What now? It's a question that people ask themselves and others on a daily basis.
So why am I asking, what now? The cancer is back and I am not very verbal about it. The doctors told us that it would come back. But, who expected it to come back so quickly?
We removed the cancer in the left kidney in January and here we find ourselves right back at square one. It is very trying to your spirit when you face these trials over and over again. I get tired of questioning God. I don't want to pray anymore. I don't want to read my bible, and I don't want anybody else to walk up to me and say the church words "Give it God"
My relationship with God is not what it used to be. I feel like my prayers are in vain and that they are like a superball. They hit the ceiling and floor and continuously bounce with no end in sight. Yes, I still believe in God, and yes I know the devil is real as well. What I want you to understand is that I am a human all day, everyday.
How I feel right now is hopeless and helpless. I can hear you now, "God didn't give you those things to carry around" Well, when you walk in my shoes and carry my load - then we can talk. You have no idea how hard it is to watch the woman that you love, be in pain every single day. You don't know what it feels like to think you are no help to her. To know that you want to comfort her and love her, and be an encouragement to her- and have no clue where to start. Even though she tells me what she needs from me, I am too emotionally drained to give her what she needs, more of me.
Having two kids in college, one in high school and one at home, has it's rewards. So what do I do? Where do I start? How to I move on with being the man and husband that she needs? How do I father my grown children and my young son? I'll tell you, I just do the best I can with the resources that I have available to me. What now? I just wish I had a model of a man to follow and glean from.
What now? Please tell me, because my heart aches for enlightenment.
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