Recently, a young man asked me how I stayed married for 21 years while his marriage of 3 years seems to be falling apart. Communication is the major key to any marriage being successful. You have to be honest without being hurtful when you disagree and it takes time to learn how to do that.
His biggest gripe is this. Whenever they argue, she points out all of his flaws and reminds him of his present and past failures, compares him to men in other marriages of their friends, is very condescending when she speaks to him, degrades him in front of their baby and proceeds to tell the how useless dad is, and the list goes on and on.
At the end of the argument, she expects an apology from him and for him to say why he is sorry. Sort of like you would treat your 2 year old. She never admits that she had anything to do with the problem, that she was upset over some trivial little item. Now, I said it wasn't easy.
When she realizes that she is what has happened and she has deflated her man, she wants to blame it on her "time of the month" Now ladies, please don't take this the wrong way but, YOU decide what comes out of your mouth, how it is presented and delivered. If you can keep it on a level field at work and nobody knows it's your "time" why do we as husbands have to suffer the brutal side effects of a verbal tongue lashing? I'm just saying.
This is not some Divorce Court drama that I'm talking about. This young lady has a very false sense of what a marriage is supposed to be like. She watches way too much TV and bases reality on fantasy. Life is not The Cosby Show or Daddy Knows Best. I really wish I could say this is some made up stuff, but I have been witness to the young man's 40 lashes by his wife. I have stepped in after he walked away totally embarrassed because of what he had to endure in front of his friends and family.
I wish I could say this young man was not doing his part but he is. He is getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby. He is the only financial support in the house. He does his best to take care of house and keeping it maintained. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry, the shopping and everything else it takes to run the house and yet - his best isn't good enough for her.
This has nothing to do with her having had a baby a year ago. She was like this prior to the baby. He had no idea what he was getting into when he married her. It's funny how people change after they say "I Do" The love and support that was there prior to the vows, seems to be a shackle placed on the 3rd finger of the let hand at the ceremony. What happens to the happiness that was shared when you were dating? Why did you change when the planning started? If you were so in love before, how did it all go so badly that you treat someone like dirt.
Again, I wish that I could say that there was something that wasn't being seen, but trust me, everything is in the wide open with her. He can't talk on the phone without her yelling for something in the background. Listen to this and hear my heart.
When you get married and the vows are spoken, you are supposed to remain faithful to the words you've spoken in front of the people and most importantly to the GOD!!! Being faithful to one another goes above and beyond adultery. You have to be faithful to your promise to each other and God. I really wish young couples would stop having someone read 1 Corin. 13 at their weddings until someone gives them a clear understanding of what LOVE is. Yes, it sounds good at the ceremony and everyone expects to hear it recited. But what's the point of reciting it, if you aren't going to apply to your life?
I was on the phone with this young man as he spoke through the tears and pain for over an hour. I love this man like he were my own brother. I believe in the union of marriage but I also believe in a peace of mind. If I can't go home and find some peace - I need to make a change. Sometimes it just doesn't work. The sad part is this, she brings her family into the marriage. They know all of the details of the finances, the mortgage issues, the problems with the house, the late bills, and even their sex lives or lack there of, and her family has no problem weighing in on the matters, calling and sending demoralizing texts, questioning his manhood, telling him that he isn't a real man or saying "a real man would...." - SHAME ON YOU!!!!!
That man is doing the best he knows how to, to take care of you and his child. Did I mention he is also raising a little girl that isn't his from a past relationship of hers? This little smart mouth kid, tells everything she knows and hears the mother say, and this man has to have it told him again at the school, from the neighbors, from her family - SHAME ON YOU!!!!!! It's like he is paying for the all of the men who hurt her before - and he is paying the ultimate price.
He said something to me that made me pause. "When will this end?" You can look in his face and see that he deeply loves this woman. No matter what he does to please her, it's still not enough. He reads his bible to get some answers but his mind is a mess and doesn't focus on what the words. He is too busy thinking about how to get the bills caught up and keeping her happy. I did tell him this - take your rightful place as the man. Take a day off of work, go to the library and write a new plan for your household. Start working on refinancing your house or having the loan modified, either get rid of the house phone or the cell phone - people who know you, know how to find you so why have that extra bill; your kids primarily watch dvd's anyway - so shut off the cable, plan your errands wisely - lump all into one trip a week and save that gas; most of all -PRAY!!!! When you have done all you can to stand, STAND!!!.
If you are one of those people who asks/tells your spouse, "where are you going? who is going to want you? these kids will keep you here, you can't make it without me" Please check yourself. The other person can make it without. Staying for the kids is not always smart. They need to see what a healthy marriage looks like and yours is toxic unless you make major changes. If you are going to argue in front of them - apologize to each other in front of them. Hey sweetie, if you wanted him/her, someone else will also.
Trust me, when he gets his weight back up, starts taking care of himself again, dressing nicely because he feels good about himself, going back to the gym. She will see that her words no longer have power over him. She needs to seek therapy for past issues, get medicated and delivered, and build her man up and stop beating him down. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? Stop trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a Kool-Aid budget. This is not the Housewives of Atlanta - this is real life and no one cares if you have the "best of everything" We are all hurting in this economy, so cut back like the rest of us.
He wants his marriage to work. My hat is off to him for that. The average man would have run a long time ago. But he is not average, he is a real Christian man who is doing his human best to trust God. He needs to surrender his heart, his life, his wife and children to God and allow God the time it's going to take, to make his house into a home.
So, how do I stay married for 21 years. By loving her. Doing my best to meet her needs and not just hearing her speak, but listening to what she has to say. When I feel like I am being attacked - sit still and listen because I might need to hear the end of the statement before I react and retaliate. I didn't say I was perfect - but I am working toward being a better man/husband/father. By letting her know what's in my heart without sounding weak. I do it by expressing what my needs are as a man - and yes our needs go beyond the bedroom if you are honest. I pray for her and for us. I ask the Lord to show me how to do this. There is no manual that gives you every answer. However, there is the Word of God that guides me day by day. I am wise enough to speak to men who have been where I am going. I don't ask single men to speak into my life or marriage - they have NO CLUE WHAT IT TAKES.
