People, especially children, will follow and trust those who love them (or show them acceptance) the most. They are more likely to trust people who shoe them a false sense of interest and love. If we as fathers take a little time to invest time and truth into our children, they will more than likely allow you to have the key to their hearts.
We have to deliver the truth in love, with respect in a heart to heart relationship with them. I have finally learned that I can lead with my heart, I have to allow God to lead me, and while I follow Him, I will have the same unconditional love for my children that He has for me. My heart is a funny thing. I am still human and I can change feelings at anytime.
Often you hear people say " I love you, but I am not in love with you " Their love is conditional. When I tell my son and daughters that I love them - I say it from a place of unconditional love. There isn't anything I wouldn't do (legally) to provide for their needs and get some of their wants. I want them to feel protected and secure, and that my word is my word. I want them to know that I can apologize to them when I am wrong. They need to know that sometimes, dad gets broken when I cry out to God on their behalf.
If I don't model for them what a father is, they won't give me their hearts. The last thing I want to see is my children walk away from the Christian life that we have established. If they do walk away, it's my fault. I am the head of my house and it my responsibility to make sure that as the head, the rest of the body goes the same direction. If they get off course, I have to get them back. If I come across as weak and passive, they can't trust me to guide them. However, if I show them in love what they should be doing, that trust can be restored and I can regain their hearts.
This hold especially true for my daughters. The way I treat their mother is setting the stage for what they will allow a man to establish for them in marriage. I want my girls to see a scene of two parents who work things out by talking. I want them to see that I can hug and kiss mom, tell her that I love her and mean it. I want them to never settle for less than the model I was for them, but to strive for equal or better. I want to see that I am not just love to be happy, but that I am happily in love with the woman I promised to give my life to for the rest of my life.
Sometimes regaining the hearts of your children is hard, especially if you aren't living together. Your time is the best gift you can give a child who isn't in the home. The still need/require your presence. They need to see you on a regular basis and hear your voice speaking wisdom into their lives. Children who grow up without dad in their lives are more likely to repeat the same issues they experienced. They don't know how to teach their sons to be men, and their daughters have no real sense of value or self worth because we weren't there to tell her how much she is loved.
If you want to regain the hearts of children, give yours to God. Allow Him to show you yourself, and accept that you are flesh and blood and that you don't have all of the answers. I know I can't do this fathering by myself, nor do I intend to try it alone. I turn to God and ask for guidance. Trust me, over this past week - I have come to a place in my life that I REALLY need a Word from the Lord. When my own kids are disrespectful, rude, outspoken or any other thing that makes me think they aren't the kids I raised - I ask God, where did I fall short. How did I allow this mess to happen? Did I miss something? What did I forget to do with them?
Not that I am being hard on myself, I just want to be the best father that God can allow. If King David - a man after God's own heart got it wrong; if Sampson - the strongest man got it wrong; if Salomon - the wisest of all rulers got it wrong; what makes me think I have it all together? I can hear someone saying - you have the Holy Spirit and I do. They had direct access to the Father and still fell short. Not until they each surrendered did they finally get it together.
So Lord, I surrender all of myself (mind, body and soul) to You. I want to keep the hearts of my children. If I slip and fall, please help me to regain their hearts. Help me to ask for forgiveness and to wipe the slate clean. Help me not to be a harsh father who doesn't give them a chance to speak, but that I would hear with listening ears.
Dad's we have to get this fathering right. I am going to plan a formal ball here in my local town called "Date With Dad" Every girl will have to say one great thing their dad did for them, that they will never forget. We are going to regain their hearts - one by one.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Step Up
I am in the process of reading the book "Resolution." It follows the movie Courageous. I am at a point in the book where the author is defining what a man is, and when did you know you were a man. He asks some questions, such as: was it the first time you had sex, was it when your dad told you that you were, was it the you were able to vote for the first time, was it when you got your first job.
He(the author) pointed to several scriptures that showed that you became a man at 20 years old according to how the Lord spoke. He gave the following definition of a man. A man is an adult male who accepts his masculinity, speaks and acts with maturity, embraces responsibility, functions independently, can lead a family faithfully, and recognizes his accountability as an image bearer of God.
