You Are Always On My Mind

This morning I woke up thinking about my sister who passed away 13 years ago.  And, for some reason I can't shake being overwhelmed with emotion when I think about her.  Before I got married, she was my ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD!!!!  Most people couldn't understand our friendship.   When we were younger, I would volunteer to take a spanking for her.  I would defend her at all costs because I felt like it was my job to protect her in every way possible after our mom passed away.

We knew everything about each other, and I mean everything.  Leaving home at 16 was a challenging time for me.  I called her everyday to see how she was holding up and to make sure she felt safe.  She would tell me that I need to take care of myself and not to worry about her, but I did.

Leaving for college was even harder.  I couldn't imagine going more than an hour away from "home" and not be close enough to get back to her.  See, I loved my sister.  She was the only person who I felt believed in me.  No matter how many times I was told that I was nothing, I will never be anything, and I am worth nothing.  She would come and tell me the exact opposite.  She begged me not to leave but I couldn't take anymore.  I was tired of the constant demoralization I faced every single day.  When I finally had enough - she knew it and told me that I needed to leave before someone got hurt.

When she get sick with a form of palsy, I rushed home from college to be by her beside and I sat right there until she was released.  My college friends wondered what happened to me.  I was raised in one of those "what happens in this family, stays in this family" kind of houses.  I missed exams and fell behind. I shut out my roommate John, and all of my friends.  But I never shut her out.  I told her how I hated going to college for accounting when I really wanted to be a teacher.   She told that if I changed my major that I would be cut off financially from home.  So, against my own will, I stuck with accounting and was in a job I hated for 21 years.

When I told her that I was getting married, she was so excited for me because I found someone who loved me with all my faults, shortcomings, trials and triumphs. She would tell me all the time, " I like her and she will be good for you"  Tammy's opinion was more important to me than anyone else in the world at that time.  She really loved my wife like she would a sister.

Planning her wedding was a great time for us.  We did everything together for that wedding.  She trusted me so much that she asked me to make dresses for our daughters.  I must admit, they came out pretty good.  I made all of her florals, helped design her dress, made her veil and decorated the hall for her.  That was some of the best money my wife and I ever spent.  The smile on her face was PRICELESS.

The day she died, I felt like the world came to an end for the third time in my life.  We lost our mom when she was only 27, I lost my sister when she was 27, and my brother was gunned down when he was 22.  I wanted the world to stop so I could get off and get some relief.  But, there was something very different when she passed away.  We listed to our two songs: My Soul Is Anchored and Count On Me, and we laughed and cried, and laughed and cried some more.  She told me that she needed to rest and that I needed to take care of myself and help her children grow up. 

The next week she looked great.  She was her old self again, so full of life and I thought she rebounded.  Everything in me knew that it was the end.  Being a minister and seeing people in the hospital follow this pattern - you just know. But I still had hope in spite of it all. 

When the doctor called me at 2:30AM, to let me know I needed to come and see her, it was too late.  I didn't get to talk to her in the final moments.  I felt cheated that she didn't wait for me, but she knew I wasn't ready for that . 

Now I need to go wash my face of the tears and replace them with all of the great memories I have of her.  Tammy, you are always on my mind.  I see your face every time I look at LaToya, and I am filled with joy.  She is a duplicate of her mom in almost every way.