.  I didn't leave that church for another 3 years, even under what appeared to be the persecution of pharaoh. But, when God said it was time to go - I hit the ground running.

After having gone through more than enough, I went to church whenever I felt like it.  Why be there?  Here I was, a young minister unable to walk in my calling.  So, I went and preached at other churches that asked me to speak, and I made sure my pastor knew.  He would tell me I was not allowed to go unless he spoke to the host pastor about me first.  I was not allowed to perform a wedding, serve communion, or visit the sick.  He even took away an outreach that I started with my Sis. who was a minister there also.  Said it was getting too big.  Why was he worried about it, the money didn't come from church fund?  We fed those kids, purchased our supplies and reached out the parents on our own.  God chose us to serve in the middle of the projects and we were well received and respected.

After a few months of sporadic attendance, I was called in to meet with the "board."  How do I put this?  It was like going to the Spanish inquisition.  They sat me at one end of the table and he said, " Reverend, we brought you here to tell you everything we see about you, and that we don't like it.  You can speak when we are done, and if you leave this church - I promise you will not preach in this state ever again"

You see, he thought he had me over a barrel because I was the state youth pastor for some 80+ churches, I was the 2nd VP for the State Congress of Christian Education, and some other positions.  Thank God I am not egotistical and that titles do not matter me.  It's about my walk with Jesus and my wanting to please Him first.  Favor with man is a result of finding favor with the Lord.  I still preached in the state.

One by one, they sat there and told me everything they didn't like about with the exception of one person - my big sister in the Lord.  She was the only one of 13 people who stood up for what was right.  She saw what was really going on behind the scenes, and she told them that God was not pleased.  At the end of that meeting - I looked him in the eye, and said good-bye as I shook his hand.  He said "see you on Sunday"  I was done and refused to go back in that building for over 5 years.

To this day, I still don't know how I drove 23 miles home.  The drive is still a blur to me.  My eyes were swollen from the tears, frustration and the anger.  How could a church treat anybody this way?

I eventually wrote him a letter of resignation informing him that God has set me free and that I would not soon return to Egypt. I never gave up on God or the "church" because God never gave up on me.  So today, I find myself in North Carolina at one of the greatest churches in the land.

Before we moved here, I asked the Lord to show us the place where He wanted us to be when we got here.  We checked out a few churches, but all I saw was what I left in CT.

(If this is your church - I do not apologize.)  Before we even get into the parking lot of one church - we could feel the music in our car. The bass was so strong that it penetrated the walls of the building.  Once inside, the unfriendly usher pushes us to the fourth row where my son begins to cry because the music is ear piercing.  You could reach out and touch the praise and worship team, but couldn't hear a single word of what they were singing because of the volume of the instruments.  When the children were dismissed to go to class - the usher asked me where I was going (at that time my son who was 7 years old) and the he could take himself to class.  Quick, fast and in a hurry, I let her know that I was taking him because I want to know where he was, who the teacher is, and what the check-in policy was.  They didn't have a check in policy.  By the time the service was over - I had a headache.

This same place was having a building fund campaign at the time I was there. Someone stood up and said to check the website for creative ways to give.  I was in shock when I saw the following:  sell your house, come out of retirement, sell your jewelry, get a second job, take out a loan, sell your car, and it just got worse.  I knew that was not the place for us.

After being discouraged, we were driving down the street one day from the apartment we were renting, and saw a road sign that had a church name on it.  We decided that we would visit there since we were not happy driving out to Weddington once I realized the sermons were actually a book that I just read.  Listen, everyone who thinks they are called, are not chosen for the task.  Many are called - FEW are chosen. This church was all about the technology they had.  The walls were painted black and the screen was as tall and wide as the building.  It was like going to an IMAX theater.  When service was over, the side doors opened and you were in the direct sunlight waiting for your eyes to adjust.  I don't think God cares about a show and reciting a book.  He wants your heart and the sermon to come from Him.  The one great thing they had was the children and youth ministry - awesome.