He pointed out that the reason we have so many boys in men's bodies is because we have stopped teaching them how to be men while they were young. We have made their years of middle/high school more focused on the things of life that don't really matter. Our government says they are adults between 18-21, yet we do not prepare them to step out on their own and support themselves. We don't teach them fiscal responsibility, how to manage a household, we don't model the role of a husband and father, and then get frustrated when they continually fail in life situations.
When I read those seven attributes that he pointed out, I did an inward inventory of myself. My first thought was never - who do I know that is lacking any of them, rather it became - what am I missing? Where do I fall short and where do I think too highly of myself.
The goal here if for me to get on a level playing/praying ground and unconditionally commit to being all that the Lord wants me to be as a man, husband and father. I have a friend - let's call him Adam. Adam is a man of great character, morally strong, he is loads of fun to be around, his wife and kids love him - not your average guy. He loves his family so much that he dropped so much weight, I almost walked by him one day. He is liked in the community, well connected, a man's man.
Whenever I see Adam (and it's not too often) I say to myself - there goes a man that has it all together. I don't know the minor details of home life, and I don't need to. I just know from his walk, that he takes things seriously when needed, can have a laugh anytime, and loves life. I see these attributes in him that the author speaks about. Adam is the same all of the time - unmoved in his faith. Yes, he goes through some things, but for the most part - he is rooted and grounded.
Several of my male friends (and I have few) can hold me accountable. I only allow a handful of men to speak into my life and tell me exactly where I fall short. Why, because I know they really have my best interest at heart. I know that they are men who walk in confidence in the Lord. They aren't expecting anything from me in return. They aren't selfish with their advise, correction, encouragement or brotherly love for me. Each one of them will give me what I need and not what I want. I have been blessed to have the men in my life that are there.
So, it's time for men to step up. It's time for me to step up. When I am tired after a 12 hour shift in nursing and my son wants to play catch with the football - step up, he is only young once. Time to be the role model our sons need. Time to model a good husband so our daughters are found by a great husband. Time to step up and give the family what it needs. Time to step up and be the spiritual leader that your household needs. Time to step up and pray for them and with them. We need to take the time to plan a regular date night with the wife and a separate one for our daughters. Reaffirm and validate our daughters everyday. Teach your son how to be a man and stop telling him real men don't cry.
When life gets hard, you better cry out to God and surrender your heart. Come on fathers and husbands. Come on single men in relationships. Come on men who have left your children. Come on men who still have boys stuck in their body allowing video games, cars and "things" take precedence in your life. Don't just stand up, STEP UP!!!! And when you do, God can begin something great in you.
He(the author) pointed to several scriptures that showed that you became a man at 20 years old according to how the Lord spoke. He gave the following definition of a man. A man is an adult male who accepts his masculinity, speaks and acts with maturity, embraces responsibility, functions independently, can lead a family faithfully, and recognizes his accountability as an image bearer of God.
He pointed out that the reason we have so many boys in men's bodies is because we have stopped teaching them how to be men while they were young. We have made their years of middle/high school more focused on the things of life that don't really matter. Our government says they are adults between 18-21, yet we do not prepare them to step out on their own and support themselves. We don't teach them fiscal responsibility, how to manage a household, we don't model the role of a husband and father, and then get frustrated when they continually fail in life situations.
When I read those seven attributes that he pointed out, I did an inward inventory of myself. My first thought was never - who do I know that is lacking any of them, rather it became - what am I missing? Where do I fall short and where do I think too highly of myself.
The goal here if for me to get on a level playing/praying ground and unconditionally commit to being all that the Lord wants me to be as a man, husband and father. I have a friend - let's call him Adam. Adam is a man of great character, morally strong, he is loads of fun to be around, his wife and kids love him - not your average guy. He loves his family so much that he dropped so much weight, I almost walked by him one day. He is liked in the community, well connected, a man's man.
Whenever I see Adam (and it's not too often) I say to myself - there goes a man that has it all together. I don't know the minor details of home life, and I don't need to. I just know from his walk, that he takes things seriously when needed, can have a laugh anytime, and loves life. I see these attributes in him that the author speaks about. Adam is the same all of the time - unmoved in his faith. Yes, he goes through some things, but for the most part - he is rooted and grounded.
