Recently, a young man asked me how I stayed married for 21 years while his marriage of 3 years seems to be falling apart. Communication is the major key to any marriage being successful. You have to be honest without being hurtful when you disagree and it takes time to learn how to do that.
His biggest gripe is this. Whenever they argue, she points out all of his flaws and reminds him of his present and past failures, compares him to men in other marriages of their friends, is very condescending when she speaks to him, degrades him in front of their baby and proceeds to tell the how useless dad is, and the list goes on and on.
At the end of the argument, she expects an apology from him and for him to say why he is sorry. Sort of like you would treat your 2 year old. She never admits that she had anything to do with the problem, that she was upset over some trivial little item. Now, I said it wasn't easy.
When she realizes that she is what has happened and she has deflated her man, she wants to blame it on her "time of the month" Now ladies, please don't take this the wrong way but, YOU decide what comes out of your mouth, how it is presented and delivered. If you can keep it on a level field at work and nobody knows it's your "time" why do we as husbands have to suffer the brutal side effects of a verbal tongue lashing? I'm just saying.
This is not some Divorce Court drama that I'm talking about. This young lady has a very false sense of what a marriage is supposed to be like. She watches way too much TV and bases reality on fantasy. Life is not The Cosby Show or Daddy Knows Best. I really wish I could say this is some made up stuff, but I have been witness to the young man's 40 lashes by his wife. I have stepped in after he walked away totally embarrassed because of what he had to endure in front of his friends and family.
I wish I could say this young man was not doing his part but he is. He is getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby. He is the only financial support in the house. He does his best to take care of house and keeping it maintained. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry, the shopping and everything else it takes to run the house and yet - his best isn't good enough for her.
This has nothing to do with her having had a baby a year ago. She was like this prior to the baby. He had no idea what he was getting into when he married her. It's funny how people change after they say "I Do" The love and support that was there prior to the vows, seems to be a shackle placed on the 3rd finger of the let hand at the ceremony. What happens to the happiness that was shared when you were dating? Why did you change when the planning started? If you were so in love before, how did it all go so badly that you treat someone like dirt.
Again, I wish that I could say that there was something that wasn't being seen, but trust me, everything is in the wide open with her. He can't talk on the phone without her yelling for something in the background. Listen to this and hear my heart.
When you get married and the vows are spoken, you are supposed to remain faithful to the words you've spoken in front of the people and most importantly to the GOD!!! Being faithful to one another goes above and beyond adultery. You have to be faithful to your promise to each other and God. I really wish young couples would stop having someone read 1 Corin. 13 at their weddings until someone gives them a clear understanding of what LOVE is. Yes, it sounds good at the ceremony and everyone expects to hear it recited. But what's the point of reciting it, if you aren't going to apply to your life?
I was on the phone with this young man as he spoke through the tears and pain for over an hour. I love this man like he were my own brother. I believe in the union of marriage but I also believe in a peace of mind. If I can't go home and find some peace - I need to make a change. Sometimes it just doesn't work. The sad part is this, she brings her family into the marriage. They know all of the details of the finances, the mortgage issues, the problems with the house, the late bills, and even their sex lives or lack there of, and her family has no problem weighing in on the matters, calling and sending demoralizing texts, questioning his manhood, telling him that he isn't a real man or saying "a real man would...." - SHAME ON YOU!!!!!
That man is doing the best he knows how to, to take care of you and his child. Did I mention he is also raising a little girl that isn't his from a past relationship of hers? This little smart mouth kid, tells everything she knows and hears the mother say, and this man has to have it told him again at the school, from the neighbors, from her family - SHAME ON YOU!!!!!! It's like he is paying for the all of the men who hurt her before - and he is paying the ultimate price.
He said something to me that made me pause. "When will this end?" You can look in his face and see that he deeply loves this woman. No matter what he does to please her, it's still not enough. He reads his bible to get some answers but his mind is a mess and doesn't focus on what the words. He is too busy thinking about how to get the bills caught up and keeping her happy. I did tell him this - take your rightful place as the man. Take a day off of work, go to the library and write a new plan for your household. Start working on refinancing your house or having the loan modified, either get rid of the house phone or the cell phone - people who know you, know how to find you so why have that extra bill; your kids primarily watch dvd's anyway - so shut off the cable, plan your errands wisely - lump all into one trip a week and save that gas; most of all -PRAY!!!! When you have done all you can to stand, STAND!!!.
If you are one of those people who asks/tells your spouse, "where are you going? who is going to want you? these kids will keep you here, you can't make it without me" Please check yourself. The other person can make it without. Staying for the kids is not always smart. They need to see what a healthy marriage looks like and yours is toxic unless you make major changes. If you are going to argue in front of them - apologize to each other in front of them. Hey sweetie, if you wanted him/her, someone else will also.
Trust me, when he gets his weight back up, starts taking care of himself again, dressing nicely because he feels good about himself, going back to the gym. She will see that her words no longer have power over him. She needs to seek therapy for past issues, get medicated and delivered, and build her man up and stop beating him down. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? Stop trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a Kool-Aid budget. This is not the Housewives of Atlanta - this is real life and no one cares if you have the "best of everything" We are all hurting in this economy, so cut back like the rest of us.
He wants his marriage to work. My hat is off to him for that. The average man would have run a long time ago. But he is not average, he is a real Christian man who is doing his human best to trust God. He needs to surrender his heart, his life, his wife and children to God and allow God the time it's going to take, to make his house into a home.
So, how do I stay married for 21 years. By loving her. Doing my best to meet her needs and not just hearing her speak, but listening to what she has to say. When I feel like I am being attacked - sit still and listen because I might need to hear the end of the statement before I react and retaliate. I didn't say I was perfect - but I am working toward being a better man/husband/father. By letting her know what's in my heart without sounding weak. I do it by expressing what my needs are as a man - and yes our needs go beyond the bedroom if you are honest. I pray for her and for us. I ask the Lord to show me how to do this. There is no manual that gives you every answer. However, there is the Word of God that guides me day by day. I am wise enough to speak to men who have been where I am going. I don't ask single men to speak into my life or marriage - they have NO CLUE WHAT IT TAKES.
There is much more to making it work. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100% each. If you are only going to give me 50%, please keep it. I want all of you, or none at all. If your best isn't good enough - run to the cross. God knows your heart and your intentions.
To end the conversation with the man, I told him that he might want to get away for a few days just to clear his mind and seek the Lord for direction. He looks tired, worn out, older than his age and beaten down. Being unequally yolked to someone is not a good thing for you, for the other person and not for the kids. When you best isn't good enough, it's time to take inventory and see if it's worth it all. When everyone around you can see you doing your best and it's not good enough - you might want to listen to them.
I did direct him to a book entitled, "The Power Of A Praying Husband" Back to Tyler Perry and Madea. Some people are trying so hard to keep things together that God might be trying to rip apart. I do believe in the union of marriage, sometimes it doesn't work out for many reasons no matter how good your best is.
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