Laying in bed one Sunday morning, feeling empty and depleted, the Lord woke me up and said "Go to church, I have something to say to you"  So I woke up the family, we got dressed and off we went.  While I am getting dressed, I am asking God where we are going today.  We start out on the road and He says turn now.  It was that little road sign we saw a few weeks ago.  We go in and sit down and the pastor appears on the screen.  The first words out of his mouth are "someone has gone through hell this week"  It was October of 2008.  Our family has just finished completing the "Facing Your Giants" bible study.  We moved from CT with 7 days with of clothes, a folding table with 6 folding chairs, air mattresses and blankets.  We needed to hear from God in a big way.

Before I knew it, the tears were flowing down my face.  To make a long story short, we have been there ever since.  I love the way our pastor keeps it simple, cuts to the heart of the matter, doesn't short change God, doesn't twist the scriptures, calls out issues for what they are, encourages a person to live right, challenges your walk upright with God and man, has a heart for the people, visits the youth in their building, visits the off-site location, shows you he is still a man - but striving to please the Lord, the music is outstanding, my wife and kids are the happiest we have ever been in a church. I could go all day about Central.  The great thing is this, the rest of the staff is the same way.

I keep getting the question - have you told them you are a minister?  Yes, I have told a few people.  Do I want to ever be in a leadership position again? - only if God orchestrates it to happen.  I have done enough church "man's way" it's time to let God do things His Way!!!

All to Jesus, I surrender.

There's A King Inside of Me - Donnie McClurkin

DONALD LAWRENCE - THERE'S A KING IN YOU LYRICS

DONALD LAWRENCE - THERE'S A KING IN YOU LYRICS

There is a King In You! Song Donald Lawrence; Video Only Jantonio Turn...

There is A King In You

I recently wrote about how our daughters and wives need covering.  Today, I want to covering our sons.  There are far too many boys walking around in the bodies of full grown men.

How can I make that statement?  Easy - when I was a child, I thought like a child, I acted like a child.  When I became a man, I put away childish things.  I matured and took life seriously.  I took on the responsibilities of a man.  I did the things that men do.  I stood up for what was right spiritually, morally, ethically and in my marriage and fatherhood.

Just today, I looked at a boy stuck in a man's body walking with a child of about 3 years old.  The two of them walked by in in the grocery store, pants barely holding up, boxers showing, and shoes flopping.  The father had the nerve to say to the child, "get your swagger on"  The child needs to learn to read, speak proper English, how to respect himself and others, and the basic fundamentals of life - not how to swagger and walk around with his pants on the ground!!!!  I don't care if you are African American, Caucasian, or pink with purple polka dots - teach your son how to be a man!!!!

Take them to school so that the teacher knows you are an active part of your son's life.  Ask the right questions when there are issues in school.  Don't accept what is written on a piece of paper as the final answer.  Open your mouth and ask what you can do as the father to help your son at home.  Find out what the school system has for resources.  If you child has a learning disability, find out how to treat it and then do your part to work with him. Your son needs to know that he is covered.

Don't allow life to pass you by and your son can't cope with the issues of life because you didn't stand up for him and get him some help.  There are far too many moms out there, doing the work of both parents.  Take some of the load off of her and do something man!!!!  You better believe my son's school knows me for more than my baking and cooking ability.  They know that I am going to show up, speak up, and check up.  If I don't like the answers, I will go to the next level until I have gotten all the way to the state board of education.

My kids mean that much to me.  The game can wait, washing the car can wait, hanging with the boys can wait, going to gym can wait.  If he can't read, do math and write well - stop blaming the school and get your butt moving to help the kid.

It's like this, I pray a prayer with my son at night where he confesses that he is a prince, a royal priesthood.  Why?  Kids believe what they confess and what they hear you say they are.  There is a king inside of my son.  He has a love of reading now, that I had a kid.  I love that I can walk into his room and instead of playing video games, I catch him reading for more than an hour - and, I didn't tell him to do it.

He was inspired by the Blind Side movie, and surprisingly  he compared himself to Michael Oher.  He recognized he was a big kid for his age, that he had challenges reading and comprehending and that he also had a love of football.  He must have watched that movie every night for 3 months.  He wants to do better in school and make us even more proud of him than we already are.  We assure him that he just needs to do his best, pay attention and try to remember what he was taught.

