Monday, February 10, 2020
Sunday, November 3, 2019
The Test Is ALWAYS From Within
It's been a very long time since I've blogged. I have been so preoccupied with trying to survive this thing called life and keep my head above water. There are days when treading is all I can do to stay alive.
These past several years have been the most difficult of my life, and these past few weeks have been the absolute worst of my life. I thought that losing my mom when I was five was the end of life - not so. I thought that losing my brother was the worst thing in life - not so. I thought that my best friend in the world, my sister, she died - that that was the worst thing in life - not so.
You what is the worst thing in life? You spend your life in a marriage that you chose to enter knowing that you weren't ready for it. It's when you have children who turn against you for no real reason. It's feeling lonely in a house full of people and it's you against the world. It's being misunderstood, disrespected, shown no honor, and talked to like you are acquaintances instead of a father. It's the knowing that you walk around on egg shells because you are tired of being corrected and told what the correct answer is, how to say something and what you should have said. It's going to counseling sessions when you know in your heart that it's a done deal. It's when your child overhears a conversation and tells you wife and then lies about it to you, because they overheard your call. Only to later discover you were talking to a male friend about issues and you tell him that you love him for being there for you - like a brother. It's being asked to step aside from the things that you have a passion for until "you resolve your issues" It's having other men tell you that it's going to be alright when they really don't have a clue because they can't be the support system that you need. Yes, even at church. It's going to work each and every day doing the best that you can while you watch those around you break policy, procedure and the process. It's giving people another chance, when you should be giving them to Jesus AGAIN.
I might get a lot of backlash for saying this but you know me, so here it goes. In marriages, the greatest deception is "happy wife, happy life" when it should be "happy spouse, happy house" I say that because we are so conditioned by the world standards to be the spouse to make the vast majority of the compromises. Why are we allowing ourselves to be emasculated and reduced in who God has called us to be. Yes, there is a place for the wife in the marriage. God called you to be the head, so take off the skirt and give it back to her. If we are going to work this together, then let go of your strong will and your drive to change men into what you want them to be, sound like and look like. He is no longer a man, but a puppet on string, and you know exactly what to say, what his triggers are, and how to get an end to your means.
These past several years have been the most difficult of my life, and these past few weeks have been the absolute worst of my life. I thought that losing my mom when I was five was the end of life - not so. I thought that losing my brother was the worst thing in life - not so. I thought that my best friend in the world, my sister, she died - that that was the worst thing in life - not so.
You what is the worst thing in life? You spend your life in a marriage that you chose to enter knowing that you weren't ready for it. It's when you have children who turn against you for no real reason. It's feeling lonely in a house full of people and it's you against the world. It's being misunderstood, disrespected, shown no honor, and talked to like you are acquaintances instead of a father. It's the knowing that you walk around on egg shells because you are tired of being corrected and told what the correct answer is, how to say something and what you should have said. It's going to counseling sessions when you know in your heart that it's a done deal. It's when your child overhears a conversation and tells you wife and then lies about it to you, because they overheard your call. Only to later discover you were talking to a male friend about issues and you tell him that you love him for being there for you - like a brother. It's being asked to step aside from the things that you have a passion for until "you resolve your issues" It's having other men tell you that it's going to be alright when they really don't have a clue because they can't be the support system that you need. Yes, even at church. It's going to work each and every day doing the best that you can while you watch those around you break policy, procedure and the process. It's giving people another chance, when you should be giving them to Jesus AGAIN.
I might get a lot of backlash for saying this but you know me, so here it goes. In marriages, the greatest deception is "happy wife, happy life" when it should be "happy spouse, happy house" I say that because we are so conditioned by the world standards to be the spouse to make the vast majority of the compromises. Why are we allowing ourselves to be emasculated and reduced in who God has called us to be. Yes, there is a place for the wife in the marriage. God called you to be the head, so take off the skirt and give it back to her. If we are going to work this together, then let go of your strong will and your drive to change men into what you want them to be, sound like and look like. He is no longer a man, but a puppet on string, and you know exactly what to say, what his triggers are, and how to get an end to your means.
Recently, I was with a group of men and the things that they are challenged with at home, had my head spinning. It's no wonder the Christian households are falling apart. The norm used to be to argue about money, sex, and the kids. Now it's things from how to sit, what you should have said, how you should have said it, I'm right and you are going to change, taking the blame for everything, and on and on and on. We are allowing ourselves to be deceived and manipulated just to stay out of an argument that we just can't win.
Children have discovered how to use these tools very early in life and how to play one parent against the other. They have mastered the art of deception and manipulation and when they can't figure it out, their friends tell them what to do, to get what they want.