Several of my male friends (and I have few) can hold me accountable. I only allow a handful of men to speak into my life and tell me exactly where I fall short. Why, because I know they really have my best interest at heart. I know that they are men who walk in confidence in the Lord. They aren't expecting anything from me in return. They aren't selfish with their advise, correction, encouragement or brotherly love for me. Each one of them will give me what I need and not what I want. I have been blessed to have the men in my life that are there.
So, it's time for men to step up. It's time for me to step up. When I am tired after a 12 hour shift in nursing and my son wants to play catch with the football - step up, he is only young once. Time to be the role model our sons need. Time to model a good husband so our daughters are found by a great husband. Time to step up and give the family what it needs. Time to step up and be the spiritual leader that your household needs. Time to step up and pray for them and with them. We need to take the time to plan a regular date night with the wife and a separate one for our daughters. Reaffirm and validate our daughters everyday. Teach your son how to be a man and stop telling him real men don't cry.
When life gets hard, you better cry out to God and surrender your heart. Come on fathers and husbands. Come on single men in relationships. Come on men who have left your children. Come on men who still have boys stuck in their body allowing video games, cars and "things" take precedence in your life. Don't just stand up, STEP UP!!!! And when you do, God can begin something great in you.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Restore Children
Malachi 4:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
6 And he will turn
The hearts of the fathers to the children,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers,
The hearts of the fathers to the children,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers,
This was the scripture that came to mind after listening to a mom pour out her heart regarding her child who walked away from their relationship with the Lord. I sat and listened as she explained how her daughter survived a car accident in which the child was thrown 60 feet from the car. The child was in a coma for several months and when she came out, she(the child) explained that she was talking with the Lord and He told her it was time to go home to your parents.
To make a long story short - the child had a great relationship with God. She read her bible every day, prayed every day, told people about her encounter with the Lord while she was in the coma, and how much she loved the Lord. Unfortunately, the child was later diagnosed with MS and walked away from her home, her relationship with the Lord and everyone she knew.
The mom sat there and cried for a few minutes before I said anything to her. She kept saying that it was her fault. That she did something in the past and now her household is under a curse. She couldn't think of what "caused" this to happen and why God would do this to her child.
It took some time for her to understand that God didn't do it, He only allowed it to happen. The bigger concern for me wasn't that the child was sick, but that their relationship was sick. Now, you know that I am not in the healthiest of relationships with my own father, but I am still a minister at the end of the day. So, I wanted to know what was your part in the child seemingly walking away from God. What was her role in training up the child so that when the child was old enough to make her own decisions, she would stay in Christ?
As a father, I know I don't always get it right, so I know others must fall short sometimes as well. It finally came out. She was the child's friend instead of the mother that the child needed. Instead of nurturing and parenting, she showered the child with gifts because of her past issues after the car accident and MS.
The child didn't need to bought with "things", she needed her parents. Parents who were willing to make some tough decisions that required them to say "no, you don't need that." With all of that, I encouraged her to give her child (now adult) to the Lord. To go to the alter of God in her heart, confess her failings, rejoice in her triumphs, and leave the child right there.
Stories like this woman only fuel me to want to be a better father. I have said this before - I never go to my friends who have children the same age as mine for advise, I go to grandparents who have walked where I've not been.
So what does this have to do with the scripture at the top? As people, we need to take the time to sit and ask for clarity of God's Word. It's time to make our homes healthy. Get your child from in front of the TV, the video game, turn off the stereo and take some time to talk to them. Get to know their dreams, desire and goals. Find out what excites them in current events - find out if they even know what a current event is. Take a real interest in their school work and school events. Celebrate them while you model good character, morals and values. STOP buying them every little thing that they want(unless it's educational) - :things are band aids for time spent with you.
The children of today live with a sense of entitlement that we as parents have allowed to permeate and rule our homes. Just take a moment and listen to the conversations around you the next time you shop. See who is really in control.
My son came to me one day asking to toss the football. I was exhausted from yard word, my job, scouts and several other things, but I took some time to give him what he needed - time with me. I father him to the best of my ability while pouring love on him. He says I am his best friend, I say thank you letting him know that I am still DAD FIRST.