Of course, we would love for him to get straight A's, but we are going to love him no matter what if he doesn't, as long as he did his best and tried hard.  In covering him, we paid for reading and math programs online to help him.  Yes, he gets frustrated when he doesn't get it right away, but that's part of the learning process.  He has an amazing support system in his school and we are grateful that they get back to us quickly.

So men, stop acting like boys!!!!  Speak up for your son - he won't forget it.  You need to model for him, what a man is supposed to look like, act like and be like.  Earn the title of "DAD" that he will be proud to tell everyone that you are his.  My heart is full when I see my son at school and his face lights up when he sees me walking in.  All of his classmates tell him, "I wish my dad came to eat lunch with me"  His response - "just ask him"

Donald Lawrence has a song entitled "There Is A King In You":  He says - there is branch inside the twig, a king inside the prince.  Our son name means "Who Is Like God, Priceless" and we see God in him, and he is priceless to us - just like his sisters are.

Dad cover your son and tell him ' There Is A King In You.  Even if you didn't get it as a child, don't you want better for your son.  I determined that the cycle ended with my father, and that I would be a better man, husband and father than he never was.  The bonding process with my son can't be bought for or by, anything.  He is not going to be the next thug on the corner if I can help and the Lord blesses me to raise him to be a man.  Our boy - is a prince being groomed to be the king!!!

Never Give Up

Well, I finally finished it.  My application for the Next Great Baker.  There were far too many people telling me to enter the contest and then complete strangers are telling me that my baking precedes me.  One of my friend's mom told me to at least try it out, but most of all, my wife is just to supportive.  Even if I don't get chosen this time, I will try again next year.  Nothing beats a failure but a try.  I am looking at the bright side.

So, I did it.  I even went around my small town to see if there was any competition in the bakery area, and I found one small shop so far off of the road that no one can see it.  The shop was dimly lit, felt unkept, and had no personality at all.  The shop I want to open will be bright, airy, fun and there will be something for people to purchase.

I have prayed and prayed about a name for the place and I keep going back to Heavenly Scent.  The name won't leave me and I know that it's God giving it to me.  Imagine it, me walking in my passion and doing what I enjoy.  Since this is my dominant gift, I will use it to make room for me and my family.  I am working up a pamphlet, pictures and a website.  I need to make one more trip to SCORE and get some advice from the retired business executives on how to obtain a small business loan.  It won't take much to start up, and the location I want to go to is perfect - high traffic, people who love to eat and once the smell is in the air, people will ask, "what is that Heavenly Scent?"

Now comes the hard part, seeking God while I seek the help of man.  He said I would find favor with Him and men.  With that, please PRAY for a brother.  If the Lord leads you, fast and pray.  After all faith without works is dead.  I will sit back and wait for anyone to do what I need to do for myself.  I just need to come up with a logo and a tag line to go with the name.

I have enough recipes to last forever.  Too many flavors to name in one sitting, but I will do this.  I can do the event planning on the side while I bake for the masses.  My event portfolio is coming together, I am asking for letters of recommendation from former clients, have pictures ready, samples of literature from former events, cd labels from past events, and I have given out samples of my baked goods.  Comparing this to a woman - this baby is ready to be birthed!!!!

I have such a 'NEVER GIVE UP' spirit right now.   I feel like I can take on the world.  I recall hearing Yolanda Adams say this morning - if you speak it enough, you will do it.  Without faith, it is impossible to please the Lord.  With God, all things are possible, without Him - NOTHING is possible.  I speak life over myself and my endeavor.  I will not allow the nay sayers  to bring me down.  So I say to doubt, fear and discouragement - you WILL NOT put your foot on my neck.  I have been down long enough.  I have been preparing for battle and it's wartime. I am a realist and I know there might be obstacles in my way.  I look at those obstacles as opportunity.  Opportunity for me to learn the business and for me to grow.  Trials come to make me strong, not to defeat me.

I know that I have to crawl before I walk, and walk before I run, and run before I fly.  BUT, when I start flying - watch out because I will only land long enough to help someone get their wings, and then I am off again.  I have to help someone just like someone helped me - while I keep my eyes on Him who provides all.

NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!  After you have done all you can to stand, STAND - and NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

Being Covered

This past weekend I learned something from some good friends who traveled to enjoy a weekend long celebration.  The wife said to me - "a girl needs her dad's covering."  It wasn't until she told me her testimony  of her life that the depth of that statement really hit me.  I just pray that my girls can sense my covering when they are not around me. 

The subject that won't keep it's ugly head buried and keeps resurfacing - the missing dad - is deeper than originally thought.  No, not just with me, but with other people as well.  Several of my followers are having issues with dad.  I find it very interesting that the female feels this loss in a greater way than most of the men.  Maybe it's because so many men are afraid to express what that void feels like.  Maybe they prefer to continue walking in the lie that they are fine with the way things are.  I don't think so.  They feel a degree of emptiness like the rest of us.  If they were fine, they wouldn't be the one bringing up the subject, their life would speak differently, they would treat their own children better and, they would want to see an end to the perpetual cycle of absentee dads, by being their for their own children.

You see, this young lady traveled a great distance to attend this affair.  By the time the evening came to an end, she was rethinking her views of her dad; her role in the relationship, and her views of black men.  I told her not to condemn an entire race of men due to the failure of what she has seen in her past.  Their are men - regardless of race - who do make a difference.  She explained that she was well educated and didn't want to settle for someone who was not her educational equal.  She explained that she is only approached by men of a different race.

I left her with this:  I believe that you have set your standards so high, that your imaginary ideal man, will never be found.  It's like being in the grocery store looking for a specialty food on a very high shelf, and what you're really looking for is on eye level.  Stop looking for Marty Millionaire, when Average Income Andy is going to give you a better quality of life.  It's not about the money when the love is not there. That is part of the message I need to pass on to my girls.  A man can tall, dark, handsome and rich, who treats you well in front of everyone, but leaves you longing for his heart at home.  At the other end of the spectrum, that same tall, dark and handsome man could be janitor and fill your house with peace, love and happiness because he found a woman who appreciates what he does for his family.

I took a long hard look at my girls and asked myself if I think I am covering them they way each of them needs me to.  I had to look in the mirror of life, take inventory and restock the shelves of love, hope, trust, protection, and much more.  Covering my daughters is more than providing them with a home, food and clothing.  Any man can do that and still be absent in the way that matters most - emotionally.    This is not just extended to my girls, but most importantly, to my wife. 

What I model in covering my wife, is what my girls are going to seek after when they get married.  I am not perfect, but I am trying my best to overcome who I was.  Not making excuses, but when you had no role model to follow, it becomes on the job training for the man.  You have to become a man who walks upright, father's children, is husband to your wife - you can't rely on TV dads to show you how to be what your family needs.  I recall once saying "my name is Tony McKoy, not Cliff Huxtable. This is reality, not the perfect TV family" 

The longer I am married, the more I see the emotional needs of my wife and my girls.  I see why so many females are a mess.  They have a false sense of security in the men in their lives, all because dad did his disappearing act when she was young.

Again, I have to set a standard for my daughters to look for in a husband.  I want them to find a man that validates them as much, if not more than I do.  He has to be her protector and her provider.  He has to be able to explain the things she might not understand.  He has to keep up with the issues around the world.  He has to be able to talk intelligently about current events and not what kinds of rims the next rap star has on his car. 

After speaking to three different women this past weekend, I am encouraged in my relationships with my wife and daughters.  I spoke to my wife about the events of the weekend.  God has blessed me with a woman who trusts me and is not insecure when she sees me speaking with other people.  She knows that I am going to set the record at the start of the conversation.  Not because she told me too, but because I love her enough to make sure other woman know the game is over before it has a chance to start.

So dads, cover your wife and daughters.  Pray for them without them knowing you are doing it.  Go to battle for them when they are unaware.  God will reward you for what you in secret.  I don't pray with them as much as I need to, but I pray for every one of them when they walk out the door.  Our woman need to know that they are covered and that we are listening.  We may not always understand, but we are listening.  They just want to be covered.

You Are Always On My Mind

This morning I woke up thinking about my sister who passed away 13 years ago.  And, for some reason I can't shake being overwhelmed with emotion when I think about her.  Before I got married, she was my ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD!!!!  Most people couldn't understand our friendship.   When we were younger, I would volunteer to take a spanking for her.  I would defend her at all costs because I felt like it was my job to protect her in every way possible after our mom passed away.