We go to work and both (deception and manipulation) get right in the car with us. We know how to tell half truths so that we don't have to deal with the discipline policy. We go on Facebook and are even bold enough to post things when we should be working because we don't have the right work ethic. We play on the sympathy of others so that we can convince them that our home situation is causing our work issues to manifest themselves.
I was recently asked, "why to do you go to church, prayer meeting, bible study and participate/serve" What I want to say is, "to keep my sanity to that I don't hurt you" The truth is, I have hope and faith. It's because of God's grace and mercy that I have not lost my mind and for the most part, my self control. There are days that I want to rip a head off, yell down a neck and reduce someone to a very fine powder. BUT GOD!!! He keeps me from doing what I the things that I am tempted to do. So, deceive and manipulate me once - shame on you. Try it twice and we are going to need a come to Jesus meeting.
Monday, October 17, 2016
What Now?
What now? It's a question that people ask themselves and others on a daily basis.
So why am I asking, what now? The cancer is back and I am not very verbal about it. The doctors told us that it would come back. But, who expected it to come back so quickly?
We removed the cancer in the left kidney in January and here we find ourselves right back at square one. It is very trying to your spirit when you face these trials over and over again. I get tired of questioning God. I don't want to pray anymore. I don't want to read my bible, and I don't want anybody else to walk up to me and say the church words "Give it God"
My relationship with God is not what it used to be. I feel like my prayers are in vain and that they are like a superball. They hit the ceiling and floor and continuously bounce with no end in sight. Yes, I still believe in God, and yes I know the devil is real as well. What I want you to understand is that I am a human all day, everyday.
How I feel right now is hopeless and helpless. I can hear you now, "God didn't give you those things to carry around" Well, when you walk in my shoes and carry my load - then we can talk. You have no idea how hard it is to watch the woman that you love, be in pain every single day. You don't know what it feels like to think you are no help to her. To know that you want to comfort her and love her, and be an encouragement to her- and have no clue where to start. Even though she tells me what she needs from me, I am too emotionally drained to give her what she needs, more of me.
Having two kids in college, one in high school and one at home, has it's rewards. So what do I do? Where do I start? How to I move on with being the man and husband that she needs? How do I father my grown children and my young son? I'll tell you, I just do the best I can with the resources that I have available to me. What now? I just wish I had a model of a man to follow and glean from.
What now? Please tell me, because my heart aches for enlightenment.
So why am I asking, what now? The cancer is back and I am not very verbal about it. The doctors told us that it would come back. But, who expected it to come back so quickly?
We removed the cancer in the left kidney in January and here we find ourselves right back at square one. It is very trying to your spirit when you face these trials over and over again. I get tired of questioning God. I don't want to pray anymore. I don't want to read my bible, and I don't want anybody else to walk up to me and say the church words "Give it God"
My relationship with God is not what it used to be. I feel like my prayers are in vain and that they are like a superball. They hit the ceiling and floor and continuously bounce with no end in sight. Yes, I still believe in God, and yes I know the devil is real as well. What I want you to understand is that I am a human all day, everyday.
How I feel right now is hopeless and helpless. I can hear you now, "God didn't give you those things to carry around" Well, when you walk in my shoes and carry my load - then we can talk. You have no idea how hard it is to watch the woman that you love, be in pain every single day. You don't know what it feels like to think you are no help to her. To know that you want to comfort her and love her, and be an encouragement to her- and have no clue where to start. Even though she tells me what she needs from me, I am too emotionally drained to give her what she needs, more of me.
Having two kids in college, one in high school and one at home, has it's rewards. So what do I do? Where do I start? How to I move on with being the man and husband that she needs? How do I father my grown children and my young son? I'll tell you, I just do the best I can with the resources that I have available to me. What now? I just wish I had a model of a man to follow and glean from.
What now? Please tell me, because my heart aches for enlightenment.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Tired
There are days when you find yourself at a crossroads in life. This songs speaks volumes about that intersection of life.
It's a song of despair. It informs there listener that they are missing something very real, deep, important and desperate about the singer. Look at his face and see the genuine place of loneliness, frustration, depression, being misunderstood, that place of putting on face to save face.
If the Bible says that we are to bear one another's burdens, why does the church struggle with it? Enough of telling me that you will "pray for me" You know, as well as I do, that you are not about to pray. IF you are going to pray, let's stop right here, right now and do it.