There is much more to making it work. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100% each. If you are only going to give me 50%, please keep it. I want all of you, or none at all. If your best isn't good enough - run to the cross. God knows your heart and your intentions.
To end the conversation with the man, I told him that he might want to get away for a few days just to clear his mind and seek the Lord for direction. He looks tired, worn out, older than his age and beaten down. Being unequally yolked to someone is not a good thing for you, for the other person and not for the kids. When you best isn't good enough, it's time to take inventory and see if it's worth it all. When everyone around you can see you doing your best and it's not good enough - you might want to listen to them.
I did direct him to a book entitled, "The Power Of A Praying Husband" Back to Tyler Perry and Madea. Some people are trying so hard to keep things together that God might be trying to rip apart. I do believe in the union of marriage, sometimes it doesn't work out for many reasons no matter how good your best is.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Let It Ripen
Like most mornings, I start the day with a little Joyce Meyers. Today she gave one of the best nuggets that I thought I would share. She said "too many people are bearing leaves and no fruit" That thing completely woke me up at 6:15AM. I wanted to hear more.
She went on to say that many of us pick the fruit to soon. God is trying to ripen us for service and like grocery stores - we pick it, package it and try to sell it before it's ready to be eaten and enjoyed. It looks good on the outside but, when you peal back the skin of the fruit - it's dry, mealy, hard, and tasteless. The way we look on the outside, is the way we should be in our homes.
Now this is my own commentary on the matter. I do agree with her. Before my family became members of our church, we weren't sure what to think about the people. We thought that they were putting on an act and that no church can maintain this look for long. We were so wrong.
The way you see the people serve, volunteer and represent God first and then the church, is the way they are when you see them on the streets. We have had the pleasure of becoming good friends with a few of the members, and I have to say - they are some of the best people we know.
Like the three bananas that Joyce had (all at different stages of being ripened) you can see how it was a great comparison to people. Who wants to be around anyone who is hard, dry, and tasteless like a dark green banana. Nobody can say anything good about you because your skin is so thick and you aren't trying to let anyone see what's really there.
Then you have the banana that is starting to turn yellow with green edges. It sat in the sun a bit longer and has gone through the heat, but it's not quite ready to be eaten. The problem with this person is that they go to church and seem to be ready to do the work of the ministry. They haven't been trained, they have the heart attitude but not the level of commitment/maturity needed to the best job for the task at hand. They look good, and are picked to soon. They allow you to pull back the skins, but it takes work. They allow you to see what they want you to see. They are up and down, hit or miss, moody, seem soft - but is really hard.
Then you have the perfect banana - nice and yellow. Tastes sweet, easy to peel. This is the person who has gone through some things. They don't allow themselves to be picked for things they know they aren't ready for. They have a great work ethic even though they volunteer. They know they aren't getting paid, but they perform their work as though they are being paid. They allow people to see their hearts, hurts and triumphs. They stayed on the tree longer than most. They know that their life source - the tree - didn't want them to go and be tasteless, hard and thick skinned. Instead, the tree wanted to let go when person was enjoyable to be around, that had a good Word all the time, didn't complain, was a source of encouragement to others.
Yeah, all of that from a piece of fruit. The Word of God does tell us that "they will know you by the fruit you bear" Now, I am not saying to go out and tell people that they aren't ready to do a work for the Lord. Just look at the fruit they bear. You can be a fruit inspector. Just remember - if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks life a duck - AFLAC!!!!!. That can go both ways, ripened and rotten fruit.
Do you want people to look at you and say "taste and see that the Lord is good" or "I will spit you out because I know you not" There is some strange fruit around here passing itself off as something good. Trust me, it's all wax fruit. Be careful that your teeth don't get stuck in it.
So many people want to be used by God, and that's a good thing. Please sit still and let Him ripen you first. You will be tempted to break free from the tree, but there is nourishment in that tree that you need. The tree will let you go when you are perfectly made. Yes, bruised fruit can still be used and makes some of the best people to be used.
You don't throw out bruised apples, you make cider. You don't throw out brown bananas, you make banana pudding. You don't throw out bruised peaches, you make preserves or cobbler. You don't throw out bruised people - they make great testimonies. God will ripen anyone who wants to be made whole. Don't give up on the fruit that was picked to soon. You might have to put them in the window so they go from green to glorious. Let it ripen.
She went on to say that many of us pick the fruit to soon. God is trying to ripen us for service and like grocery stores - we pick it, package it and try to sell it before it's ready to be eaten and enjoyed. It looks good on the outside but, when you peal back the skin of the fruit - it's dry, mealy, hard, and tasteless. The way we look on the outside, is the way we should be in our homes.
Now this is my own commentary on the matter. I do agree with her. Before my family became members of our church, we weren't sure what to think about the people. We thought that they were putting on an act and that no church can maintain this look for long. We were so wrong.
The way you see the people serve, volunteer and represent God first and then the church, is the way they are when you see them on the streets. We have had the pleasure of becoming good friends with a few of the members, and I have to say - they are some of the best people we know.
Like the three bananas that Joyce had (all at different stages of being ripened) you can see how it was a great comparison to people. Who wants to be around anyone who is hard, dry, and tasteless like a dark green banana. Nobody can say anything good about you because your skin is so thick and you aren't trying to let anyone see what's really there.