We knew everything about each other, and I mean everything.  Leaving home at 16 was a challenging time for me.  I called her everyday to see how she was holding up and to make sure she felt safe.  She would tell me that I need to take care of myself and not to worry about her, but I did.

Leaving for college was even harder.  I couldn't imagine going more than an hour away from "home" and not be close enough to get back to her.  See, I loved my sister.  She was the only person who I felt believed in me.  No matter how many times I was told that I was nothing, I will never be anything, and I am worth nothing.  She would come and tell me the exact opposite.  She begged me not to leave but I couldn't take anymore.  I was tired of the constant demoralization I faced every single day.  When I finally had enough - she knew it and told me that I needed to leave before someone got hurt.

When she get sick with a form of palsy, I rushed home from college to be by her beside and I sat right there until she was released.  My college friends wondered what happened to me.  I was raised in one of those "what happens in this family, stays in this family" kind of houses.  I missed exams and fell behind. I shut out my roommate John, and all of my friends.  But I never shut her out.  I told her how I hated going to college for accounting when I really wanted to be a teacher.   She told that if I changed my major that I would be cut off financially from home.  So, against my own will, I stuck with accounting and was in a job I hated for 21 years.

When I told her that I was getting married, she was so excited for me because I found someone who loved me with all my faults, shortcomings, trials and triumphs. She would tell me all the time, " I like her and she will be good for you"  Tammy's opinion was more important to me than anyone else in the world at that time.  She really loved my wife like she would a sister.

Planning her wedding was a great time for us.  We did everything together for that wedding.  She trusted me so much that she asked me to make dresses for our daughters.  I must admit, they came out pretty good.  I made all of her florals, helped design her dress, made her veil and decorated the hall for her.  That was some of the best money my wife and I ever spent.  The smile on her face was PRICELESS.

The day she died, I felt like the world came to an end for the third time in my life.  We lost our mom when she was only 27, I lost my sister when she was 27, and my brother was gunned down when he was 22.  I wanted the world to stop so I could get off and get some relief.  But, there was something very different when she passed away.  We listed to our two songs: My Soul Is Anchored and Count On Me, and we laughed and cried, and laughed and cried some more.  She told me that she needed to rest and that I needed to take care of myself and help her children grow up. 

The next week she looked great.  She was her old self again, so full of life and I thought she rebounded.  Everything in me knew that it was the end.  Being a minister and seeing people in the hospital follow this pattern - you just know. But I still had hope in spite of it all. 

When the doctor called me at 2:30AM, to let me know I needed to come and see her, it was too late.  I didn't get to talk to her in the final moments.  I felt cheated that she didn't wait for me, but she knew I wasn't ready for that . 

Now I need to go wash my face of the tears and replace them with all of the great memories I have of her.  Tammy, you are always on my mind.  I see your face every time I look at LaToya, and I am filled with joy.  She is a duplicate of her mom in almost every way.

Enough Already

I really need to stay out of WalMart.  Forget the kids acting out - I want to grab the parents and shake them.  How do you just stand there and let your child talk to you like you are the kid?  It seems to further I walked into the store, the worse it was getting.

How many times does a child have to ask for something and the parent keeps saying no, and the item ends up in the cart anyway?  How many times does the kid have to scream and say "I hate you" before the parent gets tired of hearing?  How many times do you have be called names by that ungrateful child who thinks he is entitled to the world?  How much longer are we going to apathetic?  How many more times will you say, "wait till your dad gets home?"


One of my followers has an issue(he knows I am writing this).  He is being mentally beat down by his wife because he has no job - join the club.  So I asked him what he does to contribute to the household.  He does what any man worth his weight would do.  He cooks - following the recipe as closely as possible, cleans, takes the kids to schools and works odd jobs when he can get one.  He was once a Financial Planner and can't find a job.  Every employer tells him he is their second choice and they went with a different candidate (code for younger and cheaper).  Anyway, the problem is that he is tired of being verbally beat up when the wife is stressed out.  He has only been out of work for 3 months and has been blessed to have a 7 month cash reserve built up.  They had plans to use that money for a European trip that is now on hold.