I had a very good friend in Ricky Harris - God rest his soul. Ricky didn't care where he was. Prior to the birth our first child, we ran into him in the Trumbull Mall and informed his of the discouraging news that the OB/GYN had previously delivered. When I tell that Ricky called down heaven in the middle of the mall, it would be an understatement. You, see - Ricky was your friend outside of the church - chew on that for a minute righteous saints and aint's.
I am not saying all "church" folk are the same. But there comes a time when you get tired of pew warmers giving you the typical church answers when you speak to them. Please don't get me wrong, I love Christians, but at the end of the day, I just want to talk to you man to man. You need to realize that while we are straining to grow closer to the Lord, that we still live here on earth. I can't deal with people who are so heavenly high, that they are no earthly good.
The last thing I want you to do, is quote another scripture to me and tell me to give it to God. Yes , I do believe in God. I know that I have no right to question him, but at the end of every single day, I have questions, concerns and thoughts that I need to have answers for.
My health is taking a toll right now, and please don't tell me that the enemy is trying to take me down. I have a free will which allows me to make choices about what goes into this one and only body that has been gifted to me. So, there are times when I comfort myself without thinking, with the wrong kinds of foods. The thoughts that I have, has caused a spike in my blood pressure.
I can't turn 50 next year and be unpleased with myself. Tired doesn't even begin to describe how I am really doing down on the inside. My friend Jamal put plain to me one day. I said I was confused about some things regarding church and Christianity. He quickly let me know that I wasn't confused, but in fact, was trying to BS God. He was right!!! Dead right.
As a people, we can't fool the Lord. You see, that is what a friend does. He doesn't sugar coat truth, he lays out on the line and calls your mess to the front. Reality can be mistress, an adulterer, a beast, a welcomed visitor who comes to stay, or an long overdue slap in the face that shocks you into seeing the light.
But when your heart and your heart are disconnected - you need that someone to step up, speak out and call you out. Yes, my wife was saying these same things to me over the years. As men, the last thing we want is to be corrected, instructed or even believe that our wives could have answers. To us it might sound like nagging, or you hear it so much that you just tune it out. When we are honest with ourselves, she is the best friend we have
There are some things that ONLY another man will understand, and you need that brother to listen and bounce ideas, thoughts, and one who lets you vent.. When we renewed our vows for our 25th anniversary, I looked very hard for the brothers I chose. I had 6 in mind, but only 4 could participate. One of the others was going to be out of town and the other's wife had surgery. I know that I can call of these men, be myself and know that they have my back. Time, distance and space does not alter our relationship.
Tired is the sign in the middle of the street at this 4 way intersection. Straight ahead leads to hope. Taking a right turn leads to more of the same. Taking a left takes me down a road of self destruction. Behind me is the past and I DON"T want to relive so much of it. The past had enough troubles to make most men cave in, tuck their tails between their legs and run.
I guess I better stay straight and hope for the best. God knows I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Whitney Houston - Try It On My Own
I will explain this post very soon. The lyrics are all to real for me right now.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Let It Go
No, this is not like the movie Frozen and someone singing the same refrain over and over with a bunch of little girls dressed like Elsa. The let it go that I'm talking about is, the past.
After watching Iyanla Fix My Life, I've come to the realization that there are some very real pains that need to be acknowledged and set free. Just when you think that you've let go, something comes along to remind you that you are still holding on to the past.
Looking back over my life I see that I must start with my family from my early childhood. I think about my birth mom, and all of sudden the reality of her issues, and that I am upset and angry with her for leaving my and my siblings at such a young age. She was only 27 when she passed away. If you know anything about the "black family", you know this. "What happens in this house, stays in this house" That wasn't a suggestion growing up, it was an edict that was followed to the letter as if it was the law of the land.
However. We tend to repeat the past because we never talk things over so that the healing can begin. Regardless of how you feel about what I am about to say, it bears saying. My mom had her issues, her pains, the relationships, her children, her weaknesses. With all of that, I just came to know that I was angry with her. She had times of being selfish - when she drank, didn't take care of herself, and wasn't always available to her children. But, she was my mom and I loved her. The scent of the Sweet Honesty perfume from Avon as she passes by, still captures my heart. I hold the one bottle that was given to me so that I can remember her. As much as I love you mom, these 44 years later, I have to let go of the hurt and hold the memories of your love for me.
All of the pastors who have hurt, lied and abused me and my family. Because of you, I thought that all pastor's had motives and their own agenda with no heartfelt concern for the congregation. I have learned that is not so. You see, I have a sister who is a pastor and she is the real deal. I have a friend who pastor's a church and he puts the needs of his flock, ahead of his own. The church that I currently attend is a pure demonstration of God's love for His people. So, I let it go. The thought that I am going to be taken advantage of by "man" Maybe my heart was in the wrong place at the time, and not fully invested in the Lord. I am now committed to Him before any "pastor" can get into my heart, soul or mind.