And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers,
Friday, May 4, 2012
Restoring With Father
Where has the time gone? I have spent the past few months taking the time that is needed to make sure that I have restored my relationship with my father - FOR REAL. We hit some bumps in the road and went around a few curves, but it seems like we are finding the open highway of communication.
For the first time, I am not dreading the thought of picking up the phone and calling him. I have not yet figured out what to call him. To be brutally honest, saying dad doesn't taste too good coming out of my mouth right now. I am still a work in progress and we are working toward that title. I believe that is earned over time as the love develops. I look forward to calling him now. I refuse to use the fact that he wasn't around as an excuse for anymore shortcomings in my own life. While I do admit I needed him there to guide me and model what a man is, I am still a good man who is striving to the be best husband and father that I can be - with the help of the Lord.
I can not look back on all of the generations of men in family who were not there for their children and the women they had the children with. The Lord has given me the ability to break the cycle and the chains. It is up to me to put a stop to the men not being committed when they make a promise. It's up to me to say, demonstrate and know in my heart, that the Lord is going to provide the necessary tools I need. It's up to me to make my father proud of who I've become.
Most of all, I want the Lord to look at me and say "well done, my good and faithful servant" It's up to me, to set up a legacy for my children to follow and the many generations that will come after me. I need to share with all of my male family members who they are to their children. To tell them that they need to put on their big boy boxers, grow up and be a man in mind and not just body.
I now find myself praying for him whenever I think about him. I do my best to now call him once a week and ask those questions about family history, his health, about his relationship with my mom and how things are going with his other children.
I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't honoring him the way God wanted me to. I can't expect my children to show me the love I want from them, and not demonstrate it for them. I let them hear me talking to him, laughing with him and at him.
All of this came about after I watched the movie Courageous for the third time. I began to see myself more and more clearly in each of the characters. I didn't end up in a literal jail, but I had imprisoned myself in pity, anger, bitterness and hatred for a man I really didn't know. It was crystal clear to me that I needed to get out of the cell that I locked myself into unjustly. God wasn't happy and neither was I.
Since watching that movie, I made my own "resolution" that I need to share with my family. Right now, I am in the process of gathering everything I need to have my own ceremony with them. I have a great friend in White Plains, NY who designed a ring that is a crown of thorns for his ministry - Married To The King. He gave me one of the rings and now I want one for each of my family members so that - together we can say with all confidence "as for me and my house - we will serve the Lord"
For the first time, I am not dreading the thought of picking up the phone and calling him. I have not yet figured out what to call him. To be brutally honest, saying dad doesn't taste too good coming out of my mouth right now. I am still a work in progress and we are working toward that title. I believe that is earned over time as the love develops. I look forward to calling him now. I refuse to use the fact that he wasn't around as an excuse for anymore shortcomings in my own life. While I do admit I needed him there to guide me and model what a man is, I am still a good man who is striving to the be best husband and father that I can be - with the help of the Lord.
I can not look back on all of the generations of men in family who were not there for their children and the women they had the children with. The Lord has given me the ability to break the cycle and the chains. It is up to me to put a stop to the men not being committed when they make a promise. It's up to me to say, demonstrate and know in my heart, that the Lord is going to provide the necessary tools I need. It's up to me to make my father proud of who I've become.
Most of all, I want the Lord to look at me and say "well done, my good and faithful servant" It's up to me, to set up a legacy for my children to follow and the many generations that will come after me. I need to share with all of my male family members who they are to their children. To tell them that they need to put on their big boy boxers, grow up and be a man in mind and not just body.
I now find myself praying for him whenever I think about him. I do my best to now call him once a week and ask those questions about family history, his health, about his relationship with my mom and how things are going with his other children.
I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't honoring him the way God wanted me to. I can't expect my children to show me the love I want from them, and not demonstrate it for them. I let them hear me talking to him, laughing with him and at him.
All of this came about after I watched the movie Courageous for the third time. I began to see myself more and more clearly in each of the characters. I didn't end up in a literal jail, but I had imprisoned myself in pity, anger, bitterness and hatred for a man I really didn't know. It was crystal clear to me that I needed to get out of the cell that I locked myself into unjustly. God wasn't happy and neither was I.