The bigger issue isn't the lack of work, it's the name calling in front of the kids, in public and at family events.  She is almost like Angela on Why Did I Get Married.  I thought about it and this is what I think.  A man is only going to take so much.  If in his heart he is doing the best he can with the situation at hand - calm down.  Keep on, and he is going to leave.  I would rather he stay and work it out.  A man's pride is a very fragile area.  If she is feeling threatened because the trip is off, or her lifestyle is about to change, set back-take a breathe and relax.  ALL of us are having to make some very tough decisions these past few years and in the immediate future.

This might sound hard, but it is not intended to be cruel or mean.  Sometimes we just need someone to tell us what they think.  You don't have to agree with it, but it was asked so here I go.

No, you may not be able to take that trip-go later, your family and bills come first.  Take a trip to a local destination and save your money.  No, you might not find another job in the industry and you should prepare yourself  for that. Yes, you might have to keep house for a while longer and all of the other things you do.  It won't kill you.  Guess what, the dynamic of the home is changing and more and more dads are at home in reversed roles. Buckle up buddy and take the ride.  Just like her, you signed up for the part of the vows that said for better or for worse.  I know your kid is a handful at school and the teachers want you to get him medical help.  If you aren't willing to get the Ritalin - then you sit next to him in class to keep him from acting up so that the rest of the kids can learn something.  And, it's called discipline - if he isn't ADD or ADHD, punish his butt.  Stop sparing the rod and spoiling him.  He only cry tears, not blood.

Teachers have a hard enough time teaching 20+ kids and you send Billy Bad Butt to school to add to the frustration, NOT!!!  Stop saying you are going homeschool him when you are complaining about how he acts at home.  He will never learn anything if you are upset with him for the way he acts.  He will end up in front of the T.V., playing video games, or in his room playing with toys.  GET THE CHILD SOME HELP!!!!  Your local school system has programs in place for him that you should be taking advantage of.

Someone, please stop the insanity.  The mother who was recently arrested and put in jail for putting her kids in a better school system that she didn't live in, is not random.  First - she needs to be set free.  She is not the first and she won't be the last.  Why make an example out of her?  What are her kids supposed to do now without her at home?  Are you going to crowd the jails with everyone else who is doing it, when you allows thieves, murderers, rapists and abusers to get  away with what they do?

Enough already!!!!  Wake up America and take control.  We have had enough of the inmates running the asylum.  Enough already - speak up when you see injustice.  Enough already - kids learn to RESPECT YOUR PARENTS AND YOUR ELDERS, or get popped in the mouth like I did when I was kid.  Trust me, you will learn.

I'm just saying, as a people we are too complacent when it comes to common decency and respect of other peoples feelings.  No, I am not saying to act like everything is roses and daisies.  Think about how you are presenting the words you are saying and how they taste going out of your mouth.  Take a long hard look at that person's face when you finally shut up from all of that unnecessary yelling and screaming.  Words are like toothpaste, once it's out - you can't put it back in the tube.

Screaming Kids - Just Saying

Lately, it seems as though people are becoming more and more rude, disrespectful and uncaring of one another.  Before I go to bed at night, and think about the events of the day.  The good things that happen as well as the bad.  I think about how to make the good become great and the bad much better.  I check myself for mistakes mad on my part, what issues I allowed to push me to edge, what triggers the few hairs I have left, to stand up on my neck.

A good friend of mine has this phrase he enjoys saying:  "People only do to you what you allow them to do."  It's a true statement.  If I let you talk to me and treat me any kind of way and say nothing - shame on me.  If I believe I am who my Father in heaven says I am, then why should I allow anyone to call me anything else, unless it lines up with His Word.

I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago because I was experiencing pain in my arms and neck again.  It feels like the pain and discomfort I had prior to the surgery.  Anywho - I went to the doctor and he wants to cut again.  Unlike CT, these surgeons go straight for the scalpel without trying therapy.  Trying as I might, I didn't want to see God in it.  If you are a praying person, you see Him in everything regardless of your denomination or religious beliefs - He is at work in every area of our lives.