Then you have the banana that is starting to turn yellow with green edges. It sat in the sun a bit longer and has gone through the heat, but it's not quite ready to be eaten. The problem with this person is that they go to church and seem to be ready to do the work of the ministry. They haven't been trained, they have the heart attitude but not the level of commitment/maturity needed to the best job for the task at hand. They look good, and are picked to soon. They allow you to pull back the skins, but it takes work. They allow you to see what they want you to see. They are up and down, hit or miss, moody, seem soft - but is really hard.
Then you have the perfect banana - nice and yellow. Tastes sweet, easy to peel. This is the person who has gone through some things. They don't allow themselves to be picked for things they know they aren't ready for. They have a great work ethic even though they volunteer. They know they aren't getting paid, but they perform their work as though they are being paid. They allow people to see their hearts, hurts and triumphs. They stayed on the tree longer than most. They know that their life source - the tree - didn't want them to go and be tasteless, hard and thick skinned. Instead, the tree wanted to let go when person was enjoyable to be around, that had a good Word all the time, didn't complain, was a source of encouragement to others.
Yeah, all of that from a piece of fruit. The Word of God does tell us that "they will know you by the fruit you bear" Now, I am not saying to go out and tell people that they aren't ready to do a work for the Lord. Just look at the fruit they bear. You can be a fruit inspector. Just remember - if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks life a duck - AFLAC!!!!!. That can go both ways, ripened and rotten fruit.
Do you want people to look at you and say "taste and see that the Lord is good" or "I will spit you out because I know you not" There is some strange fruit around here passing itself off as something good. Trust me, it's all wax fruit. Be careful that your teeth don't get stuck in it.
So many people want to be used by God, and that's a good thing. Please sit still and let Him ripen you first. You will be tempted to break free from the tree, but there is nourishment in that tree that you need. The tree will let you go when you are perfectly made. Yes, bruised fruit can still be used and makes some of the best people to be used.
You don't throw out bruised apples, you make cider. You don't throw out brown bananas, you make banana pudding. You don't throw out bruised peaches, you make preserves or cobbler. You don't throw out bruised people - they make great testimonies. God will ripen anyone who wants to be made whole. Don't give up on the fruit that was picked to soon. You might have to put them in the window so they go from green to glorious. Let it ripen.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Go To Church Man
I've often wondered why more men don't go to church, especially in the Black Church. I was listening to the radio the other day and the host was asking the question "is the Black church dying?" First, let me say this and I know it's going to raise some eyebrows, but here it goes. There is ONLY God's church!!!!
I know what the host meant - the predominantly black church. I was once a part of the "black church" Bad teaching had me believing that between the hours of 11AM - 1PM on any given Sunday, was segregation time in the church. Growing up,all I would hear at church was how to get them before they get us, God's Word was prostituted, twisted and taken out of context to drive the point home. You will never be treated as an equal. Give me a break!!!!
Don't get me wrong. Some of my best experiences and memories are a direct result of the Black church experience. You can't beat the music and the sermons (when they are of God) From my own personal experience you also can't beat the way you get abused when you are in leadership positions. I have been beaten financially, spiritually, and emotionally in the church - both black and white. I served for over 20 years in church and have never been paid for the full time work I was doing. Nor was I reimbursed to the money out of pocket for supplies - "you just sowed into the kingdom and your pay day is coming after while"
I read a book entitled "War In The Pews" when I was going through the process of leaving one church. I wasn't allowed to pray, read the scripture, or teach a Sunday School class because I couldn't afford the 15 offerings listed on the envelope. One night at a men's bible study, the pastor said - I am sitting at the this table with Judas and directed the comment at me. You see, the power had gotten to his head and some 300+ people walked out on him just prior to that meeting. Knowing that I was friend with the majority of them, he assumed I would turn on him. I didn't leave that church for another 3 years, even under what appeared to be the persecution of pharaoh. But, when God said it was time to go - I hit the ground running.
After having gone through more than enough, I went to church whenever I felt like it. Why be there? Here I was, a young minister unable to walk in my calling. So, I went and preached at other churches that asked me to speak, and I made sure my pastor knew. He would tell me I was not allowed to go unless he spoke to the host pastor about me first. I was not allowed to perform a wedding, serve communion, or visit the sick. He even took away an outreach that I started with my Sis. who was a minister there also. Said it was getting too big. Why was he worried about it, the money didn't come from church fund? We fed those kids, purchased our supplies and reached out the parents on our own. God chose us to serve in the middle of the projects and we were well received and respected.
After a few months of sporadic attendance, I was called in to meet with the "board." How do I put this? It was like going to the Spanish inquisition. They sat me at one end of the table and he said, " Reverend, we brought you here to tell you everything we see about you, and that we don't like it. You can speak when we are done, and if you leave this church - I promise you will not preach in this state ever again"
You see, he thought he had me over a barrel because I was the state youth pastor for some 80+ churches, I was the 2nd VP for the State Congress of Christian Education, and some other positions. Thank God I am not egotistical and that titles do not matter me. It's about my walk with Jesus and my wanting to please Him first. Favor with man is a result of finding favor with the Lord. I still preached in the state.
One by one, they sat there and told me everything they didn't like about with the exception of one person - my big sister in the Lord. She was the only one of 13 people who stood up for what was right. She saw what was really going on behind the scenes, and she told them that God was not pleased. At the end of that meeting - I looked him in the eye, and said good-bye as I shook his hand. He said "see you on Sunday" I was done and refused to go back in that building for over 5 years.
To this day, I still don't know how I drove 23 miles home. The drive is still a blur to me. My eyes were swollen from the tears, frustration and the anger. How could a church treat anybody this way?
I eventually wrote him a letter of resignation informing him that God has set me free and that I would not soon return to Egypt. I never gave up on God or the "church" because God never gave up on me. So today, I find myself in North Carolina at one of the greatest churches in the land.
Before we moved here, I asked the Lord to show us the place where He wanted us to be when we got here. We checked out a few churches, but all I saw was what I left in CT.