Since watching that movie, I made my own "resolution" that I need to share with my family. Right now, I am in the process of gathering everything I need to have my own ceremony with them. I have a great friend in White Plains, NY who designed a ring that is a crown of thorns for his ministry - Married To The King. He gave me one of the rings and now I want one for each of my family members so that - together we can say with all confidence "as for me and my house - we will serve the Lord"
Friday, January 6, 2012
What Happened To Making A Dollar Stretch
I've finally found a job after 3.5 years. First, I give the glory and honor to God for holding my family in His hands during all of this time. Not once did I doubt Him during this time. Yes, I had a lot of questions for Him and He answered every single one of them.
He made sure we had all that we needed - food, shelter and clothing!!!! I am grateful that I have learned to be content in plenty and in "want." Most of all - I am so happy that I am not a label hog like so many people. I don't have to wear some designers label plastered across my back or my behind. I can wear a pair of jeans from WalMart just as well as I can from Tommy Hilfiger and you would never know the difference.
I am straying away. I have a job now that has nothing to do with accounting. Trust me, I enjoyed the money I made over the 22 years, but I am not making half of what I did when I left accounting. I have to be creative in my budgeting and that's where the accounting comes into play. I make every dollar count. If there is a sale at the grocery store - I make it count with coupons.
You really need to watch those extreme coupon shows. I am learning slowly how to make it work for me. Example: the local grocer had canned ravioli on sale 10 for $10. I used 10 coupons for 50cents each. The coupons were doubled and I got all the ravioli for free. They also have a meal deal where you pay for one thing and the rest of the meal is free. I used coupons on the free stuff and got money back.
I know it sounds like a lot of work, and it is. But, when you have a household of 6 to feed, it's worth the time and effort to feed them as nutritionally as possible, for the least amount of money. Even though I can't stand canned ravioli.
I run around my house turning off lights to save on the light bill. I turn down the heat and put on layers to save on the gas bill. Thank God NC has been averaging 50-60 degrees. I make meals that stretch so that we can have it for 2 days. I use my rewards card at Kmart so that I get money credits towards my next purchase and my rewards card at the grocer to save on gas.
I started Christmas and Kwanzaa shopping in September, and yes I used the lay a way option at any store that would let me. I made my payments on time so I wouldn't pay a late fee or restocking fee.
In this economy you have to be creative. If you know something that works - hook me up to it. I barely make enough to make ends meet.
He made sure we had all that we needed - food, shelter and clothing!!!! I am grateful that I have learned to be content in plenty and in "want." Most of all - I am so happy that I am not a label hog like so many people. I don't have to wear some designers label plastered across my back or my behind. I can wear a pair of jeans from WalMart just as well as I can from Tommy Hilfiger and you would never know the difference.
I am straying away. I have a job now that has nothing to do with accounting. Trust me, I enjoyed the money I made over the 22 years, but I am not making half of what I did when I left accounting. I have to be creative in my budgeting and that's where the accounting comes into play. I make every dollar count. If there is a sale at the grocery store - I make it count with coupons.
You really need to watch those extreme coupon shows. I am learning slowly how to make it work for me. Example: the local grocer had canned ravioli on sale 10 for $10. I used 10 coupons for 50cents each. The coupons were doubled and I got all the ravioli for free. They also have a meal deal where you pay for one thing and the rest of the meal is free. I used coupons on the free stuff and got money back.
I know it sounds like a lot of work, and it is. But, when you have a household of 6 to feed, it's worth the time and effort to feed them as nutritionally as possible, for the least amount of money. Even though I can't stand canned ravioli.
I run around my house turning off lights to save on the light bill. I turn down the heat and put on layers to save on the gas bill. Thank God NC has been averaging 50-60 degrees. I make meals that stretch so that we can have it for 2 days. I use my rewards card at Kmart so that I get money credits towards my next purchase and my rewards card at the grocer to save on gas.
I started Christmas and Kwanzaa shopping in September, and yes I used the lay a way option at any store that would let me. I made my payments on time so I wouldn't pay a late fee or restocking fee.
In this economy you have to be creative. If you know something that works - hook me up to it. I barely make enough to make ends meet.
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