Thanks Tyler Perry

Last night I sat with my wife and watched Oprah as Tyler Perry shared about his life.  Thank God a man is willing to be vulnerable with the rest of the world.  He spoke about how he was sexually and physically abused by several men and a woman - all before he was a teenager.

Before I knew what happened, I was overcome with emotion.  It all came back to me.  I can still remember the day like it was yesterday.  June 12, 1979.  I was out delivering the local paper and I got to his apartment to get my payment of $1.20 - the paper was $0.20 a day with no Sunday paper.  Mr. Green (not his real name) had a habit of answering his door in his underwear.  As a kid, you don't think much of it.  But this day something was different about the way he came to the door.  I wasn't sure what it was, but he was different this day.  He told me to come in while he got the money.  I didn't think anything of it because I went into everyone's house to get paid.  Mr. Green came back out of his room and told me to lock the door because his lock was broken.  Being to trusting - I locked it and then his underwear went to the floor and he grabbed me, dragged me into his bedroom and he raped me.  He told me not to make a sound and not to tell anybody or he would hurt me and them.  I yelled into the bed when I felt him rip through me.  When he was done, he told me to get dressed and get out.  I left crying holding tight to my delivery bag.  I threw all of the remaining papers in the trash and sat behind the dumpster until I got myself together.  I could feel the dampness of my underwear from the blood so I ran home and jumped in the shower.  I couldn't stay in there in long enough to wash his disgusting scent off of my body.  The shower was painful and I kept bleeding.  I put the clothes in a bag, tied it up and threw it in the dumpster. I felt worthless, bruised and thought everyone knew my "little" secret.  The shame that goes with the hurt is debilitating.   I never delivered the paper again after that day.  Everyone wanted to know why - and I never gave a good enough reason.

That jerk would sit out on his front porch and taunt me for weeks, asking where his paper was.  He kept saying he was going to report me to the local paper - and he did.  They called my house and asked me to keep delivering the paper and I refused to.  There were 50+ homes that now had to go an buy the paper at a local store, and he thought he got the last laugh.

It hurt for days to go to the bathroom and to sit down.  My entire life changed after that day.  It was the end of the school year and I became disconnected from most of my friends. I didn't want to be bothered with anyone. Like Tyler Perry said last night - I didn't see the triggers.  Gym class became a place of torment for me.  I was so confused when we would change for gym and seeing the other boys in their underwear scared the life out of me.  I remember having to play dodge ball in gym and Mr. Mewing reaching for me as I hid the corner - he had to call home and get someone to talk me out.  My grades began to slip, my behavior was changing and I would never look at the male species the same again.  I carried that burden for almost 9 years before I told anyone.  It wasn't until I was in college and got a call from one of my hometown friends telling me that a former neighbor had died.  I went home just to make sure he was in fact dead - I felt such a relief.

Being one of 10 male college cheerleaders was a blast and a torture at the same time.  At one particular football game, we were changing out of our uniforms with the football team in the next room and I kept hearing locks and seeing naked players - I freaked out and ran out.  My friend John (also my roommate), came after me.  I thought I was done with this mess.  Before I knew it, I was trying to kill myself sitting on a table outside the student union.  I had to go home and tell someone.  I had to tell how I felt and come to understand that I didn't do anything to deserve it.  Just like I didn't do anything to deserve being locked in a closet, called dumb and stupid.  Being told that I was nothing and that I would never be good for anything.  I hated men in authority.  I had little to no respect for them and I put up a wall that would not be broken down.  I blamed my father - which ever man it is - for leaving me and not being there to protect me. After all, I was only 13 years old and puberty was doing a number on me.

Church had it's own set of abuses.  If you ever need healing from a controlling pastor who manipulated the members into getting what he wants - at your expense - read "War In The Pews."  That's a sermon for another day.  Some Pastors ' black and white - will destroy you if you aren't careful and watchful.

Thank you Tyler for being a strong enough man to stand up and talk about what you've been through.  Thanks for shedding light on what's really going on in the home and in the world.  As a people, African Americans are taught at a very young age,that "what goes on in our house, stays in our house and you better not tell anybody"

Where is my life now.  I am at a place of being healed.  I love what Tyler said in one of his plays, "forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you so you can move on with your life"  Nothing could be more true.  Once I forgave, I was able to completely healed.  Am I 100% with all of my relationships - no.  Because I forgive, doesn't mean I have to have a continued relationship with the person.  It means I forgive you.  Hurt me once - shame on you, hurt me twice - shame on me.  I will be cordial and kind, but the relationship will probably never be the same.  I forgive all of the abusive pastors, I forgive my mother, my uncles and the men who claim to be my father, I forgive all of the guys who called me names even though they were unaware of what my past was like.  Most of all, I forgive myself for allowing the thoughts, the memories and people have control over me.

Whenever I hear a kid say they have been hurt - and they give major details - I believe them the first time.  Especially when it's about a family member or a close friend of the family.  There, it's out there for the world to see.  The sense of relief that I have right now is only from God.  A weight has been lifted and I don't have to wonder if men are looking at me in a strange way.  I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!  I know who I am, and whose I am.  I am a child of God. I love my male friends, my real friends, and I have no problem telling them that I love them.  A real man is secure with his manhood.  I am safe in the arms of a God who will never leave me, nor forsake me.

So to all of my male friends reading this, I love you man.  Grab your son, hug him and tell him that you love him.