(If this is your church - I do not apologize.) Before we even get into the parking lot of one church - we could feel the music in our car. The bass was so strong that it penetrated the walls of the building. Once inside, the unfriendly usher pushes us to the fourth row where my son begins to cry because the music is ear piercing. You could reach out and touch the praise and worship team, but couldn't hear a single word of what they were singing because of the volume of the instruments. When the children were dismissed to go to class - the usher asked me where I was going (at that time my son who was 7 years old) and the he could take himself to class. Quick, fast and in a hurry, I let her know that I was taking him because I want to know where he was, who the teacher is, and what the check-in policy was. They didn't have a check in policy. By the time the service was over - I had a headache.
This same place was having a building fund campaign at the time I was there. Someone stood up and said to check the website for creative ways to give. I was in shock when I saw the following: sell your house, come out of retirement, sell your jewelry, get a second job, take out a loan, sell your car, and it just got worse. I knew that was not the place for us.
After being discouraged, we were driving down the street one day from the apartment we were renting, and saw a road sign that had a church name on it. We decided that we would visit there since we were not happy driving out to Weddington once I realized the sermons were actually a book that I just read. Listen, everyone who thinks they are called, are not chosen for the task. Many are called - FEW are chosen. This church was all about the technology they had. The walls were painted black and the screen was as tall and wide as the building. It was like going to an IMAX theater. When service was over, the side doors opened and you were in the direct sunlight waiting for your eyes to adjust. I don't think God cares about a show and reciting a book. He wants your heart and the sermon to come from Him. The one great thing they had was the children and youth ministry - awesome.
Laying in bed one Sunday morning, feeling empty and depleted, the Lord woke me up and said "Go to church, I have something to say to you" So I woke up the family, we got dressed and off we went. While I am getting dressed, I am asking God where we are going today. We start out on the road and He says turn now. It was that little road sign we saw a few weeks ago. We go in and sit down and the pastor appears on the screen. The first words out of his mouth are "someone has gone through hell this week" It was October of 2008. Our family has just finished completing the "Facing Your Giants" bible study. We moved from CT with 7 days with of clothes, a folding table with 6 folding chairs, air mattresses and blankets. We needed to hear from God in a big way.
Before I knew it, the tears were flowing down my face. To make a long story short, we have been there ever since. I love the way our pastor keeps it simple, cuts to the heart of the matter, doesn't short change God, doesn't twist the scriptures, calls out issues for what they are, encourages a person to live right, challenges your walk upright with God and man, has a heart for the people, visits the youth in their building, visits the off-site location, shows you he is still a man - but striving to please the Lord, the music is outstanding, my wife and kids are the happiest we have ever been in a church. I could go all day about Central. The great thing is this, the rest of the staff is the same way.
I keep getting the question - have you told them you are a minister? Yes, I have told a few people. Do I want to ever be in a leadership position again? - only if God orchestrates it to happen. I have done enough church "man's way" it's time to let God do things His Way!!!
All to Jesus, I surrender.
I know what the host meant - the predominantly black church. I was once a part of the "black church" Bad teaching had me believing that between the hours of 11AM - 1PM on any given Sunday, was segregation time in the church. Growing up,all I would hear at church was how to get them before they get us, God's Word was prostituted, twisted and taken out of context to drive the point home. You will never be treated as an equal. Give me a break!!!!
Don't get me wrong. Some of my best experiences and memories are a direct result of the Black church experience. You can't beat the music and the sermons (when they are of God) From my own personal experience you also can't beat the way you get abused when you are in leadership positions. I have been beaten financially, spiritually, and emotionally in the church - both black and white. I served for over 20 years in church and have never been paid for the full time work I was doing. Nor was I reimbursed to the money out of pocket for supplies - "you just sowed into the kingdom and your pay day is coming after while"
I read a book entitled "War In The Pews" when I was going through the process of leaving one church. I wasn't allowed to pray, read the scripture, or teach a Sunday School class because I couldn't afford the 15 offerings listed on the envelope. One night at a men's bible study, the pastor said - I am sitting at the this table with Judas and directed the comment at me. You see, the power had gotten to his head and some 300+ people walked out on him just prior to that meeting. Knowing that I was friend with the majority of them, he assumed I would turn on him. I didn't leave that church for another 3 years, even under what appeared to be the persecution of pharaoh. But, when God said it was time to go - I hit the ground running.
After having gone through more than enough, I went to church whenever I felt like it. Why be there? Here I was, a young minister unable to walk in my calling. So, I went and preached at other churches that asked me to speak, and I made sure my pastor knew. He would tell me I was not allowed to go unless he spoke to the host pastor about me first. I was not allowed to perform a wedding, serve communion, or visit the sick. He even took away an outreach that I started with my Sis. who was a minister there also. Said it was getting too big. Why was he worried about it, the money didn't come from church fund? We fed those kids, purchased our supplies and reached out the parents on our own. God chose us to serve in the middle of the projects and we were well received and respected.
After a few months of sporadic attendance, I was called in to meet with the "board." How do I put this? It was like going to the Spanish inquisition. They sat me at one end of the table and he said, " Reverend, we brought you here to tell you everything we see about you, and that we don't like it. You can speak when we are done, and if you leave this church - I promise you will not preach in this state ever again"
You see, he thought he had me over a barrel because I was the state youth pastor for some 80+ churches, I was the 2nd VP for the State Congress of Christian Education, and some other positions. Thank God I am not egotistical and that titles do not matter me. It's about my walk with Jesus and my wanting to please Him first. Favor with man is a result of finding favor with the Lord. I still preached in the state.
One by one, they sat there and told me everything they didn't like about with the exception of one person - my big sister in the Lord. She was the only one of 13 people who stood up for what was right. She saw what was really going on behind the scenes, and she told them that God was not pleased. At the end of that meeting - I looked him in the eye, and said good-bye as I shook his hand. He said "see you on Sunday" I was done and refused to go back in that building for over 5 years.