One of my daughters has her own little catch phrase when I ask a question - "I'm just saying"  That phrase brought me all the back to when I was a young boy growing up in the projects.  It's the young people's way of gossiping about something.  When I was young I would hear the adults say:  "quiet as it's kept" or "word has it" or "they said."  I have always wondered who "they" are.

Anyway.  Like I was saying before - kids today.  You never have to go to far to see kids in action.  Just visit your local WalMart and you will see what I mean.  Little Billy Bad Butt and Tiny Tantrum Tina putting on a show for the rest of the world.  Before I go on, let's not forget the Put-Off Parent who was too stupid to realize that anytime after 8PM is too late for a small child to be in a store for something that could really wait for the next day.   Little Billy and Tiny Tina enter the store as quiet as church mice and then it happens.  WalMart has a habit of putting things kids want right at the door.  You aren't 10 feet inside and then the siren starts out at a low pitch and then increases to an excruciating, ear popping , 150 decibel, fever pitch roar.

Who has to listen to that - the poor senior citizen standing there saying "welcome to WalMart"  Now, I understand the marketing aspect of the kid items at the store.  It's there to make you buy it so that your kids will be quiet until you cross that aisle as you pass the registers just to run into your next obstacle - the seasonal items.  It's made to capture Billy and Tina's attention.  The bright colors, the lights shining down on the area, the frenzy of kids flocking over there without a parent in hand, moms and a few dads scrambling to get that item.  It took me all the way back to living in Norwalk and enjoying the trip to Stew Leonards(Clover's Farm when I was little) and as you enter - the ice cream stand was the first thing you passed and the second you stepped into the store - you were in the bakery.  All of the free samples a kid could want.  All kinds of animated figures throughout the store.  More free samples at every turn - cookies, bread, juice, cold cuts/deli meats, chips, veggies w/dip, cooked meats and that pool of pistachios that I would take a handful of to walk around the store, and of course - that screaming kid in the cart whose parent parked him in the middle of the aisle to watch the show of larger than life characters do their 5 minute show - literally.

Unlike WalMart, Stews is a one-way street.  You have no choice but to follow the flow of customers.  Another great marketing gimmick.  They suck you in and have very few short cuts to avoid the traffic. Regardless of what store it is, there is an optimal time to take the kids.  First thing in the day up until lunch/nap time and immediately before dinner.  Other than that, they don't have the attention span, the patience, or tolerance to put up with Put-Off Parent who was too selfish to wait until a better time for the child.

I can't stand to see the kid crying out for attention and Put-Off Parent is in their own world, doing their own thing while the helpless child is pouring out tears and drooling at the mouth.  Why are you yelling at them? ? They didn't ask to be at the store or in this world.  Don't tell them to shut-up, they are going to yell even louder now that they have your attention.  Don't hit him, people might just call Child Services on you while they record the events on their cell phones.  If had trained them properly at home, they would know how to behave in the store for you.  If you set some ground rules with the child who is able to understand and follow directions - YOU wouldn't look like an idiot who doesn't know how to parent a child.

It amazes me at the number of men who just stand there while the children act like they have lost the sense the good Lord gave them.  I see far too many men standing there with their hands in their pockets and listen to the kids disrespect mom.  That kid treat dad like a puppet on a string and dad moves at every command trying to talk softly.  I overheard one dad say "he didn't take his meds today"  That kid doesn't need meds, that kid needs discipline and learn his place as a child.  Sometimes I just want to take the kid by the collar and straighten them out.  America is over medicated now, and doping up our kids to get them to calm down is not the answer.  Instead of being the court jester - be the king you were created to be and rule your home properly.

I do believe that some people need lessons on how to raise a child.  I am no expert, but my children know  and knew that there is a way to behave when in public.  They also knew like I did as kid, if you put me to shame publicly - you will be corrected publicly.  I am of the old school where we fix the problem where it was made.  Once, I allowed one of my children get away with something by saying ' just wait until I get you home.  Threats are not going to change the current situation.  Parents need to learn how to Carpe' Diem' - Seize the day.  Take control right now before your day it ruined and you walk around feeling like everyone is looking at you.  Seize the moment and know your child's schedule.  Right now my kids (all 4 of them) know that if we walk into a store - do not walk away from me unless you ask, the ground rules are layed down in the car, in the parking lot before the door opens and foot hits the ground.  They know what I expect.  We are here for one purpose and one purpose only - don't ask for something we have not budgeted for and if you ask - you will be told a very firm NO.  Ask me twice, and we will not be going over the rules, we will not be asking what did we say in the car. All it takes from me now is the look.  My face says it all.

