Well it's finally done. I took the time to sit down and write what I hope will be, a letter of reconciliation. It's only 6 pages long and I hope he doesn't just throw it to the side. I am going to believe he is going to read the entire thing. After all, he has a lot of time on his hands now. My niece told me he has cancer and not dealing well with it. I don't want the letter to come across as feeling pity for him or a desperate attempt to gain approval. I would just like some answers to some questions that have bugged me for the last 40+ years.
His sister told me that he would like to hear from me, so I told her that she can give him my number. It's time for him to do some reaching back. It's like this, if you fell off of a cliff and you see a hand reaching down from someone - you are going to reach up and grab even if you are unsure who it is, or what the relationship might be with that person. Well, I have been reaching far too long, accept the hand has been there all along.
So what do I hope to gain as a result of this letter? Get to know the basic things about me - my birth date, I was your first born and you should know it. I want him to learn and remember the names of my wife and children. I want him to answer some family health questions so that I know why there are days I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I want him to explain why he left while my mom was pregnant with my sister and didn't show up again until I was 17 graduating high school and the next time I saw him, I was getting married. I want to know what the heck he was thinking having a baby at 62 years old and then talking about marrying someone younger than I am. I want to know how he is dealing with the cancer. What are his days and night like. Where is the woman and my 3 year old little brother? What is the name of the kid.
I would hope that I am a typical kid who thinks they deserve to know their parent. I don't think I am asking for too much. Do I have any plans to have this magical moment where we run through the daisies and have this lasting embrace - not really. I don't want to have any preconceived ideas going into this. Just want him to hear me and let me know that he listened to everything I said. Deep deep down in my heart - I care about him. I wouldn't want him to die thinking that I don't care and that I don't want anything to do with him.
How can I say I love a God that I can't see, yet not love a man that I can see? I have contemplated that statement for years and tried to justify it by saying: because I have a relationship with you Lord, not with him. In return, God says: I rather you be hot or cold - not lukewarm.
Dads, PLEASE show your sons you love them. Tell your sons that you love. Most of all, give the thing they need the most - your time, your heart, your full attention. There is no way that I can be priest, prophet, provider, prince and protector of my own home when I can't give this man another chance.
God please don't let me have resentment in my heart. Don't know, but I am feeling some kind of way about this thing. Mixed feelings are a mess to deal with. Too much time on my hands. You know what, having my children and my god-children helps to put things into perspective. Writing this book on Godly god-parenting has opened a lot of thoughts in my mind. The guys I am friends with are wonderful fathers and I enjoy seeing them with their kids. I gain the most from them, and when they talk about the times they had with their dads, I get a little jealous - just being honest. But in the end, I am the man, father and husband that God wanted me to be.
Don't take this the wrong way world but, I will be a better father than mine never was!!!!
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