To this day, I still don't know how I drove 23 miles home. The drive is still a blur to me. My eyes were swollen from the tears, frustration and the anger. How could a church treat anybody this way?
I eventually wrote him a letter of resignation informing him that God has set me free and that I would not soon return to Egypt. I never gave up on God or the "church" because God never gave up on me. So today, I find myself in North Carolina at one of the greatest churches in the land.
Before we moved here, I asked the Lord to show us the place where He wanted us to be when we got here. We checked out a few churches, but all I saw was what I left in CT.
(If this is your church - I do not apologize.) Before we even get into the parking lot of one church - we could feel the music in our car. The bass was so strong that it penetrated the walls of the building. Once inside, the unfriendly usher pushes us to the fourth row where my son begins to cry because the music is ear piercing. You could reach out and touch the praise and worship team, but couldn't hear a single word of what they were singing because of the volume of the instruments. When the children were dismissed to go to class - the usher asked me where I was going (at that time my son who was 7 years old) and the he could take himself to class. Quick, fast and in a hurry, I let her know that I was taking him because I want to know where he was, who the teacher is, and what the check-in policy was. They didn't have a check in policy. By the time the service was over - I had a headache.
This same place was having a building fund campaign at the time I was there. Someone stood up and said to check the website for creative ways to give. I was in shock when I saw the following: sell your house, come out of retirement, sell your jewelry, get a second job, take out a loan, sell your car, and it just got worse. I knew that was not the place for us.
After being discouraged, we were driving down the street one day from the apartment we were renting, and saw a road sign that had a church name on it. We decided that we would visit there since we were not happy driving out to Weddington once I realized the sermons were actually a book that I just read. Listen, everyone who thinks they are called, are not chosen for the task. Many are called - FEW are chosen. This church was all about the technology they had. The walls were painted black and the screen was as tall and wide as the building. It was like going to an IMAX theater. When service was over, the side doors opened and you were in the direct sunlight waiting for your eyes to adjust. I don't think God cares about a show and reciting a book. He wants your heart and the sermon to come from Him. The one great thing they had was the children and youth ministry - awesome.
Laying in bed one Sunday morning, feeling empty and depleted, the Lord woke me up and said "Go to church, I have something to say to you" So I woke up the family, we got dressed and off we went. While I am getting dressed, I am asking God where we are going today. We start out on the road and He says turn now. It was that little road sign we saw a few weeks ago. We go in and sit down and the pastor appears on the screen. The first words out of his mouth are "someone has gone through hell this week" It was October of 2008. Our family has just finished completing the "Facing Your Giants" bible study. We moved from CT with 7 days with of clothes, a folding table with 6 folding chairs, air mattresses and blankets. We needed to hear from God in a big way.
Before I knew it, the tears were flowing down my face. To make a long story short, we have been there ever since. I love the way our pastor keeps it simple, cuts to the heart of the matter, doesn't short change God, doesn't twist the scriptures, calls out issues for what they are, encourages a person to live right, challenges your walk upright with God and man, has a heart for the people, visits the youth in their building, visits the off-site location, shows you he is still a man - but striving to please the Lord, the music is outstanding, my wife and kids are the happiest we have ever been in a church. I could go all day about Central. The great thing is this, the rest of the staff is the same way.
I keep getting the question - have you told them you are a minister? Yes, I have told a few people. Do I want to ever be in a leadership position again? - only if God orchestrates it to happen. I have done enough church "man's way" it's time to let God do things His Way!!!
All to Jesus, I surrender.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
There is A King In You
I recently wrote about how our daughters and wives need covering. Today, I want to covering our sons. There are far too many boys walking around in the bodies of full grown men.
How can I make that statement? Easy - when I was a child, I thought like a child, I acted like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things. I matured and took life seriously. I took on the responsibilities of a man. I did the things that men do. I stood up for what was right spiritually, morally, ethically and in my marriage and fatherhood.
Just today, I looked at a boy stuck in a man's body walking with a child of about 3 years old. The two of them walked by in in the grocery store, pants barely holding up, boxers showing, and shoes flopping. The father had the nerve to say to the child, "get your swagger on" The child needs to learn to read, speak proper English, how to respect himself and others, and the basic fundamentals of life - not how to swagger and walk around with his pants on the ground!!!! I don't care if you are African American, Caucasian, or pink with purple polka dots - teach your son how to be a man!!!!
Take them to school so that the teacher knows you are an active part of your son's life. Ask the right questions when there are issues in school. Don't accept what is written on a piece of paper as the final answer. Open your mouth and ask what you can do as the father to help your son at home. Find out what the school system has for resources. If you child has a learning disability, find out how to treat it and then do your part to work with him. Your son needs to know that he is covered.
Don't allow life to pass you by and your son can't cope with the issues of life because you didn't stand up for him and get him some help. There are far too many moms out there, doing the work of both parents. Take some of the load off of her and do something man!!!! You better believe my son's school knows me for more than my baking and cooking ability. They know that I am going to show up, speak up, and check up. If I don't like the answers, I will go to the next level until I have gotten all the way to the state board of education.
My kids mean that much to me. The game can wait, washing the car can wait, hanging with the boys can wait, going to gym can wait. If he can't read, do math and write well - stop blaming the school and get your butt moving to help the kid.
It's like this, I pray a prayer with my son at night where he confesses that he is a prince, a royal priesthood. Why? Kids believe what they confess and what they hear you say they are. There is a king inside of my son. He has a love of reading now, that I had a kid. I love that I can walk into his room and instead of playing video games, I catch him reading for more than an hour - and, I didn't tell him to do it.
He was inspired by the Blind Side movie, and surprisingly he compared himself to Michael Oher. He recognized he was a big kid for his age, that he had challenges reading and comprehending and that he also had a love of football. He must have watched that movie every night for 3 months. He wants to do better in school and make us even more proud of him than we already are. We assure him that he just needs to do his best, pay attention and try to remember what he was taught.