My aunt and uncle that raised me. I let it go. Being called a liar when I told you about being raped as a newspaper delivery boy. The pain that I felt for months after being torn open at the age of 13 by a full grown man, with a man's appendage that looked larger than life. For the blood that ran down my legs and the inability to sit in a chair comfortably - I now let it go. For feeling abandoned, rejected, unprotected, and unsafe in the place called home I now let it go. For being told that I was nothing, would never be anything and that I was worthless - I let it go here and now. For putting on an act of happiness when I was miserable on the inside - I let it go. For hosing my sister down in the front yard with a cold water forceful hose, and for me taking her place while cars drove by - I let it go. For being locked in the closet for hours at a time with your shot gun, and for being locked in my room indefinitely - I have to let it go.
Of all of the things that I deal with, my friendships are the one areas that need to re-evaluated. It's time to let go of some people.
After watching Iyanla Fix My Life, I've come to the realization that there are some very real pains that need to be acknowledged and set free. Just when you think that you've let go, something comes along to remind you that you are still holding on to the past.
Looking back over my life I see that I must start with my family from my early childhood. I think about my birth mom, and all of sudden the reality of her issues, and that I am upset and angry with her for leaving my and my siblings at such a young age. She was only 27 when she passed away. If you know anything about the "black family", you know this. "What happens in this house, stays in this house" That wasn't a suggestion growing up, it was an edict that was followed to the letter as if it was the law of the land.
However. We tend to repeat the past because we never talk things over so that the healing can begin. Regardless of how you feel about what I am about to say, it bears saying. My mom had her issues, her pains, the relationships, her children, her weaknesses. With all of that, I just came to know that I was angry with her. She had times of being selfish - when she drank, didn't take care of herself, and wasn't always available to her children. But, she was my mom and I loved her. The scent of the Sweet Honesty perfume from Avon as she passes by, still captures my heart. I hold the one bottle that was given to me so that I can remember her. As much as I love you mom, these 44 years later, I have to let go of the hurt and hold the memories of your love for me.
All of the pastors who have hurt, lied and abused me and my family. Because of you, I thought that all pastor's had motives and their own agenda with no heartfelt concern for the congregation. I have learned that is not so. You see, I have a sister who is a pastor and she is the real deal. I have a friend who pastor's a church and he puts the needs of his flock, ahead of his own. The church that I currently attend is a pure demonstration of God's love for His people. So, I let it go. The thought that I am going to be taken advantage of by "man" Maybe my heart was in the wrong place at the time, and not fully invested in the Lord. I am now committed to Him before any "pastor" can get into my heart, soul or mind.
My aunt and uncle that raised me. I let it go. Being called a liar when I told you about being raped as a newspaper delivery boy. The pain that I felt for months after being torn open at the age of 13 by a full grown man, with a man's appendage that looked larger than life. For the blood that ran down my legs and the inability to sit in a chair comfortably - I now let it go. For feeling abandoned, rejected, unprotected, and unsafe in the place called home I now let it go. For being told that I was nothing, would never be anything and that I was worthless - I let it go here and now. For putting on an act of happiness when I was miserable on the inside - I let it go. For hosing my sister down in the front yard with a cold water forceful hose, and for me taking her place while cars drove by - I let it go. For being locked in the closet for hours at a time with your shot gun, and for being locked in my room indefinitely - I have to let it go.
Of all of the things that I deal with, my friendships are the one areas that need to re-evaluated. It's time to let go of some people.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Keeping Face
How does one sit in the presence of their spouse and pretend that everything is good, so that you don't let them know just how concerned you are? Or, how afraid you are, but won't say it. You heard the same thing that the doctor said. You just hope that the anxiety of being in this medical facility will block the part of the brain that allows comprehension to take place.
Deep down inside your gut, there is a wrenching taking place that could take your very breathe away in an instant. The last thing you want to think about is another surgery, more complications, how soon to schedule surgery, or what this is going to do your home.
As most people know, my face tells the true story about how I feel. However, in the presence of my spouse, doctors, and other "professionals," I somehow manage to keep face. I show no emotion. I go deadpan in my countenance. I am as stoic as Lincoln sitting upon his chair in Washington's monument. Nothing can cause my face to change to so it's true self because I have learned over the past few years, to keep face when my wife is the main focus.
I ask a lot of questions to hold the muscles from reacting in my face. I get up and walk when I feel the twitches about to take control. I sing, and quite badly at times so that the off key voice will mask the cry of my heart. No matter what, I remain strong for her!