And, if you are thinking about trying to call me out - be prepared!!!!!!!!  So, before you go say, "I feel sorry for his kids."  Let me make you fully aware of a simple facts.  I am not their friend - I am their father.  We will be friends when they grow up, graduate college and get married.  There are way too many kids that are statistics.  I have a choice to make - do I want them in the state pen. or at Penn State.  I'll take Penn State for $1,000 Alex.  It's too hard to be kid today with all the challenges they face, and the media is not helping us at all.  They glorify the bad and don't push the positive strong enough.  My girls and son know I love them because they are told.  I don't always get it right, but I do the best I can to provide a good, safe home, cook nurishing meals, keep clean clothes on them, and discipline with love, discipline, love.  Tell them that you love them, tell them what they did wrong and give the consequence, and love on them some more.

It's not always the child's fault for their behavior - it's yours.  All of that made my relationship with God change.  He has expectations of what He wants His children to be like. If we know Him like we should, our goal would be to make our Father proud.  Yes, He is standing their when we fall and picks us up again.  We are like toddlers to Him and He keeps teaching us everyday to walk a bit stronger.  One thing I do know about Him and have learned the hard way - obedience is better than sacrifice.  I'm Just Saying!!!!!

Refocusing

Lately I find myself lying in bed trying to pray to God and thank Him for the events of the day.  Before I know it, my mind is all over the place. 

I find it extremely hard to stay focused on any one subject for too long.  I am finding hard to remember things great and small.  The worst part is, I write things down on my calendar and forget to look at it until it's too late.  I don't know what's going on inside of me but I do know this.  Before the sight in my right eye goes,  I will look at the world differently.  I will search out the beauty that is there instead of all of the bad things that are perpetuated by our different areas of media.

I recently went out to dinner at a place here in Indian Trail just to find that the old south was alive and well.  In spite of the poor service, lack of consideration, rude staff and being deliberately passed over - the bright spot was the one waitress who worked at the former establishment before the new management and new name took over.  I find it very ironic that the name of the place and the situation have one thing in common - I was really at a crossroads. 

I could have easily called out the staff right there on the spot.  But a very wise woman taught me that I should treat people better than the way they treat me.  To never let anyone see that you are down, but that as long as I look up and keep my head held high - I win. 

I walked out of that place assuring the very kind waitress that we would never come back into that place again, and that I would let my friends know how bad the experience was.  Is that going to change anything - no.  Is it going to get the people to change the way they think - no.  Given that MLK Day is right around the corner, I have to think like he would have.  How do I make a difference and show the world that not all people are bad?  How do I get them to see that their is a benefit to accepting people for who they are, the financial blessing that they are and that all people have redeeming qualities?

So, after a long hard thought process, I made a trip back to the establishment.  I met the owner and explained what happened.  Of course he apologized profusely and offered up a free dinner for two.  I promised him that I would return and see if there is any difference.  The cynical part of me thought in a different light.  I called a friend of mine who is a writer for the local paper.  I asked him to go in there on the weekend at dinner time and to take his wife with him.  I am going to ask some of my other friends to go on the same night and see what happens.  Why?  Because injustice is no justice at all.  When you run a business, you treat all customers the same.  Their skin might be different, but the last time I checked - money was still green.

I am the last person to look at someone because of their skin color, and the last one to use the race card.  I only go there when I am blatantly being treated different because of it.  You can only ignore me for a little while and then it's on and popping.

My eyes are not what they used to be and my mind isn't as sharp as it was two years ago, but my heart knows when something is not right.  You will never hear me refer to anyone by their race.  I will never put down and entire race for the ignorance of a few.  I take all people at face value until you give me a reason not to believe who YOU are - not the entire race.  Madea put it best when she quoted Maya Angelou - if people show you who they are - believe them!!!!!