Of course, we would love for him to get straight A's, but we are going to love him no matter what if he doesn't, as long as he did his best and tried hard. In covering him, we paid for reading and math programs online to help him. Yes, he gets frustrated when he doesn't get it right away, but that's part of the learning process. He has an amazing support system in his school and we are grateful that they get back to us quickly.
So men, stop acting like boys!!!! Speak up for your son - he won't forget it. You need to model for him, what a man is supposed to look like, act like and be like. Earn the title of "DAD" that he will be proud to tell everyone that you are his. My heart is full when I see my son at school and his face lights up when he sees me walking in. All of his classmates tell him, "I wish my dad came to eat lunch with me" His response - "just ask him"
Donald Lawrence has a song entitled "There Is A King In You": He says - there is branch inside the twig, a king inside the prince. Our son name means "Who Is Like God, Priceless" and we see God in him, and he is priceless to us - just like his sisters are.
Dad cover your son and tell him ' There Is A King In You. Even if you didn't get it as a child, don't you want better for your son. I determined that the cycle ended with my father, and that I would be a better man, husband and father than he never was. The bonding process with my son can't be bought for or by, anything. He is not going to be the next thug on the corner if I can help and the Lord blesses me to raise him to be a man. Our boy - is a prince being groomed to be the king!!!
How can I make that statement? Easy - when I was a child, I thought like a child, I acted like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things. I matured and took life seriously. I took on the responsibilities of a man. I did the things that men do. I stood up for what was right spiritually, morally, ethically and in my marriage and fatherhood.
Just today, I looked at a boy stuck in a man's body walking with a child of about 3 years old. The two of them walked by in in the grocery store, pants barely holding up, boxers showing, and shoes flopping. The father had the nerve to say to the child, "get your swagger on" The child needs to learn to read, speak proper English, how to respect himself and others, and the basic fundamentals of life - not how to swagger and walk around with his pants on the ground!!!! I don't care if you are African American, Caucasian, or pink with purple polka dots - teach your son how to be a man!!!!
Take them to school so that the teacher knows you are an active part of your son's life. Ask the right questions when there are issues in school. Don't accept what is written on a piece of paper as the final answer. Open your mouth and ask what you can do as the father to help your son at home. Find out what the school system has for resources. If you child has a learning disability, find out how to treat it and then do your part to work with him. Your son needs to know that he is covered.
Don't allow life to pass you by and your son can't cope with the issues of life because you didn't stand up for him and get him some help. There are far too many moms out there, doing the work of both parents. Take some of the load off of her and do something man!!!! You better believe my son's school knows me for more than my baking and cooking ability. They know that I am going to show up, speak up, and check up. If I don't like the answers, I will go to the next level until I have gotten all the way to the state board of education.
My kids mean that much to me. The game can wait, washing the car can wait, hanging with the boys can wait, going to gym can wait. If he can't read, do math and write well - stop blaming the school and get your butt moving to help the kid.
It's like this, I pray a prayer with my son at night where he confesses that he is a prince, a royal priesthood. Why? Kids believe what they confess and what they hear you say they are. There is a king inside of my son. He has a love of reading now, that I had a kid. I love that I can walk into his room and instead of playing video games, I catch him reading for more than an hour - and, I didn't tell him to do it.
He was inspired by the Blind Side movie, and surprisingly he compared himself to Michael Oher. He recognized he was a big kid for his age, that he had challenges reading and comprehending and that he also had a love of football. He must have watched that movie every night for 3 months. He wants to do better in school and make us even more proud of him than we already are. We assure him that he just needs to do his best, pay attention and try to remember what he was taught.
Of course, we would love for him to get straight A's, but we are going to love him no matter what if he doesn't, as long as he did his best and tried hard. In covering him, we paid for reading and math programs online to help him. Yes, he gets frustrated when he doesn't get it right away, but that's part of the learning process. He has an amazing support system in his school and we are grateful that they get back to us quickly.
So men, stop acting like boys!!!! Speak up for your son - he won't forget it. You need to model for him, what a man is supposed to look like, act like and be like. Earn the title of "DAD" that he will be proud to tell everyone that you are his. My heart is full when I see my son at school and his face lights up when he sees me walking in. All of his classmates tell him, "I wish my dad came to eat lunch with me" His response - "just ask him"
Donald Lawrence has a song entitled "There Is A King In You": He says - there is branch inside the twig, a king inside the prince. Our son name means "Who Is Like God, Priceless" and we see God in him, and he is priceless to us - just like his sisters are.
Dad cover your son and tell him ' There Is A King In You. Even if you didn't get it as a child, don't you want better for your son. I determined that the cycle ended with my father, and that I would be a better man, husband and father than he never was. The bonding process with my son can't be bought for or by, anything. He is not going to be the next thug on the corner if I can help and the Lord blesses me to raise him to be a man. Our boy - is a prince being groomed to be the king!!!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Never Give Up
Well, I finally finished it. My application for the Next Great Baker. There were far too many people telling me to enter the contest and then complete strangers are telling me that my baking precedes me. One of my friend's mom told me to at least try it out, but most of all, my wife is just to supportive. Even if I don't get chosen this time, I will try again next year. Nothing beats a failure but a try. I am looking at the bright side.
So, I did it. I even went around my small town to see if there was any competition in the bakery area, and I found one small shop so far off of the road that no one can see it. The shop was dimly lit, felt unkept, and had no personality at all. The shop I want to open will be bright, airy, fun and there will be something for people to purchase.
