Tired

There are days when you find yourself at a crossroads in life.  This songs speaks volumes about that intersection of life.

It's a song of despair.  It informs there listener that they are missing something very real, deep, important and desperate about the singer.  Look at his face and see the genuine place of loneliness, frustration, depression, being misunderstood, that place of putting on face to save face.

If the Bible says that we are to bear one another's burdens, why does the church struggle with it?  Enough of telling me that you will "pray for me"  You know, as well as I do, that you are not about to pray.  IF you are going to pray, let's stop right here, right now and do it.

I had a very good friend in Ricky Harris - God rest his soul.  Ricky didn't care where he was.  Prior to the birth our first child, we ran into him in the Trumbull Mall and informed his of the discouraging news that the OB/GYN had previously delivered.    When I tell that Ricky called down heaven in the middle of the mall, it would be an understatement.   You, see - Ricky was your friend outside of the church - chew on that for a minute righteous saints and aint's. 

I am not saying all "church" folk are the same.  But there comes a time when you get tired of pew warmers giving you the typical church answers when you speak to them.  Please don't get me wrong, I love Christians, but at the end of the day, I just want to talk to you man to man.  You need to realize that while we are straining to grow closer to the Lord, that we still live here on earth.  I can't deal with people who are so heavenly high, that they are no earthly good.

The last thing I want you to do, is quote another scripture to me and tell me to give it to God.  Yes , I do believe in God.  I know that I have no right to question him, but at the end of every single day, I have questions, concerns and thoughts that I need to have answers for. 

My health is taking a toll right now, and please don't tell me that the enemy is trying to take me down.  I have a free will which allows me to make choices about what goes into this one and only body that has been gifted to me.  So, there are times when I comfort myself without thinking, with the wrong kinds of foods.   The thoughts that I have, has caused a spike in my blood pressure. 

I can't turn 50 next year and be unpleased with myself.  Tired doesn't even begin to describe how I am really doing down on the inside.  My friend Jamal put plain to me one day.  I said I was confused about some things regarding church and Christianity.  He quickly let me know that I wasn't confused, but in fact, was trying to BS God.  He was right!!!  Dead right. 

As a people, we can't fool the Lord. You see, that is what a friend does.  He doesn't sugar coat truth, he lays out on the line and calls your mess to the front.  Reality can be mistress, an adulterer, a beast, a welcomed visitor who comes to stay, or an long overdue slap in the face that shocks you into seeing the light.

But when your heart and your heart are disconnected - you need that someone to step up, speak out and call you out.  Yes, my wife was saying these same things to me over the years.  As men, the last thing we want is to be corrected, instructed or even believe that our wives could have answers.  To us it might sound like nagging, or you hear it so much that you just tune it out.  When we are honest with ourselves, she is the best friend we have

There are some things that ONLY another man will understand, and you need that brother to listen and bounce ideas, thoughts, and one who lets you vent..  When we renewed our vows for our 25th anniversary, I looked very hard for the brothers I chose.  I had 6 in mind, but only 4 could participate.  One of the others was going to be out of town and the other's wife had surgery.  I know that I can call of these men, be myself and know that they have my back.  Time, distance and space does not alter our relationship.

Tired is the sign in the middle of the street at this 4 way intersection.  Straight ahead leads to hope.  Taking a right turn leads to more of the same.  Taking a left takes me down a road of self destruction.  Behind me is the past and I DON"T want to relive so much of it.  The past had enough troubles to make most men cave in, tuck their tails between their legs and run.

I guess I better stay straight and hope for the best.  God knows I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Whitney Houston - Try It On My Own

I will explain this post very soon.  The lyrics are all to real for me right now.

Let It Go

No, this is not like the movie Frozen and someone singing the same refrain over and over with a bunch of little girls dressed like Elsa.  The let it go that I'm talking about is, the past.

After watching Iyanla Fix My Life, I've come to the realization that there are some very real pains that need to be acknowledged and set free. Just when you think that you've let go, something comes along to remind you that you are still holding on to the past.

Looking back over my life I see that I must start with my family from my early childhood.  I think about my birth mom, and all of sudden the reality of her issues, and that I am upset and angry with her for leaving my and my siblings at such a young age.  She was only 27 when she passed away.  If you know anything about the "black family", you know this.  "What happens in this house, stays in this house"  That wasn't a suggestion growing up, it was an edict that was followed to the letter as if it was the law of the land.

However.  We tend to repeat the past because we never talk things over so that the healing can begin.  Regardless of how you feel about what I am about to say, it bears saying.  My mom had her issues, her pains, the relationships, her children, her weaknesses.  With all of that, I just came to know that I was angry with her.  She had times of being selfish - when she drank, didn't take care of herself, and wasn't always available to her children.  But, she was my mom and I loved her.  The scent of the Sweet Honesty perfume from Avon as she passes by, still captures my heart.  I hold the one bottle that was given to me so that I can remember her.  As much as I love you mom, these 44 years later, I have to let go of the hurt and hold the memories of your love for me.

All of the pastors who have hurt, lied and abused me and my family.  Because of you, I thought that all pastor's had motives and their own agenda with no heartfelt concern for the congregation.  I have learned that is not so.  You see, I have a sister who is a pastor and she is the real deal.  I have a friend who pastor's a church and he puts the needs of his flock, ahead of his own. The church that I currently attend is a pure demonstration of God's love for His people.  So, I let it go.  The thought that I am going to be taken advantage of by "man"  Maybe my heart was in the wrong place at the time, and not fully invested in the Lord.  I am now committed to Him before any "pastor" can get into my heart, soul or mind.

My aunt and uncle that raised me.  I let it go.  Being called a liar when I told you about being raped as a newspaper delivery boy. The pain that I felt for months after being torn open at the age of 13 by a full grown man, with a man's appendage that looked larger than life.  For the blood that ran down my legs and the inability to sit in a chair comfortably - I now let it go.  For feeling abandoned, rejected, unprotected, and unsafe in the place called home  I now let it go.  For being told that I was nothing, would never be anything and that I was worthless - I let it go here and now.  For putting on an act of happiness when I was miserable on the inside - I let it go.  For hosing my sister down in the front yard with a cold water forceful hose, and for me taking her place while cars drove by - I let it go. For being locked in the closet for hours at a time with your shot gun, and for being locked in my room indefinitely - I have to let it go.

Of all of the things that I deal with, my friendships are the one areas that need to re-evaluated.  It's time to let go of some people.