The Battle Is Not Mine - It's The Lord's

Today has been eventful.  I played with some kids from the neighborhood, got all of the laundry done,and then the phone rang at about 7PM.  My doctor's office called.  I was all excited to hear good news about my blood work.  Instead, I got the downer of the day.  Talk about having the wind sucked out of your sails.

I did everything right.  I took the stupid pills, I took the walks and worked out to Wii Active, I cooked healthy meals - and my cholesterol came back high, blood sugar was high (457) on the day of the test, hemoglobin was too low and the list just goes on.  I was instructed to increase everything that I am taking.  I am ready to stop taking everything and let God do the rest.

Yeah I know He put doctors here to help us, but nothing seems to be working.  I finally took the time to read the side effects of my meds.  Some of them make you gain weight, some make your blood sugar go up, some cause tremors.  No wonder I can't concentrate, see clearly, stop shaking and sleep at night.  These drugs are doing more harm than good.

What is a man to do - keep working hard on the every day life habits and routines, write down everything that goes into my mouth, count every carb, calorie and protein - all while I choke down those pills and stick that needle in my stomach.

This is the time that I need to seriously surrender everything to God.  I can't keep doing this in my own strength. Obviously, I can't fight this battle and war alone - I have to listen for His voice and follow His marching orders.

Don't get me wrong - I am discouraged, I need to find a place to let out the pain.  I can't do it in front of the kids,not that I don't want them to see me in my weakness, but because they see me as their protector.  You know how we are as men - the kids and wife can't see us as weak - we have to be strong.  WHAT A BUNCH OF HOG WASH!!!!!

Back in the day before I knew Jesus, I would run and get a drink.  I would call a friend and hit the clubs, I would get in my car and go down to NYC and stay a few days in the darkest club and come out at day break.  NOW, I fall on my knees and do my best to TRUST HIM to make it all right.  I have to live this life like God is coming tonight rather than live it like I have 50 years before He arrives.

I am weak, I need help, I need direction and I need to get my body in order.  The good that I want to do - I don't do, the bad that I don't want to do - this I keep doing.  I war against the flesh, day and night. This battle is not mine - it has to be the Lord's.