I have prayed and prayed about a name for the place and I keep going back to Heavenly Scent. The name won't leave me and I know that it's God giving it to me. Imagine it, me walking in my passion and doing what I enjoy. Since this is my dominant gift, I will use it to make room for me and my family. I am working up a pamphlet, pictures and a website. I need to make one more trip to SCORE and get some advice from the retired business executives on how to obtain a small business loan. It won't take much to start up, and the location I want to go to is perfect - high traffic, people who love to eat and once the smell is in the air, people will ask, "what is that Heavenly Scent?"
Now comes the hard part, seeking God while I seek the help of man. He said I would find favor with Him and men. With that, please PRAY for a brother. If the Lord leads you, fast and pray. After all faith without works is dead. I will sit back and wait for anyone to do what I need to do for myself. I just need to come up with a logo and a tag line to go with the name.
I have enough recipes to last forever. Too many flavors to name in one sitting, but I will do this. I can do the event planning on the side while I bake for the masses. My event portfolio is coming together, I am asking for letters of recommendation from former clients, have pictures ready, samples of literature from former events, cd labels from past events, and I have given out samples of my baked goods. Comparing this to a woman - this baby is ready to be birthed!!!!
I have such a 'NEVER GIVE UP' spirit right now. I feel like I can take on the world. I recall hearing Yolanda Adams say this morning - if you speak it enough, you will do it. Without faith, it is impossible to please the Lord. With God, all things are possible, without Him - NOTHING is possible. I speak life over myself and my endeavor. I will not allow the nay sayers to bring me down. So I say to doubt, fear and discouragement - you WILL NOT put your foot on my neck. I have been down long enough. I have been preparing for battle and it's wartime. I am a realist and I know there might be obstacles in my way. I look at those obstacles as opportunity. Opportunity for me to learn the business and for me to grow. Trials come to make me strong, not to defeat me.
I know that I have to crawl before I walk, and walk before I run, and run before I fly. BUT, when I start flying - watch out because I will only land long enough to help someone get their wings, and then I am off again. I have to help someone just like someone helped me - while I keep my eyes on Him who provides all.
NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!! After you have done all you can to stand, STAND - and NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
So, I did it. I even went around my small town to see if there was any competition in the bakery area, and I found one small shop so far off of the road that no one can see it. The shop was dimly lit, felt unkept, and had no personality at all. The shop I want to open will be bright, airy, fun and there will be something for people to purchase.
I have prayed and prayed about a name for the place and I keep going back to Heavenly Scent. The name won't leave me and I know that it's God giving it to me. Imagine it, me walking in my passion and doing what I enjoy. Since this is my dominant gift, I will use it to make room for me and my family. I am working up a pamphlet, pictures and a website. I need to make one more trip to SCORE and get some advice from the retired business executives on how to obtain a small business loan. It won't take much to start up, and the location I want to go to is perfect - high traffic, people who love to eat and once the smell is in the air, people will ask, "what is that Heavenly Scent?"
Now comes the hard part, seeking God while I seek the help of man. He said I would find favor with Him and men. With that, please PRAY for a brother. If the Lord leads you, fast and pray. After all faith without works is dead. I will sit back and wait for anyone to do what I need to do for myself. I just need to come up with a logo and a tag line to go with the name.
I have enough recipes to last forever. Too many flavors to name in one sitting, but I will do this. I can do the event planning on the side while I bake for the masses. My event portfolio is coming together, I am asking for letters of recommendation from former clients, have pictures ready, samples of literature from former events, cd labels from past events, and I have given out samples of my baked goods. Comparing this to a woman - this baby is ready to be birthed!!!!
I have such a 'NEVER GIVE UP' spirit right now. I feel like I can take on the world. I recall hearing Yolanda Adams say this morning - if you speak it enough, you will do it. Without faith, it is impossible to please the Lord. With God, all things are possible, without Him - NOTHING is possible. I speak life over myself and my endeavor. I will not allow the nay sayers to bring me down. So I say to doubt, fear and discouragement - you WILL NOT put your foot on my neck. I have been down long enough. I have been preparing for battle and it's wartime. I am a realist and I know there might be obstacles in my way. I look at those obstacles as opportunity. Opportunity for me to learn the business and for me to grow. Trials come to make me strong, not to defeat me.
I know that I have to crawl before I walk, and walk before I run, and run before I fly. BUT, when I start flying - watch out because I will only land long enough to help someone get their wings, and then I am off again. I have to help someone just like someone helped me - while I keep my eyes on Him who provides all.
NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!! After you have done all you can to stand, STAND - and NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Being Covered
This past weekend I learned something from some good friends who traveled to enjoy a weekend long celebration. The wife said to me - "a girl needs her dad's covering." It wasn't until she told me her testimony of her life that the depth of that statement really hit me. I just pray that my girls can sense my covering when they are not around me.
The subject that won't keep it's ugly head buried and keeps resurfacing - the missing dad - is deeper than originally thought. No, not just with me, but with other people as well. Several of my followers are having issues with dad. I find it very interesting that the female feels this loss in a greater way than most of the men. Maybe it's because so many men are afraid to express what that void feels like. Maybe they prefer to continue walking in the lie that they are fine with the way things are. I don't think so. They feel a degree of emptiness like the rest of us. If they were fine, they wouldn't be the one bringing up the subject, their life would speak differently, they would treat their own children better and, they would want to see an end to the perpetual cycle of absentee dads, by being their for their own children.
You see, this young lady traveled a great distance to attend this affair. By the time the evening came to an end, she was rethinking her views of her dad; her role in the relationship, and her views of black men. I told her not to condemn an entire race of men due to the failure of what she has seen in her past. Their are men - regardless of race - who do make a difference. She explained that she was well educated and didn't want to settle for someone who was not her educational equal. She explained that she is only approached by men of a different race.