Recently, we received bad news about the cancer she is fighting. It sent her into a tailspin of emotions. As she spiraled out of control, falling from a 20,000 foot high of excited from earlier in the day, I watched as she began to descend. 18,000 feet - "what should we do?" 15,000 feet - "will we have surgery this year, or wait until January?" 11,000 feet - "the tears begin to flow" 8,000 feet - "I don't want to have surgery anymore, can it wait?" 5,000 feet - "Tony, I don't want to do this again, am I going to be alright?" Prepare for crash landing!!!! "Tony, why are you singing?" Place your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!!!! Full blown panic, oxygen masks drop, lights flashing and the air slide has deployed.
It's all I can do to reassure her that everything is going to be fine. I might have a hard time pushing through this landing but someone has to land this plane on the proverbial Hudson River. If it takes Captain Tony to keep face and make it right, I will. My feelings, emotions and fears can wait, I have to bring down this plane and make sure the first responders aren't needed at touchdown. So, as calmly as I know how, I held her hand, spoke softly to let her know that I was going to be by her side on the this journey.
Keeping face is no easy task. Especially when you wear your feelings on your sleeve. God allows me the fortitude and resilience to pull it together just when I need it most.
Tonight I find myself sitting in the dining room writing to release what I couldn't on my face at those critical moments. Keeping face is just as important in front of our children. They need dad to be courageous, strong and brave for them and their mom. They need to know that Captain Tony is going to do his absolute best to land all of the plane that they are. Keeping face graces me to be able to take the hard times I face with them. Keeping face let's our extended family know that I am doing the best that I have, with what I have.
A patient that I met said some very wise words today. "This battle is not mine to fight, it's God's. This is just my journey" How profound? All of these years as a Christian, and she made it so simple. You hear all of the time, but she made me realize that I was allowing it to be more complicated than it needed to be.
Keeping face. Not good all of the time, but when you have to use it - it's great/
Deep down inside your gut, there is a wrenching taking place that could take your very breathe away in an instant. The last thing you want to think about is another surgery, more complications, how soon to schedule surgery, or what this is going to do your home.
As most people know, my face tells the true story about how I feel. However, in the presence of my spouse, doctors, and other "professionals," I somehow manage to keep face. I show no emotion. I go deadpan in my countenance. I am as stoic as Lincoln sitting upon his chair in Washington's monument. Nothing can cause my face to change to so it's true self because I have learned over the past few years, to keep face when my wife is the main focus.
I ask a lot of questions to hold the muscles from reacting in my face. I get up and walk when I feel the twitches about to take control. I sing, and quite badly at times so that the off key voice will mask the cry of my heart. No matter what, I remain strong for her!
Recently, we received bad news about the cancer she is fighting. It sent her into a tailspin of emotions. As she spiraled out of control, falling from a 20,000 foot high of excited from earlier in the day, I watched as she began to descend. 18,000 feet - "what should we do?" 15,000 feet - "will we have surgery this year, or wait until January?" 11,000 feet - "the tears begin to flow" 8,000 feet - "I don't want to have surgery anymore, can it wait?" 5,000 feet - "Tony, I don't want to do this again, am I going to be alright?" Prepare for crash landing!!!! "Tony, why are you singing?" Place your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!!!! Full blown panic, oxygen masks drop, lights flashing and the air slide has deployed.
It's all I can do to reassure her that everything is going to be fine. I might have a hard time pushing through this landing but someone has to land this plane on the proverbial Hudson River. If it takes Captain Tony to keep face and make it right, I will. My feelings, emotions and fears can wait, I have to bring down this plane and make sure the first responders aren't needed at touchdown. So, as calmly as I know how, I held her hand, spoke softly to let her know that I was going to be by her side on the this journey.
Keeping face is no easy task. Especially when you wear your feelings on your sleeve. God allows me the fortitude and resilience to pull it together just when I need it most.
Tonight I find myself sitting in the dining room writing to release what I couldn't on my face at those critical moments. Keeping face is just as important in front of our children. They need dad to be courageous, strong and brave for them and their mom. They need to know that Captain Tony is going to do his absolute best to land all of the plane that they are. Keeping face graces me to be able to take the hard times I face with them. Keeping face let's our extended family know that I am doing the best that I have, with what I have.
A patient that I met said some very wise words today. "This battle is not mine to fight, it's God's. This is just my journey" How profound? All of these years as a Christian, and she made it so simple. You hear all of the time, but she made me realize that I was allowing it to be more complicated than it needed to be.
Keeping face. Not good all of the time, but when you have to use it - it's great/
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