How does one sit in the presence of their spouse and pretend that everything is good, so that you don't let them know just how concerned you are? Or, how afraid you are, but won't say it. You heard the same thing that the doctor said. You just hope that the anxiety of being in this medical facility will block the part of the brain that allows comprehension to take place.
Deep down inside your gut, there is a wrenching taking place that could take your very breathe away in an instant. The last thing you want to think about is another surgery, more complications, how soon to schedule surgery, or what this is going to do your home.
As most people know, my face tells the true story about how I feel. However, in the presence of my spouse, doctors, and other "professionals," I somehow manage to keep face. I show no emotion. I go deadpan in my countenance. I am as stoic as Lincoln sitting upon his chair in Washington's monument. Nothing can cause my face to change to so it's true self because I have learned over the past few years, to keep face when my wife is the main focus.
I ask a lot of questions to hold the muscles from reacting in my face. I get up and walk when I feel the twitches about to take control. I sing, and quite badly at times so that the off key voice will mask the cry of my heart. No matter what, I remain strong for her!
Recently, we received bad news about the cancer she is fighting. It sent her into a tailspin of emotions. As she spiraled out of control, falling from a 20,000 foot high of excited from earlier in the day, I watched as she began to descend. 18,000 feet - "what should we do?" 15,000 feet - "will we have surgery this year, or wait until January?" 11,000 feet - "the tears begin to flow" 8,000 feet - "I don't want to have surgery anymore, can it wait?" 5,000 feet - "Tony, I don't want to do this again, am I going to be alright?" Prepare for crash landing!!!! "Tony, why are you singing?" Place your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye!!!! Full blown panic, oxygen masks drop, lights flashing and the air slide has deployed.
It's all I can do to reassure her that everything is going to be fine. I might have a hard time pushing through this landing but someone has to land this plane on the proverbial Hudson River. If it takes Captain Tony to keep face and make it right, I will. My feelings, emotions and fears can wait, I have to bring down this plane and make sure the first responders aren't needed at touchdown. So, as calmly as I know how, I held her hand, spoke softly to let her know that I was going to be by her side on the this journey.
Keeping face is no easy task. Especially when you wear your feelings on your sleeve. God allows me the fortitude and resilience to pull it together just when I need it most.
Tonight I find myself sitting in the dining room writing to release what I couldn't on my face at those critical moments. Keeping face is just as important in front of our children. They need dad to be courageous, strong and brave for them and their mom. They need to know that Captain Tony is going to do his absolute best to land all of the plane that they are. Keeping face graces me to be able to take the hard times I face with them. Keeping face let's our extended family know that I am doing the best that I have, with what I have.
A patient that I met said some very wise words today. "This battle is not mine to fight, it's God's. This is just my journey" How profound? All of these years as a Christian, and she made it so simple. You hear all of the time, but she made me realize that I was allowing it to be more complicated than it needed to be.
Keeping face. Not good all of the time, but when you have to use it - it's great/
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