I left her with this: I believe that you have set your standards so high, that your imaginary ideal man, will never be found. It's like being in the grocery store looking for a specialty food on a very high shelf, and what you're really looking for is on eye level. Stop looking for Marty Millionaire, when Average Income Andy is going to give you a better quality of life. It's not about the money when the love is not there. That is part of the message I need to pass on to my girls. A man can tall, dark, handsome and rich, who treats you well in front of everyone, but leaves you longing for his heart at home. At the other end of the spectrum, that same tall, dark and handsome man could be janitor and fill your house with peace, love and happiness because he found a woman who appreciates what he does for his family.
I took a long hard look at my girls and asked myself if I think I am covering them they way each of them needs me to. I had to look in the mirror of life, take inventory and restock the shelves of love, hope, trust, protection, and much more. Covering my daughters is more than providing them with a home, food and clothing. Any man can do that and still be absent in the way that matters most - emotionally. This is not just extended to my girls, but most importantly, to my wife.
What I model in covering my wife, is what my girls are going to seek after when they get married. I am not perfect, but I am trying my best to overcome who I was. Not making excuses, but when you had no role model to follow, it becomes on the job training for the man. You have to become a man who walks upright, father's children, is husband to your wife - you can't rely on TV dads to show you how to be what your family needs. I recall once saying "my name is Tony McKoy, not Cliff Huxtable. This is reality, not the perfect TV family"
The longer I am married, the more I see the emotional needs of my wife and my girls. I see why so many females are a mess. They have a false sense of security in the men in their lives, all because dad did his disappearing act when she was young.
Again, I have to set a standard for my daughters to look for in a husband. I want them to find a man that validates them as much, if not more than I do. He has to be her protector and her provider. He has to be able to explain the things she might not understand. He has to keep up with the issues around the world. He has to be able to talk intelligently about current events and not what kinds of rims the next rap star has on his car.
After speaking to three different women this past weekend, I am encouraged in my relationships with my wife and daughters. I spoke to my wife about the events of the weekend. God has blessed me with a woman who trusts me and is not insecure when she sees me speaking with other people. She knows that I am going to set the record at the start of the conversation. Not because she told me too, but because I love her enough to make sure other woman know the game is over before it has a chance to start.
So dads, cover your wife and daughters. Pray for them without them knowing you are doing it. Go to battle for them when they are unaware. God will reward you for what you in secret. I don't pray with them as much as I need to, but I pray for every one of them when they walk out the door. Our woman need to know that they are covered and that we are listening. We may not always understand, but we are listening. They just want to be covered.
The subject that won't keep it's ugly head buried and keeps resurfacing - the missing dad - is deeper than originally thought. No, not just with me, but with other people as well. Several of my followers are having issues with dad. I find it very interesting that the female feels this loss in a greater way than most of the men. Maybe it's because so many men are afraid to express what that void feels like. Maybe they prefer to continue walking in the lie that they are fine with the way things are. I don't think so. They feel a degree of emptiness like the rest of us. If they were fine, they wouldn't be the one bringing up the subject, their life would speak differently, they would treat their own children better and, they would want to see an end to the perpetual cycle of absentee dads, by being their for their own children.
You see, this young lady traveled a great distance to attend this affair. By the time the evening came to an end, she was rethinking her views of her dad; her role in the relationship, and her views of black men. I told her not to condemn an entire race of men due to the failure of what she has seen in her past. Their are men - regardless of race - who do make a difference. She explained that she was well educated and didn't want to settle for someone who was not her educational equal. She explained that she is only approached by men of a different race.
I left her with this: I believe that you have set your standards so high, that your imaginary ideal man, will never be found. It's like being in the grocery store looking for a specialty food on a very high shelf, and what you're really looking for is on eye level. Stop looking for Marty Millionaire, when Average Income Andy is going to give you a better quality of life. It's not about the money when the love is not there. That is part of the message I need to pass on to my girls. A man can tall, dark, handsome and rich, who treats you well in front of everyone, but leaves you longing for his heart at home. At the other end of the spectrum, that same tall, dark and handsome man could be janitor and fill your house with peace, love and happiness because he found a woman who appreciates what he does for his family.
I took a long hard look at my girls and asked myself if I think I am covering them they way each of them needs me to. I had to look in the mirror of life, take inventory and restock the shelves of love, hope, trust, protection, and much more. Covering my daughters is more than providing them with a home, food and clothing. Any man can do that and still be absent in the way that matters most - emotionally. This is not just extended to my girls, but most importantly, to my wife.
What I model in covering my wife, is what my girls are going to seek after when they get married. I am not perfect, but I am trying my best to overcome who I was. Not making excuses, but when you had no role model to follow, it becomes on the job training for the man. You have to become a man who walks upright, father's children, is husband to your wife - you can't rely on TV dads to show you how to be what your family needs. I recall once saying "my name is Tony McKoy, not Cliff Huxtable. This is reality, not the perfect TV family"
The longer I am married, the more I see the emotional needs of my wife and my girls. I see why so many females are a mess. They have a false sense of security in the men in their lives, all because dad did his disappearing act when she was young.
Again, I have to set a standard for my daughters to look for in a husband. I want them to find a man that validates them as much, if not more than I do. He has to be her protector and her provider. He has to be able to explain the things she might not understand. He has to keep up with the issues around the world. He has to be able to talk intelligently about current events and not what kinds of rims the next rap star has on his car.
After speaking to three different women this past weekend, I am encouraged in my relationships with my wife and daughters. I spoke to my wife about the events of the weekend. God has blessed me with a woman who trusts me and is not insecure when she sees me speaking with other people. She knows that I am going to set the record at the start of the conversation. Not because she told me too, but because I love her enough to make sure other woman know the game is over before it has a chance to start.
So dads, cover your wife and daughters. Pray for them without them knowing you are doing it. Go to battle for them when they are unaware. God will reward you for what you in secret. I don't pray with them as much as I need to, but I pray for every one of them when they walk out the door. Our woman need to know that they are covered and that we are listening. We may not always understand, but we are listening. They just want to